What do you call a kids book about otters? Harry Otter.
Any proof that Saturn married more than once? Well, he do has a lot of rings.
What do you call it when a dinosaur gets in a car accident? Tyrannasaurus wreck!
Why did the turkey NOT cross the road?
To prove that he wasn't chicken.
This Valentine's day, I decided to pay extra and buy flowers that look after themselves.
They are Self Raising.
Where do kangaroos like to eat?
At IHOP.
Why did the farmer hang raincoats all over his orchard? Someone told him he should get an apple Mac
Why shouldn’t you shoot an alligator?
He’ll just bite the bullet and make the best of it.
They say that volleyball is just mind over matter. Because in our minds, you don’t matter.
Why did the hotdogger quit skiing at MaryJane?
Because it was the wurst stunt skier at Winter Park Resort.
The flock of crows that were sprayed with sewage was a true definition of murder most foul.
When the chef asked me how I would like my soup, I said "I would like minestrone".
My theater group is writing a sci-fi thriller about classical musicians.
I'll be Bach.
Why does your laptop have a blanket on it?
It's on sleep mode.
How do you know if a tiger is male or female?
Throw a rock at it. If he runs it's a male. If she runs it's a female.
What do you call a pig squished by sand? A ham sandwich.
An owl had a sore throat but wasn't bothered.
He couldn't give a hoot.
Why do gnomes make such great secretaries?
Because they’re good at shorthand.
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
Why are burgers bad at telling jokes? Because they all are cheesy.
Did you here about the croc with a serious drug addiction?
It was a crackodile.
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
Did you hear about the vultures who went to check-in for their flight at the airport? When the check-in agent asked them if they had any luggage to check, they replied, no we just have carri-on.
Why did the volleyball player get thrown out of the party? He spiked the punch.
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo? A turkey that can pluck itself!
Why was the crow on the telephone wire? To make a long-distance caw.
What do you call a Boston creme donut that’s a straight-A student?
The creme of the crop.
Why shouldn’t you let advanced math intimidate you?
It’s really as easy as pi!
An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.
What do you call an onion that is very sick and has a high temperature? It is a boiling onion.
When pigs work together, it’s known as collab-boar-ation.
How do you make sweet corn?
You whisper sweet nothings in its ear!
How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
Put it in a viola case.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese!
Just been to the funeral of a close friend who died when he was hit in the head by a tennis ball
Great service.
Which building do vampires always visit when in New York?
The Vampire State Building.
What is a koala’s favorite exercise?
Bearobics.
What does a deer say when it prays to the god?
“Deer God!”
After checking my poor results, the art teacher shouted, "Never in a vermilion years have I seen such poor grades"!
How are trumpets like pirates?
They both murder in the high C’s.
Where do astronauts buy their milk? From the milky way!!!
When a girl saw a sad alligator at the zoo she asked him; hey are you cai-man?
I had to give an impromptu speech on a piece of cloth that encircles the wrist...
I spoke off the cuff on the cuff.
What do you call a beaver with a bad attitude who acts lazy? A beaver that doesn’t give a dam.
Why couldn't the alpha helix say the alphabet?
Because it broke up every time it got to L-amino P.
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls in the dirt, crosses the road again, and then rolls in the dirt again?
A dirty double-crossing chicken.
What did the first century Christian say about the lion that killed his wife?
I'm Gladiator.
There are so many jokes about classical composers I could write you a Liszt.
When do you put paprika on eggs? Fry-Day.
What happened if vampires came to a big dance?
A bat ball.