Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
How do you call a man who can cook an egg on his head?
pan o man.
American cherries generally do pretty well at high school. Many of them end up on the cherryleading squad.
What is a deer’s favorite meal of the day?
“Deer-ner.”
What do you call a skeleton's favorite singer?
Pelvis Presley.
Why are skeletons so good at chopping down trees?
They're LUMBARjacks!
Did you hear about the cat that ate a ball of yarn? She had a litter of mittens.
What do you call a guitar used to play pool?
A cue stick.
My wife bought me an expensive umbrella and she’s been holding it over my head ever since.
Where do ghosts play golf?
On a golf corpse.
Which fish go to heaven when they die?
Angelfish.
What's a pun's favorite love song?
"My Punny Valentine!"
The United Nations gave its members a basket of peaches on 21 September - the International Peach Day.
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
What do you call a guy who only rides children's bicycles?
A pedalphile
Being related to me is the best birthday gift you could receive.
Why was the burger sad after losing the race? Because the hotdog was the weiner.
What did the mathematician do at the baseball game?
Square root for the home team.
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
Where do crows type? Crows type on cawmputers.
What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree!
How did the horse break into the mainframe?
It was a hack.
I used to be the triangle player in a Jamaican band but I had to quit....
It was always just one ting after another.
What goes white black white black white black red?
A panda that falls from a cliff.
Here today, lepre-gone tomorrow.
What did the farmer yell out when ducks invaded his dairy farm? Cheese and crackers!
You can catch a lot of flies with honey
But you'll catch more honeys being fly.
What did the water plant worker say when their facility flooded?
Dam.
Just hangin' with my gnomies.
Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?
Ass skin for a friend.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
BREAKING NEWS: Vietnam accidentally sank its own submarine killing all 350 on board
Whoops, wrong sub.
What do you call a witch that lives in the desert?
A sand-witch.
"Lazy bones."
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
Why are ducks bad drivers?
Their windshields are qwacked.
What do you call royal pineapple? Your pine-ness.
What is the best way for fungi to grow? You must give it as mushroom as possible!
What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!
I came home to find many folders, calendars and filing cabinets were stolen.
Police believe it to be the work of organised crime.
What are the magic words for a brainy magician?
Hocus sulcus.
The most useless room in a ghost's home in the living room.
Everyone needs to eat bread because loaf is what makes the world go round. Loaf truly is.
Stealthy minotaurs are always camooflauged.
What’s black and white with red spots?
A panda with the measles.
What advice would you hear from a zombie?
- Never put your eggs into one casket.
What type of room do you eat? A mush room.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.
My friend was explaining at length how he was digging holes in his backyard for water.
He was boring.