It’s allergy season again?! You’ve got to be pollen my leg.
The colonized do not like British tea. They only want liber-tea.
Why couldn’t the dog say, “Ahhh”?
Because the cat got his tongue.
Why are flowers so good at problem-solving?
They know how to nip things in the bud.
What did the flower tell his son before a big game?
I’m rooting for you.
“I hate being half bike, half motorcycle,” he moped.
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
Did you hear about the lowest grade of steak? It's where the rubber meats the road.
Mr. and Mrs. Peanut finally got married and tied the nut.
The fruit teacher taught figures of peach in today's class.
I saw a Jazz band last night, but they really sucked...
They really saxophoned it in.
What do you call a fake bone?
A faux-knee.
How do you offer a camel tea?
"One hump or two?"
What's the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?
Black eyed peas can sing a tune, chickpeas can only hummus one.
What do you call it when a dinosaur gets in a car accident? Tyrannasaurus wreck!
I was riding my bike through the countryside when I was attacked by a herd of sheep!
Fortunately, I was only grazed.
The other day I asked an Alaskan guy if he wanted to eat some seal meat.
He wasn’t really inuit
To resolve the internal issues at the office, crows involved their cawnflict mediators.
Why was the scuba diver failing Biology? Because he was below "C" level.
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
Why don't quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage? Because they produce audible groans!
I like you a latke!
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
The superconductor left without resistance.
What do books wear on a wet and rainy day? Rain quotes.
Why didn't the mexican archer fire his bow?
Because he didn't habanero.
How do you know when a crab's drunk?
When it starts walking straight
What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.
My wife and I got married under a cell phone tower.
The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was perfect.
I used to think that all radios had antennae, then I realized it was a stereo type.
What does goblin's blood consist of?
Hemogoblin.
During the battle between the two onion kings, one of them was on the back foot as it was leek-ing blood.
When is a turkey scary?
When it's a goblin.
Skiing is believing!
What type of diet did the snowman go on?
The Meltdown Diet.
I got a asked to leave karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" seven times in a row. I had exceeded the allowed number of Loggins attempts.
Where are neurons put in jail when they commit a crime?
A nerve cell.
How does every Irish joke start?
By looking over your shoulder.
Did you know alligators can grow up to 18 feet?
But most of them only have four!
How rare is an excellent father?
Legen-daddy
What do you call a skeleton who rings the doorbell?
A dead ringer.
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
A walnut.
What kind of dinosaur works for the police? A trisara-cop.
Did you hear about the scary couple in prom this year? It was a mummy and his ghoul-friend.
Life without you would be un-bear-able.
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
Why does Mr. Potato Head have a mobile?
In case Mr. Onion rings.
What's a shark's favorite hobby?
Anything he can sink his teeth into.
How does a group of sea turtles make a decision?
They flipper a coin.
Why do skeletons drink so much milk?
It’s good for the bones!