What happens before it rains candy? It sprinkles.
What’s the name of the rabbit who stole from the rich and gave to the poor? Rabbit Hood.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
Son: does Easter Bunny set out 12 eggs in the field to search for?
Dad: no he dozen’t.
What do planets like to read?
Comet books.
What do Spanish speaking people prefer to travel in groups of 2 or 4?
No tres-passing.
Where do crows go to get educated?
CAWlege
What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes?
Ant-ten-eye.
You’re brew-tiful!
A stoner, a Jedi and a surgeon walk into a bar.
Blunt force trauma.
Q: Did you hear about the cherry that liked to explode?
A: It was da’ bomb.
I was recently fired from my job operating rides at the carnival
My lawyer has advised suing for funfair dismissal.
How do you keep the snow from giving you cold feet?
Don’t go around BRRfooted!
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
Having chicken broth before the game was a sure shot way to maintain energy for the Soup-er Bowl.
An electrocuted turtle feels shell-shocked.
What eats laptops? Computer worms.
What type of weapon can you make with potassium, iron and nickel? A KniFe.
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap? It was always on shale.
I allow myself only one donut per year.
This morning I had 433 B.C., 1731, and 1952.
What did the right hemisphere say to the left hemisphere when they could not agree on anything?
Let's split.
How does a Ghost say good-bye? - I can’t wait to seance you again.
What's the sketchiest button combo on a computer keyboard?
Shift + T
Why is Frankenstein always asking for help?
He’s looking for someone to give him a hand.
I had to unclog my sink today.
I found it to be very draining.
Where does a Portuguese skeleton live?
Lis-bone
In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad.
I guess it will be 5050.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!
What would the Egyptian doctor tell to the wife of the Egyptian Pharaoh? He said that she was going to become a mummy.
The guy nearly saw a murder when he almost ran over his car over a couple of crows.
What do you call a potato at a football game? A spec-tater.
Building Inspectors should be stricter in Pisa, Italy.
Since they are a bit too *lean*ient.
What’s the best thing to put in a donut?
Your teeth.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
A con artist tried to convince me he could ejaculate deli meat
What a load of bologna.
How do you get down from a tree? You can’t because down comes from ducks.
What did the arirst say to his friend who was stressed? Don't worry, paintbrush it off.
If a goat grows a beard, is it a goatee?
What fish perform at the circus?
Clown fish!
If you do bowling and for some reason you can’t hear a pin drop, something could be wrong with your bowling.
Have your elf a merry little Christmas.
I decided to switch to a knife to preserve my ammo.
The guys at Laser Tag started freaking out though.
You mermake me happy.
Where do brains go for vacation in Massachusetts?
Braintree, MA
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
I went to the hospital for chest pains but the doctor kept inspecting my spine.
This place is back wards.
Once you've seen one Lion eat a Giraffe...
You've seen a maul!
What did the witch say when the door-to-door broom salesman showed her a vacuum.
I don't want an automatic. I want a stick shift!
Beavers enjoy being in the company of a river because they go with the flow.