Why do ice cream cones make such bad athletes?
They always get licked.
My boss accused me of "acting the monkey" at work.
I almost choked on my banana.
What's a goblins favorite dinner?
Ghoulash.
Did you hear about the short-sighted frog?
He had to go to the Hopthalmologist.
What is it called when bigger burgers fall from the sky?
Meatier showers.
Judging by the sounds, there’s an ogre staying in the hotel room above me.
Hopefully he shreks out tomorrow.
Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?
For meatier showers.
What do you call a nice tree that does not have any teeth? Sweetgums.
Did you hear ISIS is spreading to Italy?
Nobody's concerned though, since it's just Italian ISIS and they're delicious. Especially cherry flavor.
Santa's Short Suit Shrunk
Drums - You can't beat 'em. Well, you have to, really.
What do you call a cow with no legs at all? Ground beef
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
I know an untidy guy who’s excellent at playing soccer.
What a Messi guy.
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
A student made our teacher so angry, they flipped their desk
Oh, the tables have turned
Should a gun company rename themselves "Question"?
That's a loaded Question
What happened to the pineapple who was turned down for a date? Crushed pineapple.
Why don't turkeys like math?
Because when they added three to five...
They got Ate.
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What do you get when you cross a turkey with a centipede?
Enough drumstics for a month.
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
She'll take whatever beans necessary to get her daily cup of coffee. Whatever. Beans. Necessary.
There was a weird Crab
Whenever he used to walk, his claws used to make a ta-ta-ta-ta sound.
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
Rory’s lawn rake rarely rakes really right.
What do you call a bus full of smart people?
A Scholarship
What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life.
Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon.
What did one mole say to the other?
We have great chemistry together.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
I've just invented a new Canadian beer
It's a form of I.P.Eh
The zombie's had some bad news.
He's looking very grave.
What is the study of real estate? Homology
How did the raindrop ask another raindrop on a date?
He asked her “Water you doing tonight?”
Honda is oldest car make in the world. It was mentioned in the bible!
"And the apostles were all in Accord"
What do you call a well-balanced horse?
Stable.
Which kind of jokes do gnomes like to tell?
Elf-deprecating puns.
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
Riding a camel really isn't as hard as they say it is.
Once you get over the first hump, the rest is easy.
Why did the banana go out with a prune?
Because he couldn't find a date.
Why was the nice guy such a lousy baseball player?
Because he never got to home base.
You can’t predict wind speeds with certainty. The best you can do is make a gust-imate.
Dublin’ the fun.
What type of dog does Dracula have?
A bloodhound.
Why was the viking boxer loved so much
He ragna"rocked" the house
Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.
Mary didn’t miss a first serve the entire match. It was not her fault she lost.
I eat eel while you peel eel
I started an insurance company for flower and gardening businesses...
It's called "oopsie daisies."
What did Medieval postmen wear?
Chain mail.