Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
Shucking takes lots of corn-centration.
What is the difference between a panda and a polar bear?
About 1,000 miles.
Why was the conservative buffalo disappointed in his child?
He was a bison.
What’s a goat’s favorite TV show?
America’s Goat Talent.
Why aren’t skeletons good at poker?
You can see right through them.
I was at a thrift store and the guy ahead of me was purchasing an antique urn made in Greece
He asked the cashier if she knew how much a Greek urns.
How could you tell the horse was getting old?
It was wither-ing away.
What do you call a well-dressed ant?
Eleg-ant.
Everyone teased the snowman for having a pointy nose, but he didn’t carrot all.
What do you call a greedy ant?
An anteater.
I love you so fairy much.
What does a basketball player say when he misses?
Shoot!
Police are investigating a string of homicides which have occurred over the last two weeks. The victims have identified as Cap'n Crunch, Toucan Sam, Tony the Tiger, and the latest victim, Lucky the Leprechaun.
They are looking for a cereal killer.
I'm reading a romance book in Braille.
I don't think I'll finish. It's too touchy feely for me.
Did you hear about the Irish potato that immigrated?
He became a French fry.
After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her a bath. She wasn't content.
I'm so upset, I even used color pencils for this.
When a girl saw a sad alligator at the zoo she asked him; hey are you cai-man?
Baby seal walks into a club...
Years later he would sing A kiss from a rose in the same club.
People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.
Is a mountain goat a hillbilly?
Q: What is a peach’s favorite book?
A: War and Peach
Why would an oreo cookie need to visit a dentist? To get a filling replacement.
What do you call two cookies from the same cookie sheet who fall in love? A batch made in heaven.
I'm the life of the paddy.
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
When you accidentally step on a cheerio, you become a cereal killer.
What do you call a fruit that doesn't take s**t from anyone? The top banana.
What do ghosts drink on St Patricks Day?
BOOs.
What do you call a viking cemetary?
A grey fjord.
What did the little mountain say to the bigger mountain?
Hi, Cliff!
What do you get if you cross a tree and a baseball player? Babe Root.
Why don't dinosaurs ever forget? Because no one ever tells them anything!
What did the farmer say when someone complimented him on his corn harvest?
Aww, shucks!
Why do snowmen always get injured when playing sports?
Because they refuse to warm up!
What’s Irish and comes out in the spring?
Paddy O’Furniture.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
What did the orange say to the lemon?
"'yello!"
Why was the viking boxer loved so much
He ragna"rocked" the house
What did the reindeer dad tell his son?
Deer to be different!
I have so many Easter puns, it’s not even bunny.
How do you apologize to a koala? BEAR your heart and soul.
Why did Wonder Woman rescue the Wine?
Because that's what grape lady superheroes do!
What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.
What does a biologist wear when they're going out?
Designer genes.
Scissors sizzle, thistles sizzle.
Swimming pools are just chlorified bathtubs...
The guy missed both his serves on match point. I won by de-fault.
Why don’t these children eat their soup? Because all of them is stew-pid.
What do you call someone who lost her Marital arts tournament?
Divorced.
At what point will you love to change your bulbs the most?
When sparks fly.