What type of dog would be the best at portraying Tina Turner?
An Angela Bassett Hound.
Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s Day!
What did the boy bacon say to the girl bacon? Girl, you're bacon my heart melt.
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
What is the same shape and size as a sequoia tree, but weighs nothing at all? The tree’s shadow.
What's yellow and writes? A ball-point banana.
How does the serial killer like his coffee?
How he likes his women—all ground up.
Why does it take a while before a peach leaves a fruit basket? They have to give a goodbye peach first.
What vegetable lives in your heart?
Beets.
Why was the pig crying? Because he was boar-ed to tears.
Water you doing?
What is a dairy product like as a partner?
They’re your butter half.
Not only did I have a good time at Taco Bell
I had a Baja Blast
Why did Dracula take cold medicine in winter? To stop his coffin.
It takes one to snow one.
Which Finn is like a hotdog on the ice? Teemu Salami.
What does a bankrupt frog say?
Baroke, baroke, baroke.
Did you hear about the pear that fell off of the tree and fell to its death?
The damage was irreparable.
If a woman with big breasts works at Hooters, where does someone with one leg work?
IHOP.
How does Italy execute its criminals?
Guidotine.
What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell
Sun to Earth, on the night of 31st December:
"Let's have another round, shall we?"
The oranges have great eyesight because they always keep their eyes peeled.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Eyesore.
Eyesore who?
Eyesore from my long run—can we take the elevator?
As a butcher, let me advise you never to back up into the meat grinder. It will make you get a little behind in your work.
I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him.
The dog didn’t want to play soccer because it was a boxer.
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
What do you call hell for potheads?
Canabyss.
What does Bigfoot do to relax in his spare time?
He goes bird squatching!
Which monster did the three bears catch sleeping?
Ghouldilocks!
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
Just finished my first shift as a lion impersonator.
It was a roaring success.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
My dog loves poetry.
Especially William Shakes-paw.
I'm still figuring out how to properly wear a face covering. Before I could master the art I was robbed of my beloved mask...
It was stolen from right under my nose.
Why will the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch!
I beg your garden?
What did the man say after his boss threw cheese, milk, and creamer in his face? How dairy!
What do you get when two giraffes run into each other?
A giraffic jam.
I once tried crossing a flamingo with a cement mixer. Sounds crazy, but I really wanted a good brick layer.
Q. Why was the blonde disappointed after her visit to an apiary?
A. There weren't any gorillas there. DUH!
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
What do you say if you meet a toad?
Wart's new?
Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?
He wanted to go where no man had gone before.
Why did the blonde skier only wear one boot?
Channel 7's weatherman said there was a 50% chance of snow.
What's the difference between a high-hit baseball and a maggot's father?
One is a pop fly and the other is a fly pop.
A bunch of chill-dren from the neighborhood played all afternoon in the snow.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.