I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
The turtle had to cross the road in order to get to the Shell station.
I had a shell of a time when I attended the costume party as a turtle.
What do you call Chewbacca with chocolate stuck in its fur?
chocolate chip wookiee.
My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.
I wish medusa would stop objectifying people.
What does the watermelon say to its girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? – “You are one in a melon!”
Son: I was really Hungary and I ate the whole Turkey. There is only Greece left.
Me: I couldn’t Bolivia!
What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.
My history teacher was talking about mythical medieval creatures
Personally, I think the lecture was starting to drag on
Why do girl ghosts go on diets? So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
What happens to great actors? They get nominated for an a-cat-emy award!
Why don’t most restaurants serve giraffe?
Because it’s a tall order.
What does an anteater like on its pizza?
Ant-chovies.
The last ten times I’ve been to a fancy dress party, I’ve gone as a shark.
The joke’s wearing fin.
I'm investigating the tooth fairy, and it's going well...
I've managed to get a molar into her operation. I'm going to find out the tooth at the root of all this.
I really like corn, but I can't find it because this time of year it's never in stalk
The ghoul didn't get his letter on time because it got lost at the ghost office.
Where do kangaroos like to eat?
At IHOP.
I know a pea that's a famous singer. He's a VIP.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.”
What do you call a paper plane that doesn't fly ?
Stationary.
What did the mushroom say after the car accident? Help I’m a truffle!
Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam's banana.
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs.
I used to be addicted to time travel,
but that's all in the past now.
I was sitting in the toilet at Taco Bell and it reminded me of my divorce.
It was extremely messy and involved a lot of paperwork.
An actor I know fell through the floor recently. It's just a stage he was going through.
I was really surprised when I learned that singer Pink's favorite color was actually green. No one could have i-magenta-it.
Which genre of music appeals to most cheeses? R'n'Brie
Red wasn't feeling very well for the past few weeks. He has been diagnosed with scarlet fever.
You spilled your entire cup of coffee? What's sumatra with you?
What do you get when you cross a fridge with a radio? Cool Music
Did Dick Pickens prick his pinkie pickling cheap cling peaches in an inch of Pinch or framing his famed French finch photos?
What did the watermelon wife say to his stinky husband? You’ve got a strange smelon you today.
What did the Papa Blanket say to the Mama Blanket when the Baby Blanket was crying?
Comforter.
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
What’s the sequel to that?
Fuller mouse!
Don’t be hay-tin on autumn!
Q: What’s the fastest way to make a skeleton?
A: Put a leper in a wind tunnel
Why did the burglar break into the bakery?
Because he heard the cakes were rich.
What did the introverted pig say when asked why they don’t like socializing? “I’m not a people porcine.”
What do France and a pigeon have in common?
Every 5 minutes, there is a coo.
I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
What do dinosaurs put on their pizza? Tomato-saurus
How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? Down in the mouth.
Why are cedars so hard to get along with? They suffer from bigo-tree and ex-tree-mism.
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate, the greedy ape said as he ate: The greener green grapes are, the keener keen apes are to gobble green grape cakes. They’re great!
You really gotta hand it to short people, because they can't reach it on their own.
What kind of salad do termites eat?
House salad
Where do horses buy groceries?
Whinny-Dixie.