What do you call an East-European cosmetic?
Nail Polish.
In Mexico, truck drivers always keep a wheel of cheese in their cabs. Apparently this is in queso emergencies.
Cutest clover in the patch.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
The innocent blueberry got easily framed for the crime because the evidence was a strawberry plant.
How does a computer learn something new?
Bit by bit.
Why do grizzlies never look sad?
Because whenever there’s a problem, they just grin and bear it.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
What weighs 800 pounds and sticks to the roof of your mouth ? A peanut butter and Stegosaurus sandwich!
What’s black and white, has four legs and a trunk?
Two pandas on holiday.
Tropic like it's hot.
What's a cow's favorite moosical note? Beef-flat
Sorry, I'm octopied.
A man is wanted for stealing tires off of cop cars.
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with a python? A 15 foot strip light that can strangle you to death.
Shake it like a pole-oriod picture.
I knew a submarine sailor who wasn't very talkative or energetic
He was a subdued sub dude.
Q. Where do red, orange, yellow, green, blue and violet crayons like to go hiking?
A. Colorado.
What's an astronaut's favorite meat? Launch meat!
How did the turkey win the talent show? With his drum-sticks.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
Q: What is a wind turbine’s favorite musical group?
A: Air Supply
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
Have you heard what happened to unemployed perfume makers?
They are not making any scents.
You hear about the werewolf who majored in philosophy?
Now he's a whywolf
Mum, you are my soup-er star.
Why didn't the artist replace his kitchen sink? Because he said that if it's not baroque, don't fix it.
What do you call two kangaroos who live together?
Roo-mates.
Why do seals have trouble eating bread?
Because they're seal-iacs.
What did his wife give the guy when he came home all sweaty from his run?
The stink eye.
What is a cannibal's favourite cheese? Limburger
I go through so much shampoo it's just ridiculous!
I don't know, maybe my head is bigger than most but it does say to use a cap full.
Why can’t minerals ever lie?
They’re always in their pure form.
Did you hear about the pig that ran the Post Office?
He was the first Porkmaster General.
It's really easy to learn white water kayaking
You just go with the flow.
Where do point guards take their dates to party after the game?
To a basket ball.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
Today I learned that a giraffe’s neck is so strong a human can climb up it.
Also, I got banned from my local zoo.
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
What would a self deprecating wardrobe say?
"I hate my-shelf"
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
I'm snow bored.
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest...
For I have synonymed.
49. What does a child car play with?
Toy-otas.
What do you call a distant shower sponge?
Aloofah.
I whale always love you.
Does all this rain make you want an ark?
I Noah guy.
I built an electric fence around my property yesterday.
My neighbor is dead against it.
What’s the difference between a crow and a chicken?
A chicken can crow, but a crow can’t chicken.