What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
When would an apple be not an apple? When it is a pineapple!
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
Is it bad to swallow a cherry whole? No don't worry, it's just one of the pitfalls of life.
A new car has been launched especially for American cowboys
The Audi Partner.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside? A mouse sandwich!
Did you hear about the farmer who sold his sheep to slaughter because he wasn't making enough money from the wool? The situation went from baa-d to wurst!
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth?
Hard cheese!
What does a bee use to brush it's hair ?
A Honeycomb.
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
A ship wanted to travel from the Pacific to the Arctic
But it just couldn't get its Bering Strait.
Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!
What do ghouls and goblins put on their nachos?
Ghost peppers.
What does a turtle do during winter? Sit by the fire and worm himself up.
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
When the gladiators fought lions
it was always the mane event
Why do worms taste like chewing gum?
Because they’re wrigleys!
What’s a Biblical happening for nuts?
“The nut-tivity.“
Why do banana's do so well on the dating scene? Because they have Appeal!
Is a mountain goat a hillbilly?
What did the elf tell its friends when they were traveling?
"Let’s take an elfie."
What does a short sighted detective wear?
Suspectacles
Why wasn't the hunter allowed to bring his antelope and buffalo with him on the plane?
You're only allowed one carrion.
Jack is a lovable man with a colorful personality. He is a great hue-man.
I went to the hospital for chest pains but the doctor kept inspecting my spine.
This place is back wards.
What kind of fish do you catch with Gummy Worms?
Swedish Fish.
A female sheep and a couple of aggressive birds are sitting on the veranda. What language do they speak?
Porchewegeese.
What did the Australian cowboy charge for kangaroo rides?
A Buckaroo
I installed a sky light in my apartment.
The people upstairs were not happy at all.
Volcanoes are rude! They are always int-erupt-ing.
An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.
The hotdog severely fell behind in school which is why he has to ketchup.
Why don't dinosaurs ever forget? Because no one ever tells them anything!
Have a gneiss day! This is one of the simplest rock puns, but it is certainly a gneiss way to start your day out right!
There are more planes under the oceans than there are submarines up in the skies. Let that sink in...
Changed my password to fortnight but apparently that's two week.
He has some good puns on crows, but he doesn’t have to keep crowing about it.
What makes your mouth sad?
A tongue depressor.
There was a minimum of cinnamon in the aluminium pan.
My local ice cream man was found dead in his garage covered in strawberry sauce and hundreds and thousands.
Police believe he topped himself.
What do you call a cab which provides drug therapy? Chemotaxis.
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a Martian?
An eggs-traterrestrial.
Why do some zombies only eat the rich?
They are in the mood for something gore-met.
What kind of music do sophisticated frogs listen to?
Hopera.
I don’t know who became more famous, Sir Francis Bacon or his son
Chris P. Bacon
I was up all night wondering where the sun had gone for so long but then it finally dawned on me.
What’s the difference between a horse and wet weather?
One reigns up and the other rains down.
Donating blood can be A-positive experience
But sometimes it can B-negative.
What cheese do you use to get a bear out of a tree?
Camembert.