Why did the bunny bang his head on the piano? He was playing by ear!
What do you call it when a cardiology student flunks out?
Heart failure.
What did the Clydesdale use to deal cards at the casino?
A horse-shoe.
Why can’t a fish every play volleyball? They are afraid of the net.
Whats the difference between onions and girls?
I cry when I cut up onions.
What's more amazing than a talking bat? A spelling bee!
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
Why are pickles in sandwiches always so polite?
They're well-bread.
I love you so fairy much.
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
A student made our teacher so angry, they flipped their desk
Oh, the tables have turned
Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.
People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”
Their words, not mine.
I'd hate to be the bearer of bad blues.
I don't like clouds. They're always throwing shade.
Why did the woman go outdoors with her purse open?
Because she expected some change in the weather.
A cup of coffee is the ideal start to a brew-tiful morning!
I told my boss, "Sorry I'm late. I was having computer issues."
Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. It's my laptop.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
A truck carrying thesauruses crashed on a motorway near my house. All the onlookers were startled, shocked, amazed, speechless and dumbfounded.
My friend thought ketchup didn’t exist
So I told him to check his sauces.
What did the math teach rate the movie American Pie?
3.14
What did the ghost teacher say to her class? - Look at the board and I’ll go through it, again.
This autumn, the garden told the mower to leaf him alone in peace.
Why don’t oranges go around blind?
“Because they take Vitamin See!”
Tea pun-packed poem for my mum's birthday card
It’s been oolong time since my mum was born,
About Six-tea years to date,
Chai as you might, you can’t possible list,
her cupious amazing traits
Her balanced demeanour
Her Kindness and (earl) grace,
rooibost sense of humour,
too many to name in this teany space,
to pekoe out just a few does not do her justice,
let’s not stir things up and cause more of a ruckus,
While this ode may be (chamo)miles away from a Maya Angelou,
It’s just an obnoxious way to say how very matcha I love you.
Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it. It’s over your head.
There was a group of ants that always went on parties together, but one smelled way worse than the others.
He was de odor ant.
What do you get when you cross a vampire bat and a computer?
Love at first byte.
Why did the American student spend his year in European brothels?
To study a broad.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
Why don't quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage? Because they produce audible groans!
Why do worms hate graveyards?
They keep bumping into skeletons!
Passenger: One ticket to New York, please.
Bus Driver: By way of Buffalo?
Passenger: No, by bus!
What is a terrorist's preferred kind of wine?
White Infidel.
Q. Which deer prison is escape proof?
A. Elk-atraz.
How many cookies could a good cook cook If a good cook could cook cookies? A good cook could cook as much cookies as a good cook who could cook cookies.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs stuffed in your mailbox? Bill.
How do monkeys get down the stairs? They slide down the banana-ster!
How is cat food sold? Usually, purr can!
How does a flower propel a bicycle?
It petals!
Q. Which famous magician always wore a multi-color suit on stage?
A. Hue-dini.
Lately my wife has been looking at me as if I'm a piece of meat....
And it wouldn't bother me, if she wasn't a vegan.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
I had a nightmare about being attacked by a shark.
When I woke up I realized it was just a bream.
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
What happened when rockers couldn't get their favorite dessert? Rage against the Broken Ice Cream Machine.
What's the motto of vegetables? Don't worry, pea happy.