Why was the big white tiger angry with his other Siberian tiger friend? Because he bleached him while grooming.
When a big giant eel takes your hand for a meal...
...that’s a moray.
She has high elf-esteem.
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
What did the geologist say when his doctor said he needed a colon exam?
No fracking way!
Why didn't the medieval farmers harvest flowers to make tea?
It would have been an exercise in feudal-lily-tea.
Where does the sun hide at night? Just keep looking for it, it'll dawn on you soon!
Which birds are good at holding things together?
Velcrows.
What do you call an oriental cheese? Parm-asian
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
Have you ever tried pineapple milk? Do you know where it comes from? Obviously from the pine – nipples!
What happens when you’re alone and you get too cold.
You’re totally ice-olated.
My mother's sister can carry 50 times her own weight
She's my aunt
Stay away from Gmail if you don't want to get shivers down your spine
There's clearly a draft in there.
What kind of soup can you make with cool beans?
Chilly!
What do you call a big boat full of fish
A carp ark.
I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.
What problem did the young bat experience?
The hangout.
What do magician avocados say?
Avocadabra!
A book fell on my head. I can only blame my shelf.
Where do hippos go to university? Hippocampus.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
Why can't pencils move?
Because they are stationery.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
What is bigger than a Christmas tree?
A Christmas four
Have you ever heard of the Poder bird?
It is also known as the Toucan
One smart fellow, he felt smart.
Two smart fellows, they felt smart.
Three smart fellows, they felt smart.
Four smart fellows, they felt smart.
Five smart fellows, they felt smart.
Six smart fellows, they felt smart.
Who was the knight that was very secretive?
Sir Reptitious
I tried looking up ice cream puns on the Internet...
But then my browser froze.
How do you catch an electric eel?
You can catch an electric eel with a lightning rod!
What’s the best thing you can put in a halloween cookie? Your teeth.
What do you call a dwarf who sells prosthetic limbs?
A small arms dealer.
What do you call a buffet for sheep?
All you can bleat!
I heard some crows communicating after one of their own was injured.
They were caws for concern.
What language do they teach at Elf School?
North Polish!
Why can’t your ear be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
How did the gorilla know she was poorly? She had a belly ape.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
The scarecrow won an award because it had been excellent in its field.
How long does it take to brew Chinese tea? Oolong time.
Why was the girl staring at the carton of orange juice?
“It said concentrate.”
Why did the fish cross the road?
The chicken had the days off!
Are people jealous of the Irish?
Yeah, they’re green with envy.
But wait—there’s myrrh.
So I was cleaning my spice cabinet...
and now I have a lot of thyme on my hands!
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
How do trees get on a computer?
They just log in.
I saw a really cool kangaroo the other day
It had a hip hop