What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.
How did the charger get rich?
He made a killing in the shock market.
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist when they go to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate, the greedy ape said as he ate: The greener green grapes are, the keener keen apes are to gobble green grape cakes. They’re great!
Who was the fastest runner in the race?
Adam, because he was first in the human race.
I saw a sign on the bus the other day.
It said "please give this seat to the elderly."
So I ripped it out and took it home for my grandad
How do the New England Patriots eat their soup? In a Super Bowl.
Does a water bed become bouncier when you fill it up with spring water?
How do you catch a rich squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a cashew.
Did you hear the gossip about the owl who hooked up with his boss?
I won’t tell you hoo.
Did you hear the one about the Troll who tried to pay for dinner with a gnome? He came up short on the bill.
Why do comedians hate telling jokes at zombie night?
All they hear is groans.
What kind of cheese do rodents like? Mousearella.
Q: Why did the beaver need an alarm clock?
A: It was to dam early.
Why was the mother rattlesnake sad?
The time had come for her children to strike out on their own.
My brother was trampled to death by a flock of sheep.
May he rest in fleece.
What it is it called if you refuse to go running today?
Resistance Training!
I'm so glad our Billy inherited his mother's intelligence
...and I got to keep mine.
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
Name a rock group where none of the members sings or plays music.
Mt. Rushmore!
Tesla just announced they’ll be including a bottle of their new cologne now with every car sold
It’s called Elon’s Musk
What did the disappointed deer say? Oh deer!
What do bees call wasps?
Wanna-bees.
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
A strawberry's favorite celebrity is Mary Berry.
Oh autumn, please don't ever leaf me again.
I just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.
he's just going through a rough patch.
Can’t pinch this.
What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?
"I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond."
What does a horse do when it smells rotten seafood?
It scallops outta there.
Why did the duck cross the road?
He was tied to the chicken.
We like rough sets. As long as you practice safe sets, there isn’t a problem.
I once dreamt of crossing a wide river...
But it ended up being just a ferry tale.
How does a penguin get around?
By icicle.
“Santa’s beard is so long because he’s bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?”
What do you call a hairy monster that lives by a dam?
A weir-wolf.
Did you hear about the Owl that could play American football?
It was a superb_owl.
What kind of horse does a ghost ride? A nightmare.
My Asian neighbor owns a T-shirt company where he colors white shirts. I think it's a Thai Dye T-shirt company.
Why was the coffee-shop worker fired? He kept showing up in a Tea-shirt.
"What an egg-citing day."
A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.
"Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?" she asks.
"No thanks, I'm stuffed."
Sometimes, all you need is to shake a few trees to find the perfect peach for you.
What’s the name of the gardener’s favorite show? Lawn and order.
What did one lightbulb say to the other lightbulb on Valentine’s Day?
I love you watts.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
A cross-eyed teacher can't control his pupils.
How do tigers like their cheese?
Grrrrreated
I’ll try to keep it brief, but I have so much to Marseilles about France.