How many atoms are in guacamole?
Avocados number.
I’m in love with France, and I ain’t Lyon.
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
A young boy and his dad laid on the grass, looking at the sky. The boy asked, "Dad, will you teach me about the sky?"
The dad replied, "Son, it's way over your head."
What do you call a Spanish goat with no hind legs?
Gracias.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
What do ducks get after they eat?
A bill.
Why do vampires always dress so nice?
Because they’re so vein!
I heard the history teacher got into a fight with the math teacher
He did a real good number in him.
Why are nuns such great sprint runners?
'Cause they're used to being chaste.
What do you call it when a dinosaur gets in a car accident? Tyrannasaurus wreck!
What do they play at the beginning of a car movie?
The trailer.
Why will you not want to give a bath to the Saturn? It would then leave a ring around the tub.
Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant.
I said "sure, no sweat."
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
What is a polar bear’s favorite snack?
Brrrrrittos.
Angry cows are usually responsible for giving the farmer sour milk.
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
How do blind folks buy homes in hot markets?
Sight unseen.
Where can you find a golfer on a Saturday night?
Clubbing.
When the baseball team chose an owl masot, did they get a designated hooter?
Changed my password to fortnight but apparently that's two week.
I was at a funeral & asked the priest for the WiFi password
"Have some respect for the dead!" he said
I replied "Is that all lower case?"
What do oranges like to listen to?
Musical com-peel-ations.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road.”
How can you tell if there is a dinosaur in bed with you? By the `D' on his pajamas.
What is it called when a tree has back problems?
ScoliOAKsis
"It's wine o'clock."
Knock knock
Who's there?
Elf
Elf who?
Elf me wrap this present!
Dad: Years ago I had the opportunity to meet R.E.M., and we even took a picture together with my buddies.
Son: Where are you in the photo?
Dad: That's me in the corner.
I went to the Chinese buffet on crab leg night and ate my fill, but they kicked me out.
They said I was being too shellfish.
What is a giraffe’s favorite fruit?
Necktarines.
Why did Iron Man sleep outside when it rained?
To get some rust.
Why do physics professors prefer overweight students?
They have greater potential.
What kind of gang violence is common among owls?
A drive by hooting.
What’s a mouse favourite family sitcom?
Full Mouse.
If a goat grows a beard, is it a goatee?
How do you plan to shell-ebrate the New Year?
I hate getting tide down in one place. So let's take an ad-van-ture.
What did the period say to the sentence? We better stop now!
What do we learn from cows, buffaloes and elephants?
It’s impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass and salads and walking.
Water you doing?
Why does Valentine's Day never work in Africa?
All the lion cheetahs.
What do you call a serial killer on acid?
Jack the tripper.
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
How does Santa look after the grass on his three gardens? Ho, ho ho.
Everyone remembers the common hieroglyphics grammar rule...
Eye before flea, except after sea.
What’s a shark’s favorite movie?
The Shaw-shark Redemption.
Did you hear about the Wi-Fi wedding?
The ceremony was awful, but the reception was great!
I went to a theater performance done on a bunch of dictionaries the other day...
It was a play on words.