So I cut down a tree using my vision today
It’s true, I SAW it with my own eyes.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
What do cherries say to their best friends? You are cherrific!
I’m putting an official ban on rabbit puns. They are not bunny anymore.
She'll take whatever beans necessary to get her daily cup of coffee. Whatever. Beans. Necessary.
In this day and age of technological breakthroughs, we surely can’t be far from a country song where a guy’s self-driving truck leaves him too.
What kind of hotdogs do ghouls like best?
Halloweiners!
Vampires make awful businessmen. They just can't deal with the stakeholders.
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice-bergers!
What do you call for injured ants?
The ant-bulance.
I don't know don't about your faucet, but mine is doing a pour job.
What is the biggest type of bed ?
The sea bed.
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a kangaroo? A stripy jumper!
Why was the peach so sad at the funeral? It left a deep pit in its heart.
Why did the submarine driver lose his job
Old, racist tweets resurfaced
Which roman emperor was a mouse? Julius cheeser!
Good science always checks itself before it wrecks itself.
There's snow place like the mountains in winter.
You hear about the werewolf who majored in philosophy?
Now he's a whywolf
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
What did the cow who barged the other cow say?
Moo-ve!
Catherine and Peter performed great in 'Dancing with the Tsar'last night. But Ivan was terrible.
What do you call a Mexican bear with a rubber toe?
Robearto.
Golfer: I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.
Caddie: Try heaven. You’ve already moved most of the earth.
Did you hear about the emperor penguin?
He had a freezing reign!
Many years ago, my grandfather used to cut the grass- but, he's been gone for a lawn time.
What cheese do you use to get a bear out of a tree?
Camembert.
What does Santa Claus say when he flies through a rainbow? Hue hue hue, merry Christmas!
I'm trying to think of a weather pun, but my mind's kinda cloudy now.
I asked a vampire if I could borrow some money. He told me he needed to go to the blood bank.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
A truck carrying ladders crashed on the road. The cargo has spilled over, but police are taking steps to clear the area.
What happened when the onion tried to cross the bridge guarded by Gandalf? Gandalf shouted, "You shallot pass this bridge!"
If you're keen on stunning kites and cunning stunts,
buy a cunning stunning stunt kite.
What does a dragon eat with his soup? Firecrackers.
Michelle Obama’s favorite vegetable? Barack-oli.
The peach couple is in love. They seem to be born for peach other.
I love you dairy much.
They say that the cardio system is the work of artery, but it is really just vein.
I'm going to need to exorcise a lot after all this Halloween candy.
Why do ghosts like elevators? They raise their spirits.
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
I deleted all my German friends from my cell phone contact list.
Now I'm Hanns free.
What will a space turkey say to another one? Hubble Hubble.
The favourite day of the week for wolves is moonday.
How did Michael Jackson revolutionize cooking in space?
Moon Wok!
Where does a killer whale go for braces?
The orca-dontist.
I don't usually brag about my drum jokes but um...
tss
Building a good makeup design always starts with a good foundation.