There is a Giant Screwdriver attacking the city. Please seek shelter immediately. This is not a drill.
Police were called to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
What do you call a crimson-colored fish wearing a hat?
A red herring...
A new bakery in town began ding extremely well. They said that business was definitely on the rise.
Through three cheese trees, three free fleas flew. While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew. Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze. Freezy trees made these trees’ cheese freeze. That’s what made these three free fleas sneeze.
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy
I went on a date with a Chess World Champion the other night.
It took her about 10 minutes to pass the salt.
Soft fruit is not always the best at doing research. They aren’t very thorough; they tend to cherry pick information.
The Japanese restaurant serves the best soups. It will always make miso happy.
Why was the pizzeria desperate for business?
Because they kneaded the dough!
What type of songs do planets sing?
Nep-Tunes.
Salty but sweet.
Did you know that Beethoven's favorite fruit
Ba Na Na Naaa...Ba Na Na Naaa...
What do you do when a ton of ghosts show up at your house? Hope that it’s Halloween!
What is white and has long ears, whiskers, and sixteen wheels? Two rabbits on Rollerblades!
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
Where did the music teacher leave her keys?
In the piano.
Why didn’t the skeleton feel like patching up his broken ribcage?
His heart wasn’t in it.
I’d like to throw away my old can, but my pusher friend here says he loves junk balls.
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
What happens when you cross an iron with a telephone? You get a smooth signal.
My New Years resolution for next year will be to finally get that laser eye surgery I’ve always wanted
It’s my 2020 vision
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts we don't serve your type!
What is a cat’s favorite Tom Hanks character? Furrest Gump.
Thin grippy thick slippery.
Love is also like a pineapple: They both are undefinable and sweet.
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
When I was younger, I once smashed up a nest of heron's eggs.
No egrets.
What’s a buck’s least favorite sandwich bread?
Sour doe.
What did the duck say when the waitress came?
Put it on my bill.
I asked a vampire if I could borrow some money. He told me he needed to go to the blood bank.
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
What’s that green head of something that is the main part of a salad?
Lettuce think about it.
What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.
An army of werewolves is known as a Fur-eign Legion.
Whats the difference between onions and girls?
I cry when I cut up onions.
Did you hear about the bear with the bad heart?
It went into kodiak arrest.
My herbs were looking a little scuffed, but when I went to go polish them, my friend was already getting ready to help me out. This made me upset, so I grabbed a sprig out of their hands and said
This is my thyme to shine.
My cranium is empty. I'm running bone-dry here.
I would tell a time travel joke,
but you didn't like it.
How to tell a car it has gained weight?
‘You have got Fiat.’
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?
Because the early beard gets the wyrm.
I'm starting a music group that performs Classical Greek music.
I'm calling it Oedipal Arrangements.
What's a coffee's favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With your Best Shot.
What’s ET short for?
So he can fit in the spaceship!
When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren't paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, "Don't you understand the gravity of this situation?"
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
There once was a koala who could run at a speed of more than 800 miles per hour. He was the first koala to break the sound bearier.