What kind of music would planets prefer to hear? NepTUNEs.
Too bad, if only I’d gnome!
Why should you never eat the fish in France?
Because it's poisson.
My wife was watching me do some DIY and she said I hammer like lightning.
I never strike in the same place twice.
I asked what the lion in my wardrobe was doing.
He said it was Narnia business
Did you hear about the generous and kind deer? She had a hart of gold!
What’s an apple’s favorite restaurant? Applebee’s.
Why do birds fly south in the fall?
Because it’s too far to walk.
What did one lightbulb say to the other lightbulb on Valentine’s Day?
I love you watts.
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
The guy planted a light bulb and though he’d get a power plant.
What did the deer say to his sulky friend?
“Buck up!”
What type of noodles do swimmers like best?
Pool noodles!
How many indie musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
It’s an obscure number, you probably haven’t heard it.
How can you tell if there's a dinosaur in the refrigerator ? The door won't close!
Wow, wouldn’t mind if you became my significant otter.
I hate going to the doctor because all he does is suck blood from my neck.
Do NOT go see Dr. Acula!
What do you call an ant running away with another ant?
Ant-elope.
Why couldn’t the fish watch YouTube?
He couldn’t stream the video.
Everyone makes fun of him for using old coffee, but he insists it has the greatest sedimental value.
You'd never get a rainbow in the red of night.
What does a mommy cherry say to her children? I love you cherry much.
What do you call a zombie door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer!
What do dogs and Santa have in common?
They are both seen Dachshund through the snow.
What is a car’s favourite job?
Caretaker.
What is the national fruit of Afghanistan?
Talibanana.
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
What do you call Bears without ears
B.
Seas the day.
What does a fish say when he makes a mistake?
It was just a fluke!
Where did Noah keep his bees? In his archive.
What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
Golfer: The doctor says I can’t play golf.
Caddie: Oh, he’s played with you, too, eh?
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
Why did the two Irish men fight amongst themselves?
They can’t find any other worthy opponents.
Why did the burglar steal a bath? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
A teacher asks one of their pupils, "Can you describe Napoleon"s origin?"
The pupil replies, "Course I can." (Corsican)
Why shouldn’t you grab a werewolf by its tail?
It might be the werewolf’s tail but it could be the end of you!
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
What do cats read in the morning? The mewspaper!
What’s the best time for Frankenstein to go to a party?
Fright now.
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. There is no time.”
Called in sick to work one day complaining about my eyes.
When they asked what's wrong I said:
“I just can’t see myself coming in to work today.”
My friend mashed up some cherries on halloween and said they were blood. I was cherry-fied!
I would like to take a moment and thank my eyeballs.
Thanks for looking out for me.
What did the banker want from the baker?
To pump her nickels.
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
How does a pirate communicate? With his aye phone.
What do you call a Chinese man with one leg? Tie won shu
Bobby Bippy bought a bat.
Bobby Bippy bought a ball.
With his bat Bob banged the ball
Banged it bump against the wall
But so boldly Bobby banged it
That he burst his rubber ball
"Boo!" cried Bobby
Bad luck ball
Bad luck Bobby, bad luck ball
Now to drown his many troubles
Bobby Bippy's blowing bubbles.
My friend, while driving through the mountains watching the leaves change: I love the winter. All the naked trees.
Me: Yeah, you can see all their knotty parts.