What does a Triceratops sit on? Its Tricera-bottom.
The judge sentenced the basketball player to life imprisonment because he shot the ball.
What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.
Turtles that commit crime are sent to the shell-block.
The mom to the naughty vampire said to him, “Watch your battitude, that is not how you talk to your elders.”
You are shrimply the best!
Sorry we missed puppy class.
My dog was wagging. There goes his oppawtunity for pawfect attendance…
What do dogs and Santa have in common?
They are both seen Dachshund through the snow.
Are monsters good at math?
Not unless you Count Dracula.
Why are flowers so good at problem-solving?
They know how to nip things in the bud.
What did the flower tell his son before a big game?
I’m rooting for you.
Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
Why is the air so clean and healthy on Halloween?
The witches sweep the sky.
Why is the ocean always on time?
She likes to stay current.
Why are goldfish orange?
The water makes them rusty.
Betty Botter bought some butter but, said she, the butter’s bitter.
If I put it in my batter, it will make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter will make my bitter batter better.
So she bought some better butter, better than the bitter butter,
put it in her bitter batter, made her bitter batter better.
So ‘t was better Betty Botter bought some better butter.
What kind of tea do babies drink? Tit Tea.
Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
What do you call a knight that jousts all the time
Sir Lance-alot
Local restaurant has kangaroo loin and it’s actually pretty good
It’s been awhile since I had it, but I remember it being a little jumpy and has a kick.
I can't stand people who don't wash their hands.
They make me sick.
What is the perfect name for a sad strawberry? It is called a blueberry.
Where does a bee use the bathroom?
BP
This is snow laughing matter!
How does a hairdresser stop themselves from cutting their own hair?
By sheer will.
Q. What did the computer say to the cookie?
A. "Can I have your chocolate chip?"
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
It’s pretty easy to choose your favorite type of bird
Flamingos have a leg up on all the rest.
Did you hear about the doctor who was practicing bee venom therapy without a license?
He was arrested in a sting operation.
Did you hear the story of the little ghoul that grew up?
It became a headhunter!
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
What do you call a baker with a cold?
Coughee cake.
Did you hear about the misbehaving unicorn? Sure, but I never though that these creatures could get so horny.
What did the pineapple say to the pineapple chunk? Stay golden.
Leave poetry to the prose.
Why does bread looks so bad in photographs?
It’s just too grainy.
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
What was Moses' favorite color?
Red, see?
Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
I lost one pea from my plate at dinner the other day. It was an escape-pea.
What is an electrician’s favorite flavor of ice cream? Shock-a-lot.”
What happened to the pig who liked pineapple? He turned into a porky-pine!
Don't get caught between a chalk and a hard place.
Why did Paco's girlfriend not want to kiss him?
She was afraid of the a-Paco-lips.
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch big band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up! Why did the blonde put a sweater on her hot dog? Because she wanted a chili dog.
What do you call dogs that look exactly the same?
Dogglegangers.
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."