What is the difference between a fish and a piano? You can't tuna fish.
Did you hear about the new Smashing Pumpkins cover band?
They call themselves Squished Squash!
I keep looking at our upstage platform that is designed with only a ladder for access. It's just so hard not to stair.
What did one slice of bread say to the other at their wedding?
Let’s grow mold together.
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
I have the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
Why did the farmer buy a brown cow?
He wanted chocolate milk.
Rainbows are very uncommon, they are blue and far between.
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
What should you do if you drop a root vegetable face down?
Turnip over.
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
What has 80 teeth and 2 eyes ?
A crocodile.
Why did the lettuce and the mushroom break up? The lettuce was pretty but the mushroom did not have much room for her in his life.
A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”
I'm fascinated by water's gas form.
It mist-ifies me.
Why did the Turkey want to join a band?
Because it had drumsticks!
What did the pig say on the warm summer’s day?
“I’m bacon.”
Where should you never take your dogs shopping?
The flea market.
What is a zombie's favorite kind of weather?
Brainstorms.
What kind of car did the heart surgeon drive to work?
A beater.
What did Sherlock Holmes say to Watson when he noticed sandstone deposits on the river bank? "It's sedimentary, my dear Watson."
Whats green and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
She was wheeled to the operating room, but then she underwent a change of heart.
When the giant cannibals started to soak me in vinegar, I'd had enough.
"Why don't you pickle someone your own size?" I shouted.
What do you think holds the moon up? Moonbeams.
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
What kind of spells do leprechauns use?
Lucky Charms!
Irish I had better jokes.
If cheese were downloadable, then I'd try to throw my hard drive as far as possible.
What I'm saying is, I'd chuck e-cheese.
What do you call a fly with no Wings?
A walk.
How did the horse know the others were gossiping about him?
He herd.
What do you say if you meet a toad?
Wart's new?
Turtles keep on winning battles because they are perfect at shelling their enemies.
Fresh French fried fly fritters
What do you call meat balls falling from the sky? A meat-ior shower.
If a monkey has thirty bananas in one hand and forty bananas in the other hand, what does he have?
Very big hands.
Are you a vegan?
'Cause I yam.
The color of the sky can help in predicting the weather. It gives a fair report of the hue-midity.
What do you call a wasp who is having a bad hair day?
A frizz-bee
Why do baby seals swim in salt water? Cause pepper water makes them sneeze.
What happens when and ice cube gets angry?
It boils with anger, then lets off some steam.
What do you call leftover lettuce?
The romaines.
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.
There are so much beautiful sceneries near the river valleys. They are totally gorges.
Why do cherry trees smell?
Because George Washington cut one.
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.
They currently have nothing to go on.
What is the fear of giants called?
Fee-fi-phobia
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.