Cherry pie can be a bit aggressive. Rumor has it they go around saying, “Hey! You want a piece of me?”
What do you call a sloth that barely moves a muscle? A slow-off (show off).
Why was the orange the valedictorian of her class?
She was the zest in class.
Two sodium atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly one says “Oh, my God, I’ve lost an electron!” The other says “Lost an electron! Are you sure?” and the first replies “Yes, I’m positive!”
Why did the volleyball player get thrown out of the party? He spiked the punch.
I have no idea how to raise chickens.
I think I’ll just wing it.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? A; Because he heard the cakes were rich.
Shrek isn't bad, but he's not that great either. I guess you could say he's medi-ogre.
Which alphabet gang strikes fear in the hearts of the other letters?
I Q U.
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
What do you call one day below freezing and the next day at 70 degrees?
“It’s snowing today, but water you doing tomorrow?”
A guy walks into a crow bar
It's a murder scene
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
Why did it take the Roman General 10 tries to find the buried treasure?
Because X marks the spot
My mother's mother hit the jackpot at the BINGO!!!
She's a grammy winner!
What did the last of the zombies say to the survivers of the apocalypse?
- It’s been a living hell with you guys around.
Why is The Hulk such a good gardener? Because he’s got green fingers.
Did you hear about the gorilla with a screw loose?
He needed to use a money wrench to tighten it.
What do you call a turtle chef?
A slow cooker.
My dog wants to be a tradesman.
I think he wants to be a woof-er.
Every koala supports the idea of being able to defend themselves against tyranny. They believe in having the right to bear claws.
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? Canned food.
Which basketball team is the favorite at the North Pole?
The New York Old Saint Knicks.
Where is a basketball player's favorite place to eat?
Dunkin' Donuts
What is the best thing to do if you notice a gorilla is sitting at your desk?
Find another place to sit.
Have you ever seen the episode of VeggieTales directed by Tarantino?
It’s called Mango Unchained.
What type of noodles did the ancient Egyptian kings loved to eat? Ramen.
What do neurons use to talk to each other?
Cellular phones.
What
What’s the healthiest part of a donut?
The middle.
When we put our two hearts together, we can’t be beat.
How do you call an extremely soothing table?
A console
What did one glow worm said to the other one?
You glow girl!
RIP boiled water.
You will be mist.
The salesman at the furniture store told me "This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems!"
To which I said, “Where on earth am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur A lickalotopis
I'll open fire on anyone who says video games make children violent!
What was the event of the onion family getting back together called as? A family reonion.
Can an Australian with poor vision clearly see the moon?
No, but a "good eye might."
What does a skeleton use to cut through objects?
A shoulder blade.
You have me greening from ear to ear.
Where do the keys on a keyboard go to have a good time
The spacebar.
Campground bathrooms are always behind the times.
They're all past tents.
As you would expect, most airline pilots make friends only in high places.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
How does Bigfoot clear his sinuses?
With a yeti pot.
What’s the opposite of Himalayan salt?
Herastandin pepper.
My friend was bragging about his new L-shaped sofa, so I told him I had one too.
It's just lowercase.
What made the computer so smart?
Because he listened to his motherboard!
What do you call a pig with a rash? Ham and eczema.
The reason you will see all the cows lie down when it starts to rain is because they want to keep each
udder dry.