Someone randomly dropped off a bull in my neighbor’s yard, but animal control picked it up before she got home.
She would have had a cow.
We had made everything for the party and the groom came in, did a quick assessment and didn’t seem amused. “Orange you glad we did this?” we asked him.
What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter? Pumpkin-Pie!
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
What does a duck that’s made of avocado say?
Guac.
Why didnt the moon go outside?
Because it was waning.
What are pig criminals known for? Pigpockets.
Who is the most famous actor in Greece ?
John Travolta.
The Beavers have the ugliest house in the neighborhood.
It’s a dam shame.
Why did the cherry blossom tree seem scared when it was trying to make a cherry pie? Because it was baking like a leaf.
Why did the man bring a gun to the clock factory?
To kill some time.
What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren
Why did the Ghost turn down the job? He could not see himself doing it.
I love complimentary WiFi.
It makes me feel good about myself.
What do you call it when a dinosaur gets in a car accident? Tyrannasaurus wreck!
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
The builder beaver decided to launch a new liquid dam-building product, but the market was too saturated.
What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married?
Feyonce.
Police were called to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
I came home to find many folders, calendars and filing cabinets were stolen.
Police believe it to be the work of organised crime.
The police told me they'd throw me in jail the next time they caught me stealing board games.
But that's a Risk I'm willing to take.
Why did the tiger lose at poker?
Because he was playing with a cheetah.
Why do basketball players love cookies? Because they can dunk them!
What do you call a communist violin?
The second Fidel.
It's just a lot of croc 'n' roll.
H20 is water, but what is H204?
It’s for swimming and drinking, of course.
What do you call it when pigs attack you?
A hambush.
What does a well-educated owl say?
Whom.
I'm coming out of the closet to tell everyone I was just hired as a seamstress for the theatre.
How do pigs write top secret messages?
With invisible oink!
What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 200 years
Apparently Dracula sets up a password for every website so he can click on Your Account.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
Deja moo:
That feeling you've heard this bull before.
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
Bill’s house was rocking last night, everyone got stoned.
Too bad Bill didn’t have avalanche insurance.
Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk? To hatchet.
I’ll have a crocodile sandwich please, and make it snappy!
Why did the horse like her new backpack?
The straps were adju-stable.
Why are the electricians always up to date? Because they are ‘current specialists.
Beavers are the best at getting things done on riverbanks. They have their own waves of working.
Werewolves keep their spare things in a were-house.
What did the baby corn call his dad?
Pop corn!
A teacher asks one of their pupils, "Can you describe Napoleon"s origin?"
The pupil replies, "Course I can." (Corsican)
Why does everyone paint Easter Eggs? Because it is a lot easier than wallpapering them.
I used to own a rabbit, but now he’s just some bunny that I used to know.
What will you get if you cross an ice bear and a running tiger? Frostbite.