A man once said when is Monday coming? His wife said Mon-soon.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theatre?
A: They apparently went to see "Closed For The Winter"
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
What are pig criminals known for? Pigpockets.
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
Funny chemistry puns always get a good reaction.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
"Hey there, hop stuff."
What happened to the patient who refused to get a much-needed transplant?
He had a change of heart.
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
Why are there old dinosaur bones in the museum? Because they can't afford new ones!
Apples are red. Grapes are blue. Pineapples are sweet. And so are you.
Why did the bat break up with her girlfriend?
She thought she was a pain in the neck.
"Your kisses are to dye for."
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
A fight between tiger and lion broke out. Both of them wanted to become the next empe-roar of the jungle.
What type of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane Chocolate!
Why are some umpires fat?
Because they always clean the plate.
My friend: *Throws salt at me*
Me: Don’t assault me!
What kind of milk do people drink in Mexico? Soy milk.
People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.
We pass expectations, set the standards and kill the competition. This is definitely one of the best volleyball puns to use as your team’s motto.
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
What kind of hotdogs do ghouls like best?
Halloweiners!
Have you heard about the guy who stole a truck carrying supplies of disinfectant? Police say he made a clean getaway.
What sort of cakes do snowmen like?
The ones with thick icing!
Working the poker table at the casino with my new prosthetic hand is going to be a challenge,
But I’ll learn to deal with it.
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
Which Bible Character is a locksmith?
Zaccheus.
Where do vampires eat their lunch?
At the casketeria.
Recently in a meeting at the greengrocer I work at, I asked my manager how he was doing. "Just peachy", he replied.
I swear I saw one of those mythical creatures somewhere in the bush; but when I came back, it was uni-gone.
Why could the Italian Chef not unlock his car?
He had Gnocchi.
Nobody wants to sit next to the watermelon in the class because it has a strange smelon.
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
How do you call a man who can cook an egg on his head?
pan o man.
What type of onion can't hold in moisture?
A leek.
Treat yo'elf.
What is a werewolf’s favorite drink?
Moonshine.
Why did the jazz musician refuse to be quarantined?
Cause he was an outdoor cat.
What did one eyeball say to the other?
Between you and me, something smells.
What do you say to a pensive flower?
A peony for your thoughts?
Hold on for deer life.
"Santa’s pretty stelfy going down the chimney, don’t you think?" said one elf to another.
I went to the zoo the other day and saw an alligator that will only eat finely chopped food.
It was an alligrator.
While the blues musician performed his most famous song, balloons of every color were released in the arena. Guess we may get to call it the 'House of Hues'.
Q: What do tigers and computers have in common?
A: They both have mega bites.
Did you hear about the cheese shop that was destroyed by a tornado?
All that’s left is da brie.