How can you tell that it’s Ronald McDonald at a nude beach?
Because he has sesame seed buns.
What do polite whales always say?
You’re whale-come.
I was just looking at my ceiling. I am not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world, but it’s definitely up there.
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
How does one raindrop ask another out? Water you doing tonight?
How did Henry VIII like his coffee? Decap.
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.
What kind of music do goats listen to?
Baaa-ch!
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb? He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.”
What did the banana do when it saw a gorilla? The banana split.
Why do dinosaurs eat their food raw? Cause they don't know how to cook
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
What martial art do monkeys practice?
Flung Poo.
What do you call a girl who is standing directly in the middle of the court? Annette.
They fired the loaf of bread from her job. They say that she kept breaking down and would rye on the job.
What do you call it when you plant a tree at each corner of a house?
A fourest.
A good friend of mine fell into a vaporiser and died.
She is sadly mist.
Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water?
They set a new lap record.
Drink happy thoughts.
Spending time at the pool really floats my boat.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A piiig!
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
I hear there's a new COVID-19 vaccine delivered via an audio interface as music.
It is hoped that this will lead to heard immunity.
The medieval ages were technologically advanced. Take, for example, the guillotine, it was such cutting-edge technology.
What do you get if you cross a bat with a ball?
A home run.
Sherlock Holmes enters a room carrying a box of lemons
"Where'd you get those?" asks Watson.
"A lemon tree, my dear Watson. A lemon tree."
What do we call a chicken inside a hot tub? – It is called soup.
What did Darth Vader tell the geologist?
May the quartz be with you!
What do athletes drink before games? Sport-Tea.
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.
How do you prepare a Gorilla sundae? Your start getting it ready Fridae and Saturdae!
I've just been sacked from my job as a prophet..
I didn't see that coming.
What is a popular videogame for young utensils?
Fork Knife.
Why are there fish at the bottom of the sea?
Because they dropped out of school.
Where do parrots get away on holiday? To the beak!
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
You must be a geologist because you rock my world.
Why did the skeleton want to join band?
He wanted a trom-bone!
Did you hear about the crime family that took over the wine importing business?
They call themselves the Sip-ranos!
What type of pants do rain clouds wear? Thunderwear.
What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Icebergers!
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
What do witches put on their bagels?
Scream cheese.
Why did the nut go to the bank?
To cashew its check.
What do you call a sleeping werewolf?
An unaware-wolf.
What’s an elephant’s secret talent?
They’re great at multi-tusking.
I'm not the fig plucker,
nor the fig plucker's son,
but I'll pluck figs
till the fig plucker comes.
When the moisture from the sky stops falling
It really stops waning
A man meets a fairy.
"I grant you 2 wishes" , says the fairy.
"I want a bottle of beer that never gets empty" , says the man.
He starts to drink. After two minutes he stops drinking and the bottle is still full.
"And youre second wish?" the fairy asks.
"Another one of those."