I go through so much shampoo it's just ridiculous!
I don't know, maybe my head is bigger than most but it does say to use a cap full.
The police came to arrest me after I tried to play my cat like a violin
They are charging me with Kitty Fiddling.
The walls in this tennis factory are so thin, that when I try to get some work done, all I hear is people making a racquet.
What do you call a rental car in Spain?
A Barceloaner.
What type of candy sent the skeleton to the hospital?
Jawbreakers.
What was Valentine’s favorite dessert for the French cat?
Chocolate mousse
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
How do you know if it’s too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-cooked eggs.
You’re wine in a million.
I have been saying "mucho" more often while talking to my Hispanic friends
It means a lot to them.
Why did bulb pack an apple in his bag?
He wanted to have a light snack.
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
The lettuce was ahead while the tomato tried to ketchup.
There are lots of funny jokes about mushrooms that can give you stitches. However, you need to be patient enough because they need time to grow on you.
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
What did the ground say to the earthquake? You crack me up!
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws.
What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure?
A complete waist of time.
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
I'm so Midwestern, it's in my blood
I'm type Ohp!-ositive
What did the thunderstorm say to the lightning rod?
You'll never catch me, copper!
If you can't beat them...
Just have your eggs fried.
What do you call a parallelogram that's also your parent's mother?
A parallelogramma
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
Artists know how to draw the line, so you can't really peer pressure them.
Theatre costumes must be handled with care since they're often laced with something.
Who is the funniest fruit around? Cherry Seinfeld.
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick....
She still isn't talking to me.
What is a dog’s favorite coordinates?
K9.
What is the executioner’s favorite vegetable?
A head of lettuce.
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
What do you call a dude who really likes autumn?
A fall guy!
My partner has been having nightmares that he’s a truck. He always wakes up tyred and exhaust-ed.
Thankfully, not too many thieves are interested in acting on stage. They'd surely steal the show.
I put some salt on my mobile. Now it’s a saxaphone.
What do you call it when a giraffe swallows a toy jet?
A plane in the neck.
She said, "Don't go bacon my heart."
I told her, "I couldn't if I fried."
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
A woman gets into an accident while driving. She tries to explain to the officer that it wasn’t her fault. She says the other guy was drinking and on his phone! The officer looks at the lady and says, "Mam, he could do that in his own backyard.”
She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
Whenever I give my daughter cherries, she stuffs them in the chair
Now we call them chairries
My cat kept jumping onto my desk.
I had to put him down.
You are shrimply the best!
While cuddling my girlfriend, I whispered "Honey, this isn't working out for me."
Then I rolled off the bed and started doing push-ups. "This is working out for me!"
Why is the baby strawberry crying?
Because its parents are jamming
I went to Spain to attend the Running of the Bulls, but when I arrived, there was nothing there but cows with fake horns attached.
I was in shambles.
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
Which side of a koala bear has the most fur? The outside!
For the record, you’re not old, you’re a classic.
What’s sweet and goes woof?
Pupcakes!