Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”.
We’re a cover band.
Did you hear about the cheese shop that was destroyed by a tornado?
All that’s left is da brie.
What happens to romantic trees on Valentine’s Day? They get all sappy.
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
What's a pun's favorite movie?
It's a Punderful Life!
What do you call someone with Yellow hair on the beach?
A beach blond.
What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon.
It’s a beautiful Degas!
What kind of eels can travel on land?
Wheels.
What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.
Who is a potato’s favorite author? Edgar Allen Poe-tato.
I dressed up as a jousting lance for Halloween, but nobody got it.
I thought it was pretty straight forward.
What did the man say after spending hours skiing?
"I'm starving, can I avalanche?"
What did the motivational speaker say?
Don’t take life for granite.
Digging trenches during the middle ages was seen as a great honor because it showed someone's shovelry!
People who take good care of their hair with just shampoo and water...
Must love it unconditionally.
What do you do if a running back swallows the football?
You have to get him to cough it up!
I can't imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...
It probably puts a strain on the staff.
What kind of test do chemistry students like best?
Mole-tiple choice
I should change my name to Billy and get a job as a radio show presenter.
Then I can finally be a Billy-on-air.
If I buy you guacamole, will you sleep with me?
You must think I’m some kind of avocad-ho.
What do you call an overweight alien?
An extra cholesterol.
Where's the best place to get information about eggs?
The hen-cyclopedia.
How was the snow globe feeling after the storm?
A little shaken
Excuse me waiter, I have a question about the house salad.
Does it come with window dressing?
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
A gnome walks into a bar, and the bartender starts a tab for him. The gnome keeps pounding them away, one after the other. After a few hours, the gnome decides to call it a night. The bartender hands him his tab when the gnome realizes he left his wallet at home. He turns to the bartender and says, "Sorry, I'm a little short."
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with a kangaroo?
An animal that keeps its nuts in its pockets.
What do you call a skeleton's favorite singer?
Pelvis Presley.
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxi cabs.
What do you say to a flower after a breakup?
Get clover it.
Q. What do swine use to chat up a date?
A. Pig-Up Lines!
I was alone in the bath.
Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!
How can you tell if a crab is drunk?
It walks straight
I was caught smuggling a taco into the new star wars movie...
...they now call me Rogue Juan
What kind of dog sniffs out flowers?
A bud hound.
Q. What's a computer geek's favourite snack?
A. Microchips.
What would a potato say to a peach? – “You have a nice pit!”
What does a tornado wear under his clothes? Thunderwear!
What did the baby rabbit say before his favorite holiday? I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny to visit.
A Viking walked into a bar.
The bartender asked, Why the long ship?
The farmer cried wolf when all his three pigs were mauled by the jungle wolf.
Where do mathematicians like to party?
In bar graphs.
God made rainy days, so gardeners could get the housework done.
I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind.
It really came out of the purple.
Whats A tooth fairys favorite movie?
Jaws.
What a spud muffin.
Why can’t minerals ever lie? They’re always in their pure form.
My mother always laughed at me when I told her my dream was to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should of seen her face when I drove pasta.
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?