A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
Whoever slit the sheets is a good sheet slitter.
When autumn arrives, the evergreen tree asked the deciduous tree, "Leafing so soon?'
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers.
The only difference between time and a ball hog is that the former passes.
I asked the bartender for the WiFi password but he told me to buy a drink first. So I ordered a Moscow Mule and asked him again. He handed me a card with the password. It said:
"Buy a drink first" ... no spaces, all lowercase."
Before I became a dad, I was terrified I wouldn't know how to be a good one. Oddly enough, it turns out, it's in my blood - I come from a long line of fathers.
Not many people liked the new tree I planted.
It wasn’t very poplar.
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
Who granted the fish a wish?
The fairy codmother.
Do you know what you call the outside of a watermelon?
“Rind of.”
Who did all this shopping? Me, my elf, and I!
How do rabbits travel?
On hareplanes!
What did one glow worm said to the other one?
You glow girl!
What do tigers sing at Christmas?
Jungle bells! Jungle bells!
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
What are the longest lasting relationships in the fruit world? Orange-d marriages.
Where do flowers recharge? At a power plant!
What kind of dog keeps everything they own?
A hoarder collie.
After letting elephant dung dry in the sun, it's nearly indestructible.
In fact, I'd say it's pretty heavy doody.
What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby’s crib?
A snowmobile!
I had four cans of alphabet soup.
Just had the largest vowel movement ever.
Why do you have to wait so long for a train on Halloween? They only run a skeleton service.
What does a mermaid say when she was leaving the party?
- Sea ya later.
John, you have so much po(tato)tential!
The coffee shop kept samples of burnt coffee as evidence to fire their roaster.
It was used as grounds for dismissal.
Q. What happens when a gorilla has a melt down?
A. He goes absolutely bananas!
My family wanted me to cut the grass, but I couldn't get myself mow-tivated.
Theater sound guys aren't always good speakers
Autumn brings re-leaf from the heat.
I gave my wife that new gorilla glue chapstick...🦍💄
It left her speechless
Being in love is a lot like central heating in your home.
You turn it on just before your guests come over and pretend that your house is always like this.
What do you call a group of crows eating a box of corn flakes?
A cereal murder.
Pre pear yourself for a bad pun.
Dad: Is that a pear?
*Dad points to pear on the kitchen counter.
Child: Yea...
Dad: Then why is there only one?
Wine if you must. It’s not good to bottle up your emotions.
What does a loaf of bread say when breaking up with his girlfriend?
You deserve butter.
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
What did Papa cabinet advise to his Son cabinet before his first date?
"Just be youshelf"
Does February like March?
No, but April May.
it was my pet dragon's birthday today
We lit the candles on his cake. He was really upset when he tried to blow them out.
What do you do with a wardrobe door that is slightly ajar?
You clothes it.
Why are fisherman so stingy?
Their jobs make them sel-fish!
What did the baby chicken say when he saw his mother sitting on an orange?
Dad, look what marma-laid!
What happened when the kitten turned one? She had a birthday paw-ty.
Everyone teased the snowman for having a pointy nose, but he didn’t carrot all.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, do you believe in love at first sight, or should I go around this chairlift again?
"Having a good hare day."