Why did the baseball team recruit a tiny ghost?
Because they needed a little team spirit.
What do dogs love to eat for breakfast?
woofles
When you come across a strawberry that uses foul language, it must be berry rude.
What's a frog's favorite flower?
A croakus.
What is the funniest fish in the sea?
A clownfish.
Why are plants the best chefs?
They’re succulent.
What do math and history have in common?
They both teach people about inequalities.
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
He planted a light bulb and thought he'd get a power plant.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
What type of weapon can you make with potassium, iron and nickel? A KniFe.
How do you confuse a fish?
Put the fish in a round fishbowl and tell it to go to the corner.
General: "Fire at will!"
Soldier: "Which one's Will?"
When the egg saw the pan, it was terri-fried.
How do you know the French Onion is Canadian?
Because the oignon est!
What did the gladiator say when he was surrounded by nearly 100 men?
IC
Why did the Green Giant lay down in the field?
So he could Rest in Peas.
I squeezed a lemon on my wife's lap two hours ago...
She's been a sourpuss about it ever since.
You’re sleigh-in’ it.
There are two people who both claim to live in the building where Shakespeare wrote Romeo & Juliet. They should put a plaque on both their houses.
On what radio station would you hear Bob Dill-on?
Vlasic rock.
What do you call a cold, angry pig? A ham-brr-grr.
Why did the nut go to the bank?
To cashew its check.
On a lazy laser raiser lies a laser ray eraser.
Have you heard about the pig who killed his own farmer? He did it to save his bacon.
What happens when a cow stops shaving?
It grows a Moostache.
Checking in for a flight, I was asked, "Window or Aisle?"
I said, "Window or you'll do what?
What do dehydrated alligators drink?
Gatorade.
Who are the biggest fans at the theatre? The backstage crew - They're always giving props to the actors.
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
Clean water is like password
Not everyone has access to it.
What’s black and white, has four legs and a trunk?
Two pandas on holiday.
The problem with collecting wine is that you always end up getting screwed.
I told my wife that I saw a sheep pondering its place in the world.
She asked me, “Can ewe even imagine?”
Strawberries love to travel. Their favorite mode of transport is the wind-jam-mer.
What do you call pig shampoo?
Hogwash.
I just found out what animal’s been getting into my avocado plants...
It was a guaca-mole.
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
My pet seal was getting a bit old and wrinkly
...so I bought a seal iron
I can row a boat.
Canoe?
What did the mama turkey say to her naughty son? If your papa could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
Why are parrots so good at imitations? They love parrot-y! (parody)
Why did the dog walk in to the saloon?
He was looking for the man who shot his paw
What happens if you cross a night crawler with a telephone? You get Ringworm!
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, I bet this chair lift weighs enough to break the ice.
What's the difference between an owl and an Irish funeral?
One's awake in the night and the other's a wake in the day.
What did the Catholic Nectarine Priest say to the church? Peach be with you. It was a normal thing to hear from the pul-pit.
What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
Polaroids!
When is Monday coming?
MonSoon!
Which noble man loves sitting at a round table?
Sir Cumference
My son elbowed me in the mouth during a tickle fight
But that's ok. It was acci-dental.