The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
What do emo birds call their mouths?
Bleaks.
Digging trenches during the middle ages was seen as a great honor because it showed someone's shovelry!
What do you get when an Elephant sits on an Orange?
Orange squash.
Why did the Easter bunny fire the duck?
He kept quacking all the eggs.
What do two tomatoes do after not seeing each other for a long period of time?
They ketchup.
When I wrote the history of cheese for our term paper in school, our History teacher said it was grate.
When I broke my brother's favorite toy, he turned absolutely red in anger.
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
I feel thankful for having you as my gym buddy and lover.
Our relationship is really working out.
What did the llama get when he graduated school?
A dipllama.
Why won't prison life be much different from playing for the Bills? OJ will still have big guys opening holes for him.
TV news anchors love the shades of red. They get serious whenever there is Burgundy.
A spider called a tech support office.
He needed help connecting to the web.
I listenend to the football game on the radio. It was being broadcast on a catholic satellite radio station.
So I tirned to my dad and said, "That's weird. Football isn't even that religious of a sport!"
My dad replied, "Nope. Lacrosse is!"
What do you get when you cross a pig with a centipede?
Bacon and Legs.
Where do monkeys go to drink?
To the monkey bars.
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
Most of your players never make it out of the lower-level tournaments. I highly doubt their Futures as a professional.
The Secret Service surround the President with twelve cows because they were attempting to beef up their security.
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
What did the zombie say when she fell out with her vampire friend?
- You're dead to me!
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
Is a goat that eats office supplies on a staple diet?
How come an owl turns his cell phone off at night? So he doesn't get any hooty calls.
A burglar broke into my house and took all my condiments, now I'm Spiceless in Seattle.
What does Spider-man become when he joins the circus?
an aracnobat.
What is an owl who has been caught called?
A spotted owl.
I was she-shocked when my pet turtle died.
What do you call a kids book about otters? Harry Otter.
Any proof that Saturn married more than once? Well, he do has a lot of rings.
What do you call it when a dinosaur gets in a car accident? Tyrannasaurus wreck!
Why did the turkey NOT cross the road?
To prove that he wasn't chicken.
This Valentine's day, I decided to pay extra and buy flowers that look after themselves.
They are Self Raising.
Where do kangaroos like to eat?
At IHOP.
Why did the farmer hang raincoats all over his orchard? Someone told him he should get an apple Mac
Why shouldn’t you shoot an alligator?
He’ll just bite the bullet and make the best of it.
They say that volleyball is just mind over matter. Because in our minds, you don’t matter.
Why did the hotdogger quit skiing at MaryJane?
Because it was the wurst stunt skier at Winter Park Resort.
The flock of crows that were sprayed with sewage was a true definition of murder most foul.
When the chef asked me how I would like my soup, I said "I would like minestrone".
My theater group is writing a sci-fi thriller about classical musicians.
I'll be Bach.
Why does your laptop have a blanket on it?
It's on sleep mode.
How do you know if a tiger is male or female?
Throw a rock at it. If he runs it's a male. If she runs it's a female.
What do you call a pig squished by sand? A ham sandwich.
An owl had a sore throat but wasn't bothered.
He couldn't give a hoot.
Why do gnomes make such great secretaries?
Because they’re good at shorthand.
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
Why are burgers bad at telling jokes? Because they all are cheesy.