What’s the difference between a school bus driver and a winter cold? One knows all the stops, and the other stops the nose.
What did the mushroom’s sing when they won the closed-cup? - We are the champignons!
Another cheese factory in France exploded...
I Camembert to hear this joke again!
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
How do you confuse a fish?
Put the fish in a round fishbowl and tell it to go to the corner.
Why are men like coffee? The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
What sort of lights were on Noah’s Ark?
Flood lights.
What’s Another Name For iPhone Chargers?
Apple Juice.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
What do you call a bear who practices dentistry?
A molar bear.
Why did the man get so sad his computer had a virus?
It was a terminal illness.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday?
Mice cream and cake!
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
What looks like half a pine tree? The other half.
I saw a movie about a pig with no eyes.
It was PG.
Vasco de Balboa told the Queen of Spain, “I discovered a large body of water on my journey.”
She said, “Could you be a little more pacific?”
What do you call a ghost of a man with a broken leg? A hobblin’ goblin.
Donut even think about taking another donut!
Why did the skeleton go to the dance?
To see the boogie man.
What did the baby mouse do when she saw a bat?
She ran home and told her mother she saw an angel
When should you stop for a glow worm? When he has a red light.
I recently quit my job as a butler at a stately home.
I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.
Why should you never tell jokes about radon, cobalt and yttrium? They are just too CoRnY.
What do Ghosts suffer from? Saturday fright fever.
Q: Why did the tiger eat the lamp?
A: He wanted a light lunch.
I once had my identity stolen by a cement truck driver. It took me ages to track him down, but now I have concrete evidence.
Patient: "Nurse im suffering from bacon disease!" Nurse: "Baloney"
My sister's laptop is so sassy and fun, it loves to play disc-o music.
What did the deer say when he left the barbershop?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
Why did Tarzan spend so much time on the golf course?
He was perfecting his swing
Do you know what is so special about the alphabet soup of Twitter? It only allows 140 letters.
Fall is a-maize-ing.
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator? “Hey, close the door! I’m dressing!”
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
What is smarter than a talking cat? A spelling bee.
What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 200 years
Dud you know Astronauts said steaks are better in space?
They're a little meteor.
What do you call a pig thats wrong? Mistaken bacon.
Why are trees the largest plant? Because they are truly tree-mendous.
What is it called when two spies hug?
A bond-ing moment.
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
She was wheeled to the operating room, but then she underwent a change of heart.
What race makes for the edgiest bards?
Rock gnomes.
What are a golfer’s favorite flowers?
Fore-get-me-nots.
What happens if you listen to metal too loudly?
You become Megadeaf
Why do blues musicians tour the most in the summer? So they can visit all their kids.
I tried to tell a joke about towels...
But people don’t like my dry humor.
Why did the teapot get in trouble? Because he was Naught-Tea.
How good is a Coney Island gyro? Feta than se*.