Who called it a goat petting zoo...
and not Close Encounters of the Herd Kind?
Archeologists discovered an ancient Egyptian tomb that was dedicated solely to women.
At least that's what they concluded as it was full of Mummys.
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
My leaf blower doesn’t work.
It just sucks!
Opposing coaches facing the Leafs in the 60s and 70s knew that Dave was the
one to Keon.
What Twix do you have up your sleeve that makes me love you?
I had a real problem when your mom got rid of that crooked chair my dad made.
I don't know why, it just never sat right with me.
Did you hear about the chicken who could only lay eggs in the winter?
She was no spring chicken.
I saw a really cool kangaroo the other day
It had a hip hop
Who do elephants get their Christmas presents from?
Elephanta Claus.
Why did one melon break up with the other melon?
“He didn’t know water problem was.”
What falls in the winter but never gets hurt?
Snow.
How is Big Foot so good at rock climbing?
He always finds the biggest footholds.
Who was the greatest dog detective?
Sherlock Bones.
What streets do zombies live on?
Dead ends.
I lost one pea from my plate at dinner the other day. It was an escape-pea.
The winds of change started raining silver, copper, and gold coins.
What is the most disgusting perfume ever made?
Eau de colon.
All potato puns are pomme de terrible.
It’s time to think outside the pizza box.
What do you call an artist without a palette? Someone who makes paintings without taste.
Did you hear the one about the Troll who tried to pay for dinner with a gnome? He came up short on the bill.
Why did the bald man decide to paint a bunch of rabbits on his head? He thought that they could look like hares from a distance.
When life gives you mold - make penicillin.
Fall leaves whenever winter knocks on the door.
What did the lightning say to the fireworks?
"Hey! You stole my thunder."
Why did the other volleyball team bow? Because they heard that the queens of the court were there.
Which mammal absolutely loves Merlot and Cabernet?
The Wineoceros.
Why did the fish blush?
Because it saw the ocean's bottom.
Trumpester: Did you hear my last recital? Friend: I hope so.
What do you call a food stamp inside of a burrito? An otter fortune cookie
Q. What do you get if you cross a gorilla with a grizzly bear?
A. Fired from the zoo.
Who is Frosty’s favorite Aunt?
Aunt Artica!
Never forget how beautiful the mountains are. You don't want to take them for granite.
Children with only a mother make horrible programmers
Theres always missing parent.
My wife told my four year old daughter that she couldn’t use her plastic IKEA knife to slice mangos.
I said “Yeah kid, that’s just not going to cut it.”
A thesaurus' favorite thing to eat for breakfast is a synonym roll.
How did the realtor compliment his wife?
He said, “Real estate values will go up and down, but you will remain beautiful forever.”
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
What’s the opposite of Easter?
Wester
Why are trees such great thieves? They really have sticky fingers.
What do you call an onion that is very valuable to jewelers? You call it a pearl onion.
What happens if you listen to metal too loudly?
You become Megadeaf
Your presents is requested.
What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak? Mouse code!
Why was the penguin a good race car driver?
He always started in pole position.
Where do hippos go to university? Hippocampus.
Why didn’t the teddy bear want any dessert?
He was already stuffed.
Why did the skeleton cross the road?
To get to the body shop.
He threw three free throws.