What do you call a flying elephant?
A jumbo jet.
Did you hear about the football team that drafted a vending machine?
They really needed a quarter back!
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus
Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
Daughter: I think I'm going to put my hair in a bun tomorrow.
Dad: We're all out. You'll have to use bread.
You have to act quickly during a flood because it's an emergent sea.
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
When you write copy you have the right to copyright the copy you write.
Happy Hour is at wine o’ clock
What does Father Christmas do for his summer holidays? Santa Cruz.
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.
Why is it a bad idea to give a cow marijuana?
The steaks are too high.
What do you get when you spice up date night? Netflix and Chilis.
Some people say Greece should stop using the euro as currency...
I think they're being over-drachmatic.
What happens when you blend an artificial waterway with a tree? You get a root canal.
Why did the artist cross the street? To crosshatch to the other side.
Why didn’t the skeleton scare the trick-or-treaters on Halloween?
He didn’t have the heart.
There’s a big thunderstorm. The road is blocked by a big mudslide. A little boy asks his dad, “Why does earth fall down like that?”
His dad answers, “It’s terrain.”
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
We like to paddy.
I tried to make my own condiments but, the recipes change so fast, it's hard to ketchup.
When I wrote the history of cheese for our term paper in school, our History teacher said it was grate.
What do you tell your friend after she breaks up with a cheese lover?
You’re cheddar off without him!
Why was the scuba diver failing Biology? Because he was below "C" level.
What's the difference between Amazon Prime and the Amazon River? The Amazon River actually has sails.
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
I went to an art gallery and noticed that all the info was also available in braille.
Nice touch.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? Boy! I'm stuffed!
What do crows drink in order to stay awake? They drink cawfee.
What job on a construction site is best suited to a skeleton?
Cranium operator.
I recently got offered a job studying fog but I turned it down.
Looking back, I now think it was a mist opportunity.
A person without arms and a knife in their mouth is still technically armed,
but only to the teeth.
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch big band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
I bought my rabbit a fancy new hutch. But he doesn’t seem to carrot all.
What does a cheese like to drink after a long day?
Morbier.
Why did everyone hide from Sue on her birthday?
Because they wanted her to be Sue-prised!
Did you know that back in medieval times, soldiers would sleep with lanterns next to them so they could see if something happened.
They were called "Knight Lights"
Where's a pickle's favorite place to go in London?
Pickle-dilly Square.
What did one crow say to the other after the party?
We were raven.
Get in the swim this summer.
What would Jerry McGuire have said if he was a flower?
You had me at hydrangea.
There was once a jolly happy mountain that offered fantastic advice to a grumpy hill. "Change your altitude", he said!
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
What is a cat’s favorite magazine? Good Mousekeeping.
What did Prince leave on the neck of his guitar?
Finger prince.
What did one brain say to another?
I lobe you.
If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?