The only fruit that makes me feel fuzzy and warm is a peach.
What do you call a bunch of kids who spent all afternoon in the snow?
Chill-dren!
How do crabs evade taxes?
They set up shell corporations.
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
A thesaurus' favorite thing to eat for breakfast is a synonym roll.
Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch by himself?
He was a loaner.
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
What has 4 wheels and flies?
Garbage truck
Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
Dublin over in laughter.
How does a penguin build a house?
Igloos it together.
What was the cheese’s strategy when it ran for president?
Make America grate again.
Why doesn't the moon shave?
Because it waxes.
It's a-boat time we took a vacation!
Whats the preferred car of frogs?
The Beetle.
What’s worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
A centipede with athlete’s foot.
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
What did the Spanish fireman call his two sons?
José and Hose-B.
If you are wondering about the most important constitutional right of a peach citizen, well, it's none other than freedom of peach.
What kind of car did the heart surgeon drive to work?
A beater.
My sister's trying to get famous. She'll never make it, she's just a wanna-pea.
I won an argument about weather forecasting accuracy. My fellow debater's logic was cloudy. After his defeat, he was fuming and he stormed out of the room.
What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate clauses.
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
They say everything gets better with age.
What did the flower say when he saw his date?
I think you’re dandy, and I’m not lion!
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
Why did the tricycle not hang out with the bicycles?
It felt like a third wheel
What did the werewolf say when he sat on sandpaper?
- Ruff!
All the turtles wore turtle necks to the party.
When the elves are clapping for their boss, we call it Santapplause.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
Which legend lived in a shack? Was it Eddy? No, Ma-hovel-ich!
I gave my wife a lamp for our anniversary.
Someone’s getting LED tonight.
Why is the moon a wanted criminal?
It’s constantly mooning people.
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
Why did the donut go to the dentist? It needed a filling!"
When do chickens go to bed?
Half past hen!
What did Betula pendula tell her little sister when she was annoyed? Leaf me alone, birch.
I was walking by a yard sale the other day.
I saw a radio for $1. The volume dial was broken but I knew I couldn’t turn that down.
Have you heard about the gorilla who got a name change?
Peaches the gorilla escaped from the zoo, but when they got him back they had to change it because it turns out he had become an Ape Re-caught.
Who called it a goat petting zoo...
and not Close Encounters of the Herd Kind?
Dialysis is a blood bath.
What is the opposite of Chocolate? Chocoearly.
What do you get when you cross a pickle with an alligator?
A crocodill.
When I was in basic training we couldn't have salt or pepper.
Those were reserved for the seasoned veterans.
Why do kids love to clean out the cookie jar for Halloween? To make room for Halloween candy.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only 2. They'll fit.
What do you call an ant dipped in chocolate? Decad-ant.
Why did the girl put lipstick on her forehead?
She needed to makeup her mind!