What types of stories do giant sequoias love to tell? Tall tales, of course.
What’s the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag
A tea bag stays longer in the cup.
Pirates used to make a delicious snack for themselves by crossing pate with flowers. They called it “lily livered”.
You just can’t trust real estate developers.
They’re always busy with plots and schemes.
Why couldn’t the dog fit in his clothes?
He was a little husky
What do crows take for their gut issues? crow-biotics.
Why do comedians hate telling jokes at zombie night?
All they hear is groans.
What do you call a freezing bear?
A brrrrrrr.
Q. Why can't computers play tennis?
A. They try to surf the net.
Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"
Busy buzzing bumble bees.
Ah! The element of surprise.
Condoms are like ear muffs.
They prevent a lot of noise.
What do you call a tariff on skin?
A tax-a-dermis!
Why do tigers always hunt and eat their prey raw? Because they don't know how to cook it.
What did the Egyptian Pharaoh do when he got caught in traffic?
ANKH ANKH!!
Why couldn’t anyone get a job at the ice rink?
There was a hiring freeze.
I went skiing with broken bones.
I can't afford real skis.
What do a crab, a lobster, and a Japanese guy run over in the middle of the road all have in common?
They're all Crushed-Asians!
What do you call dogs that look exactly the same?
Dogglegangers.
The butcher’s life was at steak when the meat market caught fire.
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.
The poor man dyed a loan.
The most notorious one of all pirates was very sad. It may have been because he was Bluebeard!
If you don’t properly seal the lids on your spice rack...
You’re going to have a bad Thyme.
Why does Avogadro like Cindy Crawford?
She's his favorite super-mole-dle (and she has a mole).
This foundation is rock salad.
What did the conductor say when he became a zombie?
Traaaaaaaaiiiinsss!!!
I highly encourage you to have more brain farts
It develops mental fartitude.
Why did the blonde skier cut a hole near the top of her boyfriend's ski parka?
She wanted to give him the cold shoulder.
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
I go through so much shampoo it's just ridiculous!
I don't know, maybe my head is bigger than most but it does say to use a cap full.
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
Q: What do you get when you walk around with cherries in your shoes?
A: Toe jam.
What's a pun's favorite movie?
It's a Punderful Life!
I can't stand people who don't wash their hands.
They make me sick.
Easter dinner was great today
We made sure it had all the crucifixins'.
What has 34 legs, 9 heads and 2 arms? Santa Claus and his reindeer.
Where do criminal unicorns sentenced to death go? They go on corn row.
What do you call an evil cow?
De-mooooon.
What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus!
Have you ever wondered which part of the flamingo has the most feathers? I found out once – turns out it’s the outside.
What happened when the bear applied at the movie theater?
He was told he was not koala-fied.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
"I would hop to the end of the world for you."
What does a surprised pumpkin say?
OH MY GOURD!
Why did the poor werewolf chase his own tail?
He was trying to make ends meet.
What is a crows favorite vegetable?
Corn on the caawb.
What kind of birds do skeletons like?
Sea skulls.
A cross-eyed teacher can't control his pupils.