Why won’t crocodiles attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy!
Do you find bone puns humerus?
What kind of chips do you eat in the bath?
Shower cream and onion.
Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
What did the flower do when she was challenged?
Rose to the occasion.
Did you hear about the farm dog who liked to strip ears of corn?
He was part husky!
My weekend is fully booked.
Long ago, a couple of dudes claimed that human flight was possible.
They were Wright.
I just learned how to speak parrot.
I just learned how to speak parrot.
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.The Peach President lost the presidential race because he got im-peached.
What did the fish say when it ran into the wall?
Dam.
I was going to shave my face but my razor was blunt.
It said, "You look ugly without a beard."
I left my laptop outside on the picnic table, and when I came back, the keyboard was covered in ants...
...It took a while to herd them together but I finally got them all under control.
A pony goes to see the doctor one day.
He says, "Doc, you've got to help me. I've had this terrible sore throat for weeks and I think there must be some badly wrong."
The doctor examines him and then reassures him saying, "It's okay, it's nothing serious; you're just a little horse."
What do you get when you cross a ghoul with an owl?
Something that scares people and doesn’t give a hoot!
What’s that feeling you get every month when the mortgage is due?
Homesick.
The worst part about being a giraffe…
Is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
Where do birch trees keep their jewelry? In the river bank.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
When Berry the dog dug up the woman's strawberry patch, she angrily exclaimed "That is the final straw, Berry."
What do pigs drive? Pigup trucks.
A slat spreading truck knocked me off my bike last year. I yelled “You idiot!” through gritted teeth.
What's a mummy's favorite song?
Walk Like An Egyptian.
You cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo and you end up with a turtle
neck jumper.
What do you call a bee trying to make up its mind?
A maybee
Six out of seven dwarfs aren’t Happy.
What did the fisherman say to the card magician? Take a cod, any cod.
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
Q: Why do peas dislike noisy eaters?
A: Because they want peas and quiet.
What do vampire bats call their friends?
Blood brothers.
My wife bought me an expensive umbrella and she’s been holding it over my head ever since.
I don't use shampoo when I wash my hair.
I'm a man - I use real poo.
Why doesn't McDonald's serve escargot? Because it's not fast food.
What do you call a turkey's evil twin?
A Gobblegänger.
Where can you find the biggest diamond in the world?
On a baseball field.
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
What do you call an alligator who’s your friend?
A pal-igator.
What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.
Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?
Because the early beard gets the wyrm.
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
“Oh, deer! Christmas is here!”
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
What do you call a wizard aboard a spacecraft?
A flying sorcerer.
My dad tried to put peas into an orange once. It didn't appeal to me.
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
What do you call a steak hurtling through space? A meat-ior!
What do fish use for money?
Sand dollars!
Eggs - the original boneless chicken.
My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche
She's been such a sour puss about it.