What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral.
My Asian neighbor owns a T-shirt company where he colors white shirts. I think it's a Thai Dye T-shirt company.
My Haloween costume would have been perfect if my hair agreed with me. Guess I’m just having a bad scare day.
My wife was trying to feed our son a pear, and he was refusing.
I said, Good news. Our son is immune to pear pressure.
If you're wondering if someone's become a vampire, there's an easy way to tell. A true vampire is always coffin.
What is the difference between a chemist and a geologist? While a geologist will drink anything fermented, a chemist just
drinks anything that is distilled.
Why didn't the mummy have any friends? Because he was too wrapped up in himself.
If coloured caterpillars could change their colours constantly could they keep their coloured coat coloured properly?
What's the name of the funniest mountain range in the world? The Himhilarious.
What do you do when your dog chews a dictionary?
Take the words out of his mouth.
If you see a wasp, don't kill it. Let it bee.
If fish is brain food, what do dumb people eat? Noodle soup.
Why did it take the Roman General 10 tries to find the buried treasure?
Because X marks the spot
There are more planes under the oceans than there are submarines up in the skies. Let that sink in...
Have you heard about the Italian Bigfoot?
The spag-yeti.
What do you call a tiger who always gets the same grades as one other person? A tie-ger.
There was a fire at the yodeling school. Everyone was asked to exit in an orderly orderly orderly manner.
What do you do when you miss the ferry?
Call a canoe-ber.
What eats laptops? Computer worms.
I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a pot. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa.
How can you hear the sounds of a group of dolphins?
Listen to their podcast.
Want to hear the best rock puns? Give me a moment and I'll dig something up!
What did the Jedi tell the sacred tree? May the forest be with you.
Why don't murderers often attend tea parties?
They prefer a casual tea.
Did you hear about the Irish potato that immigrated?
He became a French fry.
What's yellow and black and yellow and black and yellow and black?
A wasp rolling down a hill.
What kind of milk do people drink in Mexico? Soy milk.
Why didn't the unripe strawberry got any cards and chocolates for Valentine's Day? Because it was really sour.
What kind of cats like to go bowling?
Alley cats.
A vampire returned a mirror to my shop the other day. It wasn't faulty or anything, he just said he couldn't see himself using it.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
What do you call leftover lettuce?
The romaines.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have a weird axe scent.
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.
What is the definition of art theft? A: The haul of frames.
I accidently sprayed deoderant in my mouth
Now every time I speak I have a weird Axe Scent.
What do you call a dream when a vampire bat is chasing you?
A bat-mare.
The manager at the bread store told the baker that he had to stop loafing around. The baker said that it was his job.
I don’t want naan of that. Neither do I!
She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him in.
What cheese do beavers like? eDam
Do you beer-lieve in magic?
Who did the ghost take to prom? His ghoulfriend.
What do frogs drink?
Croak-a-cola.
Irish cuisine is stew-pendous.
I wasn't making enough money as a keyboard percussionist so I started moonlighting as gun salesperson.
I go from glockenspiel to Glock and spiel.
I asked my dog why he was having a bad day.
But all he said was “ruff”.
What’s a cetacean’s favorite TV show?
Whale of Fortune.