What kind of fish do Penguins catch at night?
Starfish.
What kind of car did the heart surgeon drive to work?
A beater.
What do you call two peas in a pod?
Peepee
The perfect name for a sad and morose strawberry is a blueberry.
What’s that green head of something that is the main part of a salad?
Lettuce think about it.
What do bees call wasps?
Wanna-bees.
Why did the ocean leave the party early?
She was getting really tide.
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
Tne thing you won't catch a vampire ordering in a restaurant is a stake sandwich.
She said, "Don't go bacon my heart."
I told her, "I couldn't if I fried."
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
What did the seal with a broken arm say to the shark?
"Do not consume if seal is broken."
Witches are always wand-ering around…
What did the llama say when the other llama asked if they wanted to go on holiday?
Alpaca suitcase.
Did you hear what happened when the decorator painted his wife with cheese? He double Gloucester!
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
What is an elf’s favorite kind of birthday cake?
Shortcake!
I just want to say, “I love brew.”
Some people prefer milk after it has churned. I guess they find it butter that way.
Military submarines are a deep navy blue in color.
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up! Why did the blonde put a sweater on her hot dog? Because she wanted a chili dog.
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
I was going to replace the seats at my bar
But... I just can't look at another stool sample
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
"Be kind, re-wine."
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
Where do werewolf go if their tails fall off?
A re-tail store.
My keyboard fell apart today.
I feel like I'm losing Ctrl of everything.
I went into a pet shop and said: "I would like a pet parrot for my daughter."
Confused, the owner replied: "Sorry, we don't do swaps."
Historians have discovered a new Greek God who didn’t excel at anything.
His name was mediocretese.
I tried to come up with a funny theatre joke, but it was all just an act.
What do chic evergreens wear for cruelty-free fashion? Faux fir.
Q: Where do fruits like to go on vacations?
A: To the peach.
As it snow happens.
I think I met a medieval water snake
But I can't tell if it actually happened or if it was a dream.
It was totally Sir Eel.
Do people have strange scents of humor if they laugh at their own farts?
Why aren’t trees competitive sports fans? They like to root for everyone.
A butt lit a house on fire.
So I guess he committed Arse-on
What kind of underwear do monkeys wear?
Chimpantsies.
A cow usually prefers to eat moo-sli for breakfast.
When we were young, we had this myth that lightning bolts go all the way to cloud 9.
Why don't aliens get hungry after being blasted into space?
Because they've just had a big launch.
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
Why do zombies speak Latin?
It’s a dead language.
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
The next door beaver couple got arrested for illegal streaming.
"Hey dad, my electric toothbrush is broken!"
"No son, it's just gone acoustic."