How many cans can a cannibal nibble
if a cannibal can nibble cans?
As many cans as a cannibal can nibble
if a cannibal can nibble cans.
If a lamb and tiger were crossed, you would end up with a striped sweater.
Scientists have genetically modified a Venus Fly Trap to have the skin of a cactus
They say its bark is worse than its bite.
Whats The Most tiniest Virus Ever? "smallpox".
Where did the deer go to fix its tail?
The re-tail shop.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water?
He had a very esteemed colleague.
I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears, what am I?
Ugly.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
I was selling my bike and an interested buyer asked what’s lowest I’d go.
"About 3 mph," I said, "otherwise I’d tip over."
What do you call super expensive shoes?
Cashews.
How does one astronaut on the moon tell another astronaut that he is sorry?
He apollo-gises.
What do you call a girl who's very good at human chess and checkers?
Ingrid.
The peach was late for work because it had to make some pit stops on the way.
I know an untidy guy who’s excellent at playing soccer.
What a Messi guy.
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
When you cross a camel with a cow, you will end up with a lumpy milkshake.
Why are some cake jokes not as good as the others?
They tend to grow mold.
What are the best sandwiches to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy melts!
What’s a golf clubs favorite type of music?
Swing.
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal
Did you hear about the cows struck by lightning?
They were completely cattletonic!
Trying to get to the end of the rainbow is a gold move.
What kind of computer does a worm have? A Macintosh.
What’s the longest word in the dictionary? Smiles because there’s a mile between each s.
What is a knight who has traveled all across the earth with a ship known as? He is known as Sir Cumnavigator.
Where do gnomes first go when they log on to the internet?
The gnome page of course!
Why do onions have poor self-image?
Because people cry when they get onions naked.
I’m a hardcore believer in the “i before e except after c” rule
It’s science.
Why was Frankenstein’s monster always being arrested?
He was so easy to charge.
What does a squirrel wear on its feet?
Cashews
What do you call a big boat full of fish
A carp ark.
Why was the horse feeling a bit sick?
Its voice was a bit hoarse.
What does the winged horse do after it goes to the bathroom?
Pegaflushes.
Where's the safest place to be in the zombie apocalypse?
The living room.
Q: What do you call a windmill swallowed up by a tornado?
A: A wind meal
Wel'l Wel'l Wel'l - if it isn't autocorrect.
What do you call a cow that doesn’t produce any milk? A milk dud!
I can’t afford to pay for electricity anymore; these are some dark times.
Every single person on my flight was reading at the same time.
The plane was fully booked.
Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant.
I said "sure, no sweat."
You really gotta hand it to short people, because they can't reach it on their own.
I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind.
It really came out of the purple.
What kind of hotdogs do ghouls like best?
Halloweiners!
Where do prehistoric reptiles like to go on vacation? To the dino-shore.
Did you hear about the little people starting a beer making operation?
It's a micro brewery.
- Do old zombie actors ever die?
- Yes, they sometimes drop a part.
Just look, it’s the Trifle Tower
How should you bury an onion?
... in a shallot grave!
There was a recent study showing that crows were hit a lot more by trucks than cars...
they came to the conclusion that this was because crows can warn each other by going "CAAAR CAAAR" but can't say "TRUCK TRUCK".