Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.
Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a leaf blower? A hare dryer!
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
I don’t always like to tell dwarf jokes. But when I do, I like to keep them short.
What’s the difference between a worm and pumpkin?
Have you ever tried worm pie?
Why can't a brain be 12 inches long?
Becuase then it would be a foot.
What did the boy without hands get for his birthday?
Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.
Which cartoon character is the best at baseball?
Homer Simpson.
"You can't beat me."
I need to take this picture for my instayam
I can’t decide how to finish this wooden sign telling my parrot that she’s become a member of the Scottish aristocracy
Polyurethane?
Why did the mouse eat a candle?
For some light refreshment!
How did the skeleton baker make bread?
He Knee-d it.
It is said that crows and owls are in caw-hoots.
When can your cup of coffee tell the weather?
When it's muggy.
What did the banker want from the baker?
To pump her nickels.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
Somebody stole all my lamps… I couldn’t be more de-lighted!
To begin to toboggan first buy a toboggan, but don’t buy too big a toboggan. Too big a toboggan is too big a toboggan to buy to begin to toboggan.
What do you call it when a skeleton is having a great time?
An osteoblast.
Why did the Easter Bunny have to leave school?
He was eggspelled.
A bear's least favorite pastry at any party is the blue bear-y pie.
Q: What do you call a windmill swallowed up by a tornado?
A: A wind meal
What did the mummy say to the zombie?
- Stop ragging on me!
My husband was allergic to my cat so I knew I had to get rid of him… so I’m looking to rehome Gerry, he’s thirty-five and works in accounting!
Electric razors are the best thing since sliced beard.
Where do crows go to get educated?
CAWlege
What do two tomatoes do after not seeing each other for a long period of time?
They ketchup.
Why are popsicles so snobby?
They have a stick up their butt.
Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
Because they spend years at C!
Flamingoes have a special name for one of their numbers who has passed away. They call it flamingone.
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
When Berry the dog dug up the woman's strawberry patch, she angrily exclaimed "That is the final straw, Berry."
What do you give a deer with an upset stomach?
Elka Seltzer.
The bowling team of which I am captain is known lightning. This is because we get countless strikes.
What do you call meat balls falling from the sky? A meat-ior shower.
The guy who got arrested for eating batteries…. He is to be charged in the morning.
Did you hear about the man who stole thousands of dollars worth of rare tea?
He went to prison for Oolong time.
What do you call a noisy group of crows?
A caw-cophony!
Two blood cells can meet and fall in love with each other, but it is all in vein.
Where do kittens learn to move around? On the catwalk
Teaching babies to walk is hard, but you just have take it one step at a time.
The tiny bag of flour got in trouble, so his mother sent him to bread early. He kneaded to be punished.
The favorite soccer position for ghosts is the ghoul keeper.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese!
What is a terrorist's preferred kind of wine?
White Infidel.
Why did the Zombie baseball pitcher retire?
He threw his arm out.
Did you hear about those really bad storms that hit that boy scout camp over night?
They were in tents.
What do you call a well-balanced horse?
Stable.