"Oh, sweet child of wine."
A woman who gave birth in a tree was sent to jail
She was charged with treeson
Why did the origami artist win her court case? She was great at doing the paperwork.
Why didn’t the chef slice his cheese?
He had grater plans.
What’s a vampire’s favorite Shakespeare play?
A Midsummer Bite’s Dream.
What do rodents say when they play bingo? 'Eyes down for a full mouse'!
Golf is what you play…
When you’re too out of shape to play softball.
What do you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine?
A slow poke.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
What goes up when rain starts to come down?
Umbrellas.
If Satan ever lost his hair...
There would be hell toupee.
When she spotted fake ramen in her soup, she said, “ This soup has impasta in it.”
What do witches in Australia ride?
Broomerangs.
Did you hear about the Heisman Trophy candidate who falsified his rushing stats?
The yards were stacked in his favor!
Why was the cat kicked out of the game? They thought she was a cheetah.
For goat’s sake, that’s enough.
How much did the pirate pay for his peg and hook?
An arm and a leg!
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
What is a cow's favorite deli meat? Bull-ogna!
What’s a mouse favourite family sitcom?
Full Mouse.
Rivers are so lazy they never get out of their beds.
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Taking a bite and finding half a worm.
A spider crawled under my keyboard a few minutes ago.
Good news: I’ve got it under Ctrl.
What do you call a large dog that meditates?
Aware wolf.
Knock Knock
Who’s there Justin Justin who? Justin time to make the donuts!
What did the snowman order at Wendy’s?
A Frosty.
What is a sleeping brain's favorite musical group (rock band)?
REM.
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
How can Irish people tell when it’s summer?
The rain gets warmer.
Your name must be Autumn because I am falling for you.
What do you call a hat for the brain?
A thinking cap.
What do you get when you cross Elon Musk and lobster bisque? A souped up car.
What do you call it when a football player suffers a career-ending injury in his last game before retirement? Gridirony!
What do you call a walnut in a narwal costume? A nar-walnut.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions?
I haven’t seen you in light years.
A kitchen sink that treats you right?
That's a Farrah Fawcett.
Where do wasps go on holiday?
Stingapore.
Which heavy metal band is Santa's favourite?
Sleigh-er.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
What happens when you shatter your funny bone?
You crack up.
What Christmas carol do candy bars sing? Almond Joy To The World.
Did you know that you only need two letters to spell Panda?
You just need P and A.
What do you call a cheese that is an alcoholic? Livarot
We caught the drummer of our band masturbating over his drum kit...
I guess the pervert thinks of them as s*x cymbals.
The local zoo just started a recycling collection program to support its mission: 'When you bring in one can, you can save Toucans.'
I was at the beach today when I saw a man in the sea yelling “Help, shark! Help!”
I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
Lemonade and iced tea make an Arnold Palmer. What do you get when you Mix Lemonade with a tea bag?
Benedict Arnold Palmer
I'm pine-ing for you.