What type of dog is best at timekeeping?
A watch dog.
I used to make extra money by selling illegal tennis equipment on the side, but I was approached by some thugs who told me to stop.
I guess they control the Tennis Racket around here.
What does a lemon pie and my wife have in common?
They both have meringue on them.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
What do you get when you cross Ice, chocolate, a big strawberry, a giant pineapple, and cold milk? The worlds best Sundae!
Why won’t the mushroom buy a couch? - He prefers toadstools.
One of the punny pig names for a pig that loves Shakespeare is Hamlet.
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
What did the banana do when it saw a gorilla? The banana split.
What two members of the cow family go everywhere with you?
Your calves.
What do you call an elf that joins the 11 other elves in Santa’s workshop?
The twelf!
Why was the orange the valedictorian of her class?
She was the zest in class.
What do you get if cross a baseball player and a monster?
A double header.
The book about Mount Everest had quite a cliff hanger.
We had a lively debate in physics.
It was a conversation of energy.
How do you spot a car made by Apple?
It does not have Windows.
Choreographers are always hard to get in touch with because they are always blocking you.
Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.
Then I lost my job as a driver.
Why cant a dwarf be depressed?
Because they are compressed.
What do prison tennis matches and strawberry jam have in common?
Cons-serve
Did you hear about the boat that crashed into the beach?
The captain fell asleep and the crew didn't realize until they were already in the no wake zone.
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
What do you say when you want a flower to drive faster?
Floret.
How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
Scientists transformed a tiger into a horse.
Don't worry, it's in a stable condition.
Why did the Koala cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up? It blossoms.
My wife asked if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start but I made it.
Why is the 7 key on the keyboard so afraid?
Because the & is near
The only fruit that makes me feel fuzzy and warm is a peach.
What do you call a bunch of kids who spent all afternoon in the snow?
Chill-dren!
How do crabs evade taxes?
They set up shell corporations.
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
A thesaurus' favorite thing to eat for breakfast is a synonym roll.
Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch by himself?
He was a loaner.
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
What has 4 wheels and flies?
Garbage truck
Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
Dublin over in laughter.
How does a penguin build a house?
Igloos it together.
What was the cheese’s strategy when it ran for president?
Make America grate again.
Why doesn't the moon shave?
Because it waxes.
It's a-boat time we took a vacation!
Whats the preferred car of frogs?
The Beetle.
What’s worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
A centipede with athlete’s foot.
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
What did the Spanish fireman call his two sons?
José and Hose-B.
If you are wondering about the most important constitutional right of a peach citizen, well, it's none other than freedom of peach.
What kind of car did the heart surgeon drive to work?
A beater.