Sea you at the beach.
What’s green and hangs from trees?
Giraffe snot.
Why are seabirds so lucky in love?
Because one good tern always deserves another.
Seven sleazy shysters in sharkskin suits sold sheared sealskins to seasick sailors.
Why did the man driving a train get struck by lightning?
He was a good conductor.
What do you call a werewolf with a fever?
A hot dog.
Are people jealous of the Irish?
Yeah, they’re green with envy.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
Milk trucks always drive so fast, don’t they? You blink and they’re already pasteurize.
What does Avogadro put in his hot chocolate?
Marsh-mole-ows
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
Why did the farmer decide not to buy an extra phone? It was because he already had one for onion rings.
Why are Scandinavians the fastest runners in the world?
Because they start out near the Finnish line.
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
Which films is the car’s favourite?
WiperBlade 1, 2 and Trinity.
You have me greening from ear to ear.
What do you do with dead geologists?
You barium.
Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens. They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.
I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
It's lunchtime and the newcomer at my workplace is on a plane to India
Turns out, someone told him that the nearby Delhi has the best sandwiches
What kind of tea do wealthy people own?
Proper-Tea.
A burglar broke into my house and took all my condiments, now I'm Spiceless in Seattle.
What type of cat will keep your garden looking nice and tidy? A lawn meower.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
I was surprised when I saw a man get struck by lightning.
The man was shocked as well.
What’s black and white and goes up and down?
A panda who’s stuck in a lift.
What do you call an illegally parked frog?
Toad.
Why wasn’t the pig chosen in the football/soccer team?
It was a ball hogger.
What is the similarity between my wallet and an onion? Whenever I open both of them, I cry.
I was going to become a biologist. But all the endless coursework on hearts and lungs and kidneys and so on just made it seem like one long organ recital.
What do you call a pig that knows martial arts?
Pork Chop
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
What is it called when a skeleton lawyer works for free!
Pro Bone-O.
Just received Areal Flood Advisory notification on my phone
I should hope it's a real one, the fake ones are just annoying.
What's better than having roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ....
Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed an opportunity to call it "Substi-tooths"
I once pranked my mom and told her that I had lyme disease
I still had a few ticks up my sleeve
When NASA will put 20 heads of cattle into the outer space, it will be the 1st herd shot around the entire world.
What do you get when you cross an avocado with a two way radio?
A Guackie-talkie
What do yuppie sharks like to drink?
Jaw-va.
Some pink birds can be really rude. I approached a group of them the other day and they screamed “Flamingo away!”
What happened after the conifer fell in love at the orchard? A pineapple tree.
What is the greeting that Korean onions tell each other when they meet in the streets? They say 'Onion-Haseyo'.
When I asked my History teacher if he knew about Einstein's origin and history, he said, "I am relatively aware of it."
Some guy with cancer insulted my hair today.
Bald words for someone without it.
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado?
“Well, this is guacward.”
The last buyer I worked with wasn’t that bright.
When I handed him an exclusive buyer agreement that said “sign here” at the bottom, instead of signing his name, he just wrote “Capricorn.”
Why did the butchers meating end soon? Because one of them started beef.
How does a bear get from one place to another?
On a bear-o-plane.
Why aren't high school twins afraid of getting mono?
Because they get stereo instead!