What do you call an onion that is very valuable to jewelers? You call it a pearl onion.
Which ancient Greek Philosopher had a foot fetish?
Play-toe.
Or was it Sock-rates?
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
Its hard being a teenage mother
Especially when you're a teenage male.
Why don't skeletons have a mobile? They don't have any body to talk to.
Why did the kangaroo hesitate?
He didn’t want to jump to a conclusion.
Q: What is the opposite of a cold front?
A: A warm back
When you’re alone in Germany being approached by a group of old men
You have to fear the wurst.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
The guy who invented the watch must have had a lot of time on his hands
The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.
Why do owls make such bad baseball players?
Their hits are always fowl.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"
Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk,
It is one of the few animals that can make its own custard.
What do you call an imaginary pig? A pig-ment of your imagination.
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
What do you call a parrot that won’t eat?
A Polly-no-meal.
What do you call it when there are two nuns in a drum circle?
a conundrum
A goat came out of nowhere and headbutted me
It was a ram-done act of violence
I tried to play a bass guitar once.
It didn't make much sound, and it slipped out of my hands and swam away.
I had a few doubts about buying a big metal cabinet to store all my valuables.
Turns out... it was a safe purchase.
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?
Because they dropped out of the school.
Why did the bus driver take a long break? He needed a wheel-y good rest!
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
I recently got a new job as a golf caddy, but I was fired after less than an hour.
The guy asked me for a sand wedge. I don't think he likes pickle.
Why did they arrest the volleyball player? They suspected foul play.
What time should I book the court? Let’s shoot for around tennish.
What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay? A deviled egg!
No-bunny is as hare-larious as you.
“I found this humerus” is the perfect Halloween pun for boneheads.
What do you call a field full of epileptic lettuce ?
Seizure Salad
A crayon that looks like a strawberry is usually called a cranberry.
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up
What do you call a musical lime?
John Lemon.
What did the skiier say when his standup act was going downhill fast?
There snow possible way these puns could be more painful.
Why do astronauts use linux?
because you can't open windows in space.
What do you call a baby owl stuck in the rain?
A moist owlette.
What do you get when you cross a computer with an elephant? Lots of memory!
How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke?
It'll become apparent.
Q: What do you call a French guy being mauled by a tiger?
A: Claude.
Why should you avoid discussing coffee around sensitive people?
It can lead to a really heated, strong debate.
What did the salt say when the phosphate asked to bond with it?
"NaCl ater."
Dublin’ the fun.
How do you make an apple turnover? Push it down hill.
What did the Ocean say to the shore?
Nothing. It just waved.
Better read than dead.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum tssssss.
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
What time do ladies drink wine?
At Wine O'Clock.