Which car do sheep drive?
Su-baa-ru.
What do you call a man in the ocean with no arms and no legs? Bob.
Tigers are probably the most roarsome animal ever created!
What kind of flowers bloom on your face? Tulips!
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
My dad tried to put peas into an orange once. It didn't appeal to me.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
Why couldn't the little witch read her spellbook?
It was written in curse-ive.
An army of werewolves is known as a Fur-eign Legion.
What do you call a bear without any teeth?
A gummy bear.
One day a apple saw a banana without its peel. The apple asked banana, where is your peel? He replied, people are always taking off my clothes.
Why is the air so clean and healthy on Halloween?
The witches sweep the sky.
What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
The reason why soccer players are brilliant in math is because they know how to use their heads well.
If your mom slaps you with high frequency -
It Hertz
What is the best way to stop a pizza curling?
Hide its brush.
Have you heard about the guy who stole a truck carrying supplies of disinfectant? Police say he made a clean getaway.
My dog is very poor.
He can’t afford a “woof” over his head.
What various kinds of fishes live in space? Starfish.
What do you call a ghost of a man with a broken leg? A hobblin’ goblin.
What became of the pig who got fired from his job? He became canned ham.
Why did the bucket bounce?
Because it was filled with spring water.
Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.
Why was the old computer sad?
Because it had a floppy disk.
Q: What do you call a gust of wind that blows a tall guys onto a basketball court?
A: The NBA draft
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Harrison Ford film? Raiders of the Lost Bark.
What do you call a flying cheese?
A curd of prey.
Did you know that ghosts call their true love their ghoul-friend?
My wife said that onions are the only vegetable that makes her cry
So I threw a pumpkin at her
I was going to tell you a joke about an egg but it's not all it's cracked up to be.
The scientist time travels between summer and winter using his autumn-mobile!
What did the worm want to do when he grew up? He wanted to join the Apple Core (Corps).
How are a volleyball player and a carpenter similar? They both love to hammer spikes.
Why was the dogwood always making bad choices? Because he kept barking up the wrong tree.
What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!
Why did the skeleton put on a heavy coat?
He was chillled to the bone.
Q. Which kind of cheese is made fom deer milk?
A. Moose-erella.
What do cats eat on hot days?
Mice cream.
I read Reims of info before I got here, but nothing can prepare you for how beautiful this place is.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
The late actor Sir Sean Connery was a big fan of the onion because well, he usshed to love them shh-allot.
Broken pencils are pointless.
How does a bee travel to a tree? They get on the buzz.
Did you know Teslas don't have that new car smell?
They have more of an Elon Musk.
I had to carry a group of crows once.
It was murder on my back!
An astronaut broke up with his girlfriend
Apparently he didn't love her to the moon and back.
No, I'm not concerned about crows infesting my house...
It's actually just a mynah problem.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
What did the river ask the beaver? "Water you doing today?"