Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
Picky people pick Peter Pan Peanut-Butter, 'tis the peanut-butter picky people pick.
What do you call a little tune about atmospheric moisture?
A humi-ditty.
When you cross a camel with a cow, you will end up with a lumpy milkshake.
Why did Immanuel Kant lend his machine gun to forces plotting a military coup?
Because he willed that his Maxim could make a general rule.
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
Where do bats go to gamble?
Bat-lantic City.
If Moses were alive today, why would he be considered a remarkable man?
Because he would be several thousand years old.
Turtles love taking shell-fies.
What did the snail say as he slipped down the wall? How slime flies!
My neighbors are listening to great music.
Whether they like it or not.
What were middle-aged parents called in medieval times? Middle-aged parents.
Did you hear about the elusive skating watermelon thief? Not really, the only description they got was a Caucasian melon wheels.
What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower? Vibrato.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.
What did the florist say when it was springtime?
Business is blooming!
There’s a suspicious email going around, with the subject line “Canned meat.” Don’t open it, it’s spam!
What did the two onions who were lovers say to each other before being separated? "Our love will forever go-nion on!"
How does Bigfoot stay in shape?
It does Sas-squats.
[Chips] This is what I call a chip shot.
What do you call an owl who knows how to do magic tricks?
Hoodini.
Cold Ski Pun of the Day: I'm tired of slalom skiing. Alpine over another telemark now.
Chairlift Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, is it really windy up here, or are you just blowing me away?
What type of dog can use a phone?
A dial-matian.
Would they get two minutes for tripping?
Not if they spliff the defence.
What happened to the skier who was injured the the top of the peak?
It's been all downhill from there.
What do you call a famous turtle?
A shell-ebrity.
Deja moo:
That feeling you've heard this bull before.
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays.
Why do microwaves always mess up WiFi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
What happened when the turkey got into a fight? He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
Why are football players not allowed in bowling alleys?
After getting a strike, they spike the ball.
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
How many ants are needed to fill an apartment?
Ten-ants.
Potatoes have skin. I have skin. Ergo, I am a potato
I made a snap decision to watch football today
How does spider man always come up with such clever comebacks?
Because with great power, comes great response ability.
Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill? It ran out of juice.
I saw some leprechauns putting coins in the vending machine but in vain. They were using lepre-coins.
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
Where did the milk write everything about her life? In her dairy.
Did you hear about the mummy who goes to university? His favorite subject is Cryptography.
What’s an elephant’s secret talent?
They’re great at multi-tusking.
I took my boat out to go fishing today. I looked over and saw my neighbor’s dock was parallel to mine.
I guess I found my self in a real “para-docks”
What do runners do when they forget something?
They jog their memory!
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
Because he had a bone to pick.
That alligator took great photos, he was a bit of a snapper.
Q: What do you call a really violent fruit?
A: A peach breaker
Cows don’t make very good cops. They refuse to go on steak outs.
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs!