DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
If an elf can’t do something right now, how do they handle it?
Shelf it for later.
Went on a diving trip with strangers and found a sunken vessel. We're all pitching in to salvage and rebuild it.
I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friend-ship.
What do moon people do after they get married?What do moon people do after they get married?
Go on their honeyearth.
What do you drive in a river? An otter-mobile.
Pick-up line: You might as well play be a tennis player, because I’m about to court you girl.
A potato gave a gift to his girlfriend.She said, “Aww, why are you so sweet? ”He said, “It’s just the
way I yam.”
What do you need to know to teach a dinosaur tricks? More than the dinosaur.
One day, a father was washing a car with his son...
The son asks, "why can't we just use a sponge?"
If two witches were watching two watches: which witch would watch which watch?
Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
Which Star Wars character was the orange cast for?
Emperor Pulpatine.
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
Which bat can hang the highest and longest?
The acro-bat.
Our flamingo colleague was leaving for a new job recently. We all told him to flamingo for it.
If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.
Did you hear about the cow that committed murder? It was in cow-ld blood! How dairy.
“I can’t breathe” One potato said to the other. “What happened? ” The other said. The potato replied “I
feel I dropped my nose somewhere”
Where do players hide their marijuana?
Between the stash marks.
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
There are more planes under the oceans than there are submarines up in the skies. Let that sink in...
What do you call a 2D fairy?
Pixie-lated.
If you want to wish a 'Merry Christmas' to a strawberry, just say, "Straw-berry Christmas!'"
Why are glow worms good to carry in your Halloween bag?
They can lighten your load!
What do trees drink at their parties? Root beer.
Wife told me to grow a pear.
I did. It tasted delicious.
The sheep says to the shepherd "you're an jerk and I hate you!" and the shepherd says "Say what?"
And the sheep goes "You herd me!"
What do you call it when leprechauns get together after being apart?
A wee-union!
What do cannibals eat for dessert?
Chocolate covered aunts.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano?
I really lava you!
What do they call Bigfoot in Europe?
Bigmeter.
I heard some crows communicating after one of their own was injured.
They were caws for concern.
If I ever get drafted into the Navy, and they make me choose what boat to get on.
I would just say frig it.
What do you call a white bear that's shaped like a tooth?
A Molar Bear.
A never-ending natural supply of beer?
Hops springs eternal.
What do you call the Frankenstein of the Gardening world?
An A-botan-ation.
How do you tell the difference between a rabbit and a gorilla?
A rabbit looks nothing like a gorilla
Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? No haunting license.
Which building do vampires always visit when in New York?
The Vampire State Building.
I broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.
Since then I've never looked back.
Dust is a disk's worst enemy.
What did the beaver say to the other beaver? I love you like no otter.
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
What does a lady in a mall do with a cheesey credit card? Go on a shopping brie.
My buddy was cast in Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs, but he was still angry because he wasn't Happy.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
“I only like lemons,”
Said Michael zestfully.
Where does Google keep their ships?
In the Google Docs.
My son claims that he identifies as an ancient Greek string instrument.
Frankly, I think he's a lyre.