What happened when the bat swallowed the alarm-clock?
She turned into a ding-bat.
I earned money by selling broth. Now I am a bouillonaire.
We failed to find the dog's bone because the owner berried it.
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”.
What do you call vampires bats that cheer at football games?
Bat-on-twirlers.
How did the turkey win the talent show? With his drum-sticks.
You shamrock my world.
A mummified macaroni pizza was uncovered in Italy today.
The man who uncovered it says "It's a pizza of our pasta."
My family wanted me to cut the grass, but I couldn't get myself mow-tivated.
Why did the strangers walk out onto the frozen pond?
What do kittens wear? Dia-purrs!
Someone told me that it takes 5 sheep to make a sweater.
I didn't know they could knit!
What do you call the onions which are small and yellow and very naughty? You call it a minonion!
What kind of wine do they serve at the horse races?
Chardon-neigh!
Archeologists discovered an ancient Egyptian tomb that was dedicated solely to women.
At least that's what they concluded as it was full of Mummys.
Which candy do astronauts like? Marsbar.
What kind of bird always gets stuck in the nest? A velcrow.
Why did the jazz musician refuse to be quarantined?
Cause he was an outdoor cat.
Where is the ghost going on holiday the next year? Lake Eerie.
Time fries when you’re having fun!
What do you call a waffle laying on a beach?
Sandy eggo.
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
Why couldn’t the cat read a book? He was il-litter-ate!
Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece
Why does Mr. Potato Head have a mobile?
In case Mr. Onion rings.
What country do marathoners retire to?
Iran.
What's a camel's favorite part of a meal?
Desert!
I went to the shooting range for the first time, but I couldn’t get my gun to fire
I had to read the trouble shooting section in the manual
I went fishing in the ocean the other day and caught one fish
but I think it was just a fluke.
What did one cheese tell the other cheese on Valentine’s day?
Brie mine.
What is good at maths and related to a crocodile?
A calcu-gator
A beaver's experience in college deep-ends on if they go to the best university.
Where do penguins go swimming?
At the South Pool!
Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?
He was Bjorn again.
Did you hear about the kangaroo with glasses?
He had to go to the hopthalmologist.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
What is a monkey’s favourite cookie?
Chocolate Chimp!
What do you call one green onion that doesn't listen to anyone and is very naughty? It is called a rapscallion!
What does the iron-deficient giant say?
- Fi fo fum.
Why should the Sun get into a school? To get brighter.
So I was in the library when this cute girl came up and asked to borrow my external hard drive
It was at this point I realized she wanted the (D:)
What hairstyle did Moses get at the hairdressers?
A middle parting.
What do you call an irate kangaroo?
A k-angry-oo.
Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than a pile of poop?
It’s just plain common scents.
Why did the spider get on the computer?
To check his website.
What do you call a group of lions partying on ships in Gibraltar?
A strait pride parade.
Are you a beaver? ‘Cause dam.
Behind every great parent is a great kid. Happy birthday!
What kind of party is held in a cornfield?
A cornball!
Did you hear about the wisdom tooth who got smart with the dentist?
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