What do you call a goat that lip-syncs?
Billy Vanilli.
What type of dog would be the best at portraying Tina Turner?
An Angela Bassett Hound.
“Look out for Santa Paws!”
Historians have discovered a new Greek God who didn’t excel at anything.
His name was mediocretese.
Why couldn’t Jonah trust the ocean?
Because he knew there was something fishy about it.
Did you hear the gardener's joke about the old oak tree?
It's acorny one!
Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.
What do you call an annoying person who plays the trumpet?
A brasshole.
What do you call a dinosaur that eats fireworks? A dino-mite
I am happy that the arrangements for St Patrick's day are going great. The large bottles of green soda look pitcher-perfect.
Who fixed people's backs in ancient Egypt?
Cairo practers.
What did the cow that was struck by lightning say?
I'm udderly shocked.
Why are watermelons, such good entrepreneurs?
“They always have seed money.”
How was the first giraffe made?
Chuck Norris uppercut a horse.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a hyena?
A monster with a sense of humor.
How does Italy execute its criminals?
Guidotine.
What was the donut’s least favorite part of its day?
I’m not really sure; it glazed over that part.
What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, a shovel and a terrier?
A hot-diggity-dog.
What does a hippy cherry wear to a festival? A pie dye T-shirt.
What do you call an ant who can see into the future?
Clairvoy-ant.
My favorite fruit is the pear.
Because if you have two and you eat one, you still have a pear left.
I'm the pun King of Halloween.
Whats the best cheese to coax a bear down a mountain? Camembert (Come On Bear)
The salesman at the furniture store told me "This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems!"
To which I said, “Where on earth am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
Why do trees have to drink responsibly? Otherwise, they become a bunch of trunk idiots.
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
I bought an old stereo.
My wife has her doubts, but I think it's a sound investment.
Why does a cow hate artificial milk? Because the substance is pow-dairy.
What to you call a legume with facial hair?
A mustachio!
I almost got a world record for having the most peas up my nose but sadly I blew it.
What did summer say to spring?
Help – I’m about to fall!
My wife and I have been having trouble communicating. We decided to take a walk when we passed a farm. She said "awww, babe look at the sheep."
"No, ewe." I said.
Where do American trees like to go for vacations in Canada? Montreeal.
What is the first thing that gorillas learn at kindergarten?
Apey Cee's?
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
It is ridiculous having a basketball team that lacks a website. Do you mean none of them can string three W’s together?
My Buddhist friend just gave me a “Nirvana” scented perfume.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
He has some good puns on crows, but he doesn’t have to keep crowing about it.
Sometimes planes go in for maintenance when they have cracks in their bodywork, we call them air-line fractures.
Variety is the ice of life.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
What do you call a pig with no legs?
A groundhog.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
I was going to try putting a mushroom into my cola. I wanted to be a my cola gist.
What did the man say after his boss threw cheese, milk, and creamer in his face? How dairy!
Why was the bucket so embarrassed at the beach?
Because of how pail it was.