Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
With a calendar, your days are numbered.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
Scrambled eggs are similar to a losing basketball team because both are beaten.
What type of dog chases anything red?
A bull dog.
My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.
"That s**t is getting old," I told him.
Why don't gnomes tell secrets in the garden?
Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears. Plus, the beanstalk!
I'll open fire on anyone who says video games make children violent!
Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
What is the favorite sport for the young bass? It is the bass get ball.
The girlfriend said she had to go file her nail because it was bothering her.
I asked, "Would that go under N for nail? Or M for Manicure?"
Why is research more trustworthy if it comes from France?
It's Pierre-reviewed.
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.
Did you hear about the butcher who got into danger? His life was at steak!
Why did the submarine driver lose his job
Old, racist tweets resurfaced
Why did the origami artist win her court case? She was great at doing the paperwork.
My job installed this new faucet.
I'm really faucinated by it.
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
The only difference between a band teacher and a banned teacher
is what they were bangin
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite holiday?
A. Ape-ril Fools Day!
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!
Writers have great climaxes.
Paleontologists found the world's oldest toothbrush.
They believe it came from the Flossiraptor.
The best place to search for information about witches is wicca-pedia.
A man entered his house and was absolutely delighted when he discovered someone had stolen every lamp in his house.
What do you get when if you cross a potato and the terminator?
A termitator.
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
Have you heard about Amazon’s plan to make intercontinental shipments using electric submarine drones?
They’re projecting a large increase in e-fish-in-sea.
When Miss Acid told her husband, Mr Alkali, she was pregnant...
He exploded with anger.
It wasn't the reaction she was hoping for.
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
I'm currently dating a famous soccer player. He's so loving and caring towards me.
He's a keeper.
Why did the Easter Bunny have to leave school?
He was eggspelled.
Did you hear the gardener's joke about the old oak tree?
It's acorny one!
How one snowman greets the other one?
Ice to meet you.
Hey why Are The Viruses All Gone? Cause They "flu" AWAY.
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
What happens after you eat an entire gallon of "All Natural" ice cream? You get Breyer's remorse!
What dinosaur is always sad? Cryalotosaurus
Why was a realtor amused by solving a house jigsaw puzzle in just five weeks?
The box read for 10-14 years!
What is the chemical formula for the molecules in candy? Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
What is the correct answer to Hummus?
A cow.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!
The plural of mango should be changed to mengo
How do astronauts like to eat their ice cream?
Floats.
A loyal warrior will rarely worry why we rule.