Why did the artist have to go to the bathroom right away? Because when you gotta Van Gogh, you gotta Van Gogh.
Friend of mine got sacked as a set designer for not producing anything. He didn't make a scene.
Why are skeletons so good at telling jokes?
Because they have a funny bone.
What kind of nuts come in cans?
Creamed a-corn.
Why did one pineapple invite another to their party? Because they were real piner-pals.
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
What do you say when you see a stunned ghostbuster catch a ghoul?
He's a little confused but he's got the spirit.
What did the deer say to his friend during their night in the woods?
This is so much fawn!
What did the electrician use to moisturise his hair?
Air conditioner.
What’s it like to kiss a vampire?
A real pain in the neck!
My wife asked: "What's our WiFi?"
I said: It's an internet connection that works wirelessly through something called a modem. Why?"
She hasn't spoken to me all week.
When does the moon gets his/her stomach full? During full moon.
Why did the penguin enter the theatre?
He wanted to go into snow business
I don't understand why Bed Bath & Beyond is considered a non-essential business.
Don't they carry essential oils?
I heard Placebo on the radio. I actually thought it was The Cure.
How do geologists like to relax? In rocking chairs, of course!
Why do snowmen always get injured when playing sports?
Because they refuse to warm up!
She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.
I feel like I have seen that ghost before...I must have deja boo.
The color of the sky can help in predicting the weather. It gives a fair report of the hue-midity.
What sort of cakes do snowmen like?
The ones with thick icing!
Why couldn’t the peanut finish the project?
Work came to a grinding halt.
I knew a guy in jail who would never knife a man in the back or when he was down
He was the very model of shivalry.
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gater.
For years I told my daughter she was half-human and half-mermaid... but that her bottom half was human, and her top half was mermaid.
What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients?
At your cervix, m'lady
What do you call the gladiator who only tackles other gladiators?
Wrestle Crow.
What do you call a parallelogram that's also your parent's mother?
A parallelogramma
How did the witch feel about using her broom to do housework?
She bristled at the suggestion!
My life-long rival just beat my record for deep-sea diving.
This is a new low.
what does a female corn do when she likes a male corn?
she corn-fesses.
What's green and hangs from trees? Dinosaur snot.
Did you hear about the negative nelly who hates German sausage?
He always fears the wurst.
Flamingos do annoy each other sometimes. Apparently this is because they enjoy ruffling feathers.
The chicken got sent off in the middle of the match because of their persistent fowl play.
I think you’re incredi-bowl.
A man entered his house and was absolutely delighted when he discovered someone had stolen every lamp in his house.
Everybody romaine calm.
How do pigs write top secret messages?
With invisible oink!
Werewolves love their fast food.
My bag of fruit snacks had all grapes
Today’s gonna be a grape day!
What should you give a deer when it gets stomachache?
Elk-a-seltzer.
Where do pigs learn about magic?
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
How do you call stage diving at Oktoberfest?
Krautsurfing.
Why was the doctor’s favorite patient a cat? Because she has nine lives!
What eats laptops? Computer worms.
What did the mother brain say to her oldest child when it was bothering her youngest child?
It didn't want to get brain-washed.
What’s worse than one crocodile coming to dinner?
Two crocodiles coming to dinner.
What is the onion that laughs a lot and is small and white in color? It is a tickled onion.