Prince Charles is selling his towel.
If anybody wants a heir dryer...
Why did the River go to the doctor? Her flow wouldn't stop.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite drink?
A juice pouch.
If your mom slaps you with high frequency -
It Hertz
What do you get when you cross a computer with an elephant? Lots of memory!
Why do you have to wait so long for a train on Halloween? They only run a skeleton service.
What’s a glow worms favourite song?
Wake me up before you glow glow!
Why don't crabs give birthday presents?
Because they're just shellfish.
What did the pun say to his annoying colleague?
You're being pun-reasonable right now!
What does it take to be good at making Greek pottery?
You have to urn it.
An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
Why did the monster eat the caboose? The locomotive told it to choo choo.
Why did the orange cry?
Someone hurt its peelings.
My pet seal was getting a bit old and wrinkly
...so I bought a seal iron
Why do painters always fall for their models?
Because they love them with all of their art.
They had us working like dogs at work after a storm
All I did was pick up sticks and bark.
Why was the skeleton so lonely?
He had no body.
What do skiers get if they sit in the snow for too long?
Polaroids!
KID :"DAD, make me a sandwich."
DAD :"Poof, you're now a sandwich."
What did the Gorilla say to his friend when he called him back on the phone?
You-Rang-a-Tang?
The jam bank went bankrupt because of the series of strobberies in the last quarter.
What do you call a piece of cheese that likes to shoot hoops? Swiss!
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
Walked into a restroom and saw an "Out of order" sign on a urinal.
It's going to be tough to move all these urinals to get them back in the right order....
Why did two fishes go to the riverbank? They wanted to withdraw their fins.
What do dogs say when something cool happens?
Paw-some.
What do they call Bigfoot in Europe?
Bigmeter.
What do you call a seamstress that snuck aboard a ship?
A sew-away!
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity and it’s impossible to put down.
Thankfully evolution gave us ears a million years ago...
Now we finally get to use them to wear masks.
What did the banana say to the monkey? Nothing, bananas can't talk!
What do you call someone who loves dark beer?
Stouthearted.
What do you call it when you have proof that you bought a wig?
A receipting hairline
Why did the woman go outdoors with her purse open?
Because she expected some change in the weather.
How did the headless chicken cross the road?
In a KFC bucket.
What do all French cars come with as standard?
A spare wheel of cheese.
What type of cat will keep your garden looking nice and tidy? A lawn meower.
What do cats wear to bed? Paw-jamas.
I have a pogo stick made out of vegetables. It’s a spring onion.
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.
What did the apple teacher say to her student? Help me orange the chairs please!
What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
What kind of dinosaur can you ride in a rodeo? A Bronco-saurus!
I stumbled upon people arguing about trains in my town.
I told them, what’s the lo-commotion?
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”
I wasn't wearing hearing protection when the atom bomb went off.
Now I am become deaf, destroyer of worlds.
Why does the rabbit bring toilet paper to the party? Because he is a party pooper.
What a pun's dream job?
To be an acu-pun-cturist!