How do you know a car is a good price?
If it is a Ford-able.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked!
A person without arms and a knife in their mouth is still technically armed,
but only to the teeth.
How do you celebrate orange drink that doesn't expire?
Woo! Tang is forever!
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
I heard Medusa looked really pretty.
In fact, her looks were stunning.
What’s the difference between a horse and wet weather?
One reigns up and the other rains down.
Why do dogs run in circles?
Because it’s hard to run in a square.
What happened to the criminal magician who ate to much salt?
Cardiac arrest.
Ingenious iguanas improvising an intricate impromptu on impossibly-impractical instruments.
Why was the dog chasing his own tail?
Because he was trying to make both ends meet.
Did you hear about the person who watched too many Shrek movies?
He ogre-dosed.
What do get if you cross a duck and Santa? A Christmas Quacker.
What do fashionable mountains wear when it's cold? An ice cap.
If you golf on election day…
Be sure to cast an absent-tee ballot.
What do you get when you mix a sheep and a kangaroo
A wooly jumper
What does a trumpet and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
What kind of candy never arrives on time? Chocolate
What’s a hen’s favorite type of movie?
A chick flick.
What do you call a titan that can't swim?
Titanic.
Silly Sally swiftly shooed seven silly sheep. The seven silly sheep Silly Sally shooed shilly-shallied south. These sheep shouldn’t sleep in a shack; sheep should sleep in a shed.
What do you call a t-shirt with cut off arms?
An amputee.
Why does the horse go to school?
It brings her fulfillyment.
How do you hold a bat?
By the wings.
It is October and there are still leaves on trees. I am very corn-fused!
You know what’s odd?
Every other number.
Be careful! Theres a deadly fruit on the loose
He has 7 charges of armed Strawbbery.
Which films is the car’s favourite?
WiperBlade 1, 2 and Trinity.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, want me to jump off this chairlift for you? 'Cause I think I could fall for you.
Why do piglets take home economics in school? To learn how to sow.
What do we call a flock of sheep that tumbles down a mountain? They are called a lamb-slide.
If you get an email about pork salt and fat, don't open it.
It's Spam.
The mountain got promoted because he was at the peak of his career!
How do you measure a mosquito’s harddrive?
With bug bytes.
when I smelled breakfast in the morning it was bacon me eggcited.
Q: Did you hear about the pea that changed careers?
A: He went into a different field!
What do you get when you cross a vampire with an ice cube?
You end up with frost bite.
Police are appealing to the man who stole all the soap from the supermarket
To come clean
Keep calm and carrot on.
What is it called when you're singing in the shower and shampoo gets in your mouth?
A soap opera.
It’s a beautiful Degas!
One of the most courageous souls in the world is anybody who looks at a pineapple and thinks that “I bet I would eat it.”
Can birds sell cereal to children?
I don't know if one can, but toucan.
Once you've seen one Lion eat a Giraffe...
You've seen a maul!
What did the corn farmer give to his therapist?
An ear full.
Who wrote the book "Great Egg-spectations"?
Charles Chickens.
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Quackula.
Kindly kittens knitting mittens keep kazooing in the king’s kitchen.
There's now a vaccine to make you better at geometry.
It's called Pythagorean Serum.
"You're totally scrambling my brain."