What is the cherry fruit's favorite American talkshow? The Cherry Springer Show of course!
I usually sing with a deep voice. But when I wash my hands,
I sing faucetto.
What would’ve happen if the Apollo astronauts stayed on the lunar surface for too long?
They would’ve been lunatics.
How does a horse drink wine?
With a de-canter.
It is ridiculous having a basketball team that lacks a website. Do you mean none of them can string three W’s together?
Despite his puns being so orange-inal, nobody really likes them.
Why don't crabs donate to charity?
They're shellfish penny pinchers.
What do you call a cute donut?
A-dough-able.
What do fruits do when they are really really afraid? They run away as fast as their legs can cherry them.
An egg walks into a bar...
And makes a real mess.
What do you call the worlds smallest violin?
Hard to play.
How do you get down off a horse?
You don’t, you get down off a duck.
Why did Princess Leia lose all her friends and family?
She got involved with Alderaan people.
Why was the whale so sad?
The fish was said because he was a Blue whale!
What do you get if cross a science fiction film with a toad?
Star Warts.
My grandfather recently passed, and I discovered in his journal that he has an immense hatred for sloths, pandas, and koala bears. Looking back, it was obvious.
He was always going on about those darn tree-huggers.
The cheap baker only paid his employees a flourly rate. Cheapskate!
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
I recently got two German Shepherds. Because
I wanted some paw-dy guards.
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
What did the bone mage use to rob medieval homes?
A skeleton key
Why are volleyball players always so blameless? They always pass the blame and try to avoid faults.
What did the Japanese skeleton put in his sushi?
Bone-ito flakes.
Where do otters keep their money? In the river bank!
Why is it good to drink witch's brew?
It's very newt-tricious!
I like telling dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
I don't mind leg day at the gym.
It's just the two days after that I can't stand.
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
My friend wasn't accepted for a teaching job because he was cross-eyed
They thought he wouldn't be able to control his pupils.
Why is the corn army so dysfunctional?
Cause there are too many Kernels.
What do you call a baby lion on lettuce?
Cub Salad.
What do you call a crocodile that likes to bowl?
An alley-gator!
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars ? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
What do you call a large dog that meditates?
Aware wolf.
When the bread started crying because it was toast, the loaf told him, "You deserve butter."
"You focaccia bag, crumb back and get it."
My mom is really soup-rised at the outcome when she puts yeast in the broth.
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
What do you call a dollar bill frozen in ice?
Cold, hard cash!
What does the visual system use to play basketball?
Eyeballs.
Which basketball team is the favorite at the North Pole?
The New York Old Saint Knicks.
Why did the military use acid?
To neutralize the enemy base.
What’s the difference between Spring Break and Summer Break?
Jumping on the bed won’t make a Summer Break.
My kid asked why I named our WiFi "ship"?
But that's how everything syncs.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honey combs!
They say everything gets better with age.
What is a three toed sloth's favorite kind of chip?
Fritos.
What does a real cheese freak say when they come to your door?
“I’d like to talk to you about Cheesus.”
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart.