The judge sentenced the basketball player to life imprisonment because he shot the ball.
Why did one melon break up with the other melon?
“He didn’t know water problem was.”
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
What did the flower say when her son went off to college?
I be-leaf in you.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
Never fart in an apple store
They don't have windows.
What did ketchup say while spotting his friend at the gym?
Mustard all of your strength!
Did you expect to laugh at puns?
No, but they've groan on me!
When she spotted fake ramen in her soup, she said, “ This soup has impasta in it.”
Is it true that a dinosaur won't attack if you hold a tree branch? That depends on how fast you carry it!
The onion husband and wife had a fight, and she told him that he shouldn't have exposed all his layers because it was making her cry.
What sea creature never tells the truth
A lion fish.
I was talking to this guy about how I hate geometry. You know what he said to me.
You just have to look at it from a different angle.
When I refused to buy her concert tickets for the weekend, my 15 year old daughter broke down and threatened to cry a river.
I told her to go ahead, but remember that she's so self absorbed the tears won't even make it to her cheeks.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
The only type of cookies a cookie monster loves to eat during Halloween is Ghoul Scout Cookies.
Why are the electricians always up to date? Because they are ‘current specialists.
Which films is the car’s favourite?
WiperBlade 1, 2 and Trinity.
How do you reply to an email about someone freaking out at the Los Angeles International Airport?
Re:LAX
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position!
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese!
If you want a loyal marriage, get hitched to a basketball player. He will never pass you, rather he will keep you all to himself.
What do you call a Greek love song?
An Aphro-ditty.
What is serial killer Buffalo Bill's favorite fast food restaurant?
Chick Fillet.
What's an inmates favorite food? Cellery.
I’m Dublin down on what I said before.
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
Why was the conservative buffalo disappointed in his child?
He was a bison.
I wanted to tell a knife joke to my friend
But it just won't cut it.
Why aren’t skeletons good at poker?
You can see right through them.
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
That’s a-may-zing!
What did the guard say to stop the horse from escaping?
Halt-her!
What type of art do skeletons like?
Skulltures!
Why did the piglet yell at his sibling at the dinner table? She was hogging the food.
A Zebra said to a Lion “Let’s swap roles for a while."
The Lion said “ I’m game!”.
What did the pastry chef say when a banana cream pie he made completely satisfies a tyrannical ruler?
It hit despot.
Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race?
It ended in a tie.
Did you hear about the bank that wanted to put an ATM up a tree? If it works, they are going to expand the idea to other branches.
Did you hear about the butcher who got into danger? His life was at steak!
What do ducks watch on TV?
Duck-umentaries.
What does a horse call her best friend?
Her mane chick.
hat did the pizza slicer say when he wanted to rob the pizza?
“Hand over the dough or I’ll cut you!”
I was watching a chess champion vs a boxing champion match.
The chess player had a mean right rook!
Q. Why are big gorilla turds always so stinking tired?
A. Because they're all pooped out!
I warned farmer Brown not to pamper that cow too much because it would wind up giving spoiled milk.
What do you get when you cross a ghoul and a vampire?
A hemogoblin.
What do you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine?
A slow poke.
Why didn’t the skeleton scare the trick-or-treaters on Halloween?
He didn’t have the heart.