What did the electrician use to moisturise his hair?
Air conditioner.
What did the conductor say when he became a zombie?
Traaaaaaaaiiiinsss!!!
During holidays, soccer referees send their families yellow cards.
Why was the old computer sad?
Because it had a floppy disk.
Who granted the fish a wish?
The fairy codmother.
Why did no one want to sit near Shrek?
He had terrible body ogre.
Why do comedians hate telling jokes at zombie night?
All they hear is groans.
A scarecrow's favorite fruit to eat is straw-berry.
What do you call a snake that builds things?
A boa constructor.
Just look, it’s the Trifle Tower
The artist shouldn't have taken that sculpture for granite, now it's stone-cold.
What did the Easter Bunny say to its partner? We make one egg-celllent couple.
How are baseball umpires and angry chickens alike?
Both make fowl calls.
What do you call an ant who likes to be alone?
Independ-ant.
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
Have you heard about the guys who stole a truck full of broccoli and cauliflower? They had to really floret to get away.
Do you comma here often?
What did the WiFi router say when it was unplugged?
"Tell my wifi love her
Why is the ocean always blue?
Because the shore never waves back.
What did the Indian kid say to his mother when she left India?
Mumbai
When you cross a camel with a cow, you will end up with a lumpy milkshake.
hat did the pizza slicer say when he wanted to rob the pizza?
“Hand over the dough or I’ll cut you!”
What do we call the basketball team that won the donuts championships? – dunkin donuts.
My vaccine dad joke failed.
But it was worth a shot.
I really like the Lion King
and every day the urge to sing one of the songs is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.
Q: What happened to the peach who went to meet the knife?
A: He came back in many peaches.
What do you call a frog hanging from the ceiling at Christmas?
Mistletoad.
I'm snow bored.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
What does a zombie say as he squishes your brains between his fingers?
Got your knows.
Many years ago, my grandfather used to cut the grass- but, he's been gone for a lawn time.
Why did the penguin cross the road twice?
To prove he wasn’t chicken.
What's a werewolf healed from Lycanthropy?
Over the moon.
My investment banker used all of my money to buy a leather jacket and a motorcycle, and when I asked for it back he told me to 'sit on it'.
I think he might be running a Fonzi scheme.
What's a redneck's favorite beer?
An open one.
I have no problem with listings with finished basements.
They’re my best cellars!
What do you call a ghost who haunts fireplaces? A toastie ghostie.
He is a humble husband. Unlike others, he never blows his crumpet after making breakfast for his wife everyday.
What did the bat do when she did not know the answer in class?
She winged it.
Heard Russia has the vaccine to Coronavirus. I'm probably not Putin that into my body.
The flock of crows that were sprayed with sewage was a true definition of murder most foul.
What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission Chips.
Which country do sheep go on vacation? The Baaa-hamas.
What's the best way to stuff a turkey? Serve him lots of pizza and ice cream!
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
Mr. Pea never did any work and yet always looked down on the other vegetables. He was a real peas of work.
Why didn't the butcher cross the road? He didn't want to brisket!
An electrocuted turtle feels shell-shocked.
You are aged to perfection.
What happens when you blend sulfur, tungsten and silver together? SWAG.