What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can't "tuna" fish!
Why was the salad late to the dinner party?
He was waiting for his wife to get dressing.
It’s too bad the man couldn’t quit his job at the bakery. He really kneaded the dough.
What did the copy machine say when it spilled it’s skincare?
"Oh no, that was my toner"
This joke is like the time I slipped and fell into a salad.
Corny on the Cobb.
Why shouldn't you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
Through three cheese trees, three free fleas flew. While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew. Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze. Freezy trees made these trees’ cheese freeze. That’s what made these three free fleas sneeze.
I am fawn’d of you my deer.
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
What did the dinosaur ask his pet dog when he wanted afternoon tea with him?
Do you want some tea, Rex?
what does goblin's blood consist of?
A hemogoblin
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. I’m not really a mourning person.
What does a dragon eat with his soup? Firecrackers.
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
I lost my cat in a snowstorm!
But he should be fine because he's a cool cat.
What do you call leftover lettuce?
The romaines.
Did you know Rolf Harris was a talented violinist as a child?
Yeah, he was a mean kiddie fiddler.
What happens to great actors? They get nominated for an a-cat-emy award!
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man
... as they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
"Reti or not, here I come!"
Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about
the present, I didn’t get you one.
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
I yam what I yam.
What happened when an icicle landed on the skier's head?
It knocked him out cold!
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in a pool?
Bob.
What did the baseball player say when the flight attendant asked what seat he was in?
"Put me in coach."
The vampires were in a mood, so I thought I'd do something to cheer them up. They were over the moon that I re-vamped their castle.
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
When did the pianist finally turn their life around?
After they hit Rockbottomoff.
Did you hear about the red ship that collided with the blue ship?
All the sailors were marooned.
What do you get when you cross an owl with an oyster?
Pearls of wisdom.
What is it called when a skeleton lawyer works for free!
Pro Bone-O.
What do you call Chewbacca when you have chocolate stuck in your hair?
chocolate chip wookiee.
What is a baby sasquatch's favorite toy?
His Yeti Bear!
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice?
Nothing, he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
Why did the model bring her lipstick and eye shadow to school?
Because she had a make-up exam!
I hate it when planes don't have free WiFi.
It drives me bored air line crazy.
What did the Indian kid say to his mother when she left India?
Mumbai
I heard someone complain about the bus being too crowded, it was a 'bus-load' of people!
What do you call a group of orcas that play music?
An iPod.
Do you know why a pineapple can be a good observer? Because it has a lot of eyes around its body.
here do lobsters go to borrow money? The prawn broker.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
Living costs on the moon would probably be out of this world.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Elf
Elf who?
Elf me wrap this present!
If you have a parrot, it says a lot about you!
My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche
She's been such a sour puss about it.
Where do fish go to watch movies?
At the dive-in.
Everyone knows the Italians invented pizza but few know that it was perfected by French rebels in nazi occupied France during WWII.
It was the pizza de resistance.