I wanted to buy a $30 meal for my father, my grandfather and father-in-law. I figured they'd lump em all together and charge a reduced fee.
But no, I was charged $30 a pop.
What does Frosty the Snowman do to combat his worries about melting?
Take a chill pill!
In Ancient Greece, people who had beliefs contrary to the worship of Poseidon were executed for Heresea.
There’s no reason to wine about you.
How do you make a telephone in the jungle?
With toucans and a piece of string.
What did one beaver say to the other at the river? Dam it.
Where do geologists like to relax? In a rocking chair Why are geologists good at stand up comedy? They know really dirty jokes.
If you want to ask someone to borrow their peas, you have to say pea-lease.
Great news! I'm a movie director now! I gave stellar directions to a very lovely family on their way to the theatre.
If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
Why did the cheese lover hide cheese in the back of his fridge?
In queso emergency.
What do you give a sick snake?
Asp-rin.
My friend said, "I bought a parrot for my son that has red and blue feathers."
I said, "Your son must look very strange."
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, do you believe in love at first sight, or should I go around this chairlift again?
Q. What do swine use to chat up a date?
A. Pig-Up Lines!
Easter and April Fools fall on the same day this year...
You could say it only happens once in a blue moon.
What's the best way to talk to a Tyrannosaur ? Long distance!
Why are alligators long and green?
Because if they were small and red, they would be tomatoes.
My theater group is writing a sci-fi thriller about classical musicians.
I'll be Bach.
But would they be stoned by the goalie?
No, they'd smoke it right between the pipes!
Where do they make all the decisions on a dairy farm? At the city cow-ncil.
I was caught smuggling a taco into the new star wars movie...
...they now call me Rogue Juan
Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.
Who did the goats vote for as president?
Billy Clinton.
We were mermaid for each other.
I saw an egg behaving oddly today.
It was probably just a bit egg-centric.
It’s a beautiful Degas!
This whole birthday thing is getting old, don’t you think?
I had a job circumcising elephants.
The base salary wasn't great, but the tips were huge.
What did the Viking chieftain say when asked about his motivation?
"I'm in it for the longhall."
What do you call Spider-Man at his full potential
Petest Parkest.
I sang the rainbow song to a cop yesterday.
They arrested me for colorful language.
What do you do when a pickle wants to play cards?
Dill'em in.
Believe in your elf.
I’m trying to teach my son how to put the chain back on his bike but he still can’t seem to do it.
I guess it must be sprocket science.
In order to get an accurate count of the herd, the farmer uses a cow-culator.
My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.
I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts
You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.
You have died from dissin' Terry.
It’s time to think outside the pizza box.
What do you call a dinosaur who is elected to Congress? Rep. Tile!
I'm a fairy.
My name's Nuff. Fair enough.
Nowadays oranges have decided to go out with prune. The reason is that it is becoming so hard to find a date.
What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.
Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah - he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.
What do you call a dollar bill frozen in ice?
Cold, hard cash!
I hopped on the bus yesterday afternoon. After a few minutes, the driver asked me to sit down like everyone else
Where do you take a sick pony?
To the horse-pital.
Long time no sea.
How do beavers make a bouncy dam? Well, they use spring water.