I have written a book on Penguins.
In hindsight, paper would have been better.
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because all of the cows have horns
Oh, I thought I was playing the first round, but I guess I got a free pass. Bye.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
Do you know the band 1023 megabytes?
They haven't had a gig yet.
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I can ever repay you.
A beaver goes into a bar and sees a man standing behind the bar and asks him...
"Excuse me sir. Is the bar tender here?"
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.
What is a monkey’s favourite cookie?
Chocolate Chimp!
Why cant a mosquito stand on his feet?
because they dont have mosquiTOES.
Last night I dreamt I was swimming in a sea of oranges. I guess it was just a Fanta-sea!
I just saw a huge killer fish singing and playing guitar in the city center.
I think it must be a busking shark.
Have you found the center of gravity yet? It’s the letter v.
Did you hear about the Owl that could play American football?
It was a superb_owl.
Did you hear about the chicken who could only lay eggs in the winter?
She was no spring chicken.
Why couldn't the housefly board the plane?
It was on the no fly list
What do cannibals eat for dessert?
Chocolate covered aunts.
I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...
...but he really knew how to make an entrance.
What do you say to a twenty ton dinosaur with headphones on? Anything you want. He can't hear you.
A Ghost walks into a bar. No ones notices.
We all have that one vegan friend.... I said to mine,"Do you have to mention vegetables every time you open your mouth?"
She said, "Not neccecelery."
What did one hillbilly say to another? I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife. Best trade I ever made.
We had a lively debate in physics.
It was a conversation of energy.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
At a meeting, Mr. Tomato asked Mr. Peach, "Can you give me the peach cobbler's number, I need to mend my shoes".
What is the chemical formula for the molecules in candy? Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
What did the zombie bank robber say to the cops?
- You'll never take me alive.
I heard they’re remaking one of the Lord of the Rings movies, but everyone rides around on bicycles instead of horses.
They’re calling it The Two Tires
An idea is one of the worst killers of vampires. They don't see it coming, and then it dawns on them.
What did the thief steal on the theatre's opening night? The spotlight.
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
What kind of sandwich does Kissy the Elf like for lunch?
A wrap!
What is bigger than a Christmas tree?
A Christmas four
Seth at Sainsbury's sells thick socks.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
How do you measure a mosquito’s harddrive?
With bug bytes.
What newspaper do cows read?
The Daily Moos.
When you cross a train engine with a strawberry tart, you make a puff pastry.
A dog in a pumpkin patch is called...
a pumpkin pooch.
Why did Frosty the snowman want a divorce?
Because he thought his wife was a flake.
How can you tell the difference between an English and French crow?
"PourCUAWWW! PourCUAWWW!"
I have a good nature joke but after listening to it, everyone just leaves.
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
“How was your day? ” “It was a total disas-tater”
Yesterday’s weather forecast predicted freezing rain. However, it turned out to be quite an ice day.
Never argue with Pi, it's irrational.
What do you call a 100 year old ant?
An ant-ique.
"Hey dad, my electric toothbrush is broken!"
"No son, it's just gone acoustic."