Why don't gnomes tell secrets in the garden?
Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears. Plus, the beanstalk!
“What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve!”
Why was the penguin popular?
Because he was an ice guy.
I found out yesterday that the Mexican dish ghosts like the most is a boo-ritto.
What's green and got two wheels?
A motorpickle.
Softball is just like baseball
Except the tactics seem more underhanded.
I tried to phone the spiritual leader of Tibet once, but I was sent a big goat with a long neck instead.
I must have phoned Dial-a-Llama by mistake.
When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo,
I had to put my foot down.
What did the dolphin say when it broke its neighbor’s window?
It wasn’t on porpoise!
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
What does the winged horse do after it goes to the bathroom?
Pegaflushes.
They say that the cardio system is the work of artery, but it is really just vein.
Flying for long distances is very Boeing at times
What’s green and hangs from trees?
Giraffe snot.
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
What do pig’s use as soap? Hogwash.
What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 200 years
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
No thanks, I prefer walnuts.
[Chips] This is what I call a chip shot.
What did the carrot say to the rabbit? Do you want to grab a bite?
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
What game do bats like to play with birds?
Bat-mington.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
What do we get when we cross a pineapple and a pig? We have a porky – pine!
Several epidemics throughout history have many similarities in characteristics.
For example, many diseases evolved from poor hygiene between animals and humans and a rise in urban population and interregional communication. Many had very similar effects and modes of transmission.
Because of the similarities, many historians are looking into allegations of these diseases stealing each other's methods, committing plague-iarism.
I was testing the speaker phone on the intercom on our landline with my father yesterday.
It started to make that annoying noise. My old man said it was too close to call.
How do you get yarn out of a snake?
Wait until it sheds its skein.
What happens when you run in front of a bus?
You get tired.
What happens when you run behind a bus?
You get exhausted.
Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.
If you have a line of 100 rabbits in a row and 99 of them take 1 step backwards, what do you have? A receding hare line.
The arrogant baker declared, “You’ll never hear a complaint about my doughnuts outside this shop window.”
The customer agreed, “It must be the double glazing.”
Walked into a restroom and saw an "Out of order" sign on a urinal.
It's going to be tough to move all these urinals to get them back in the right order....
I really hate rock puns.
My sediments exactly.
What happened to the pineapple who was turned down for a date? Crushed pineapple.
What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
You should dress up warm in the Andes. That place is Chile.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
What do you call the shirt a neurosurgeon wears to every brain surgery?
His specialty.
My mom is really soup-rised at the outcome when she puts yeast in the broth.
What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, "Just do the deed."
Why shouldn't you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
What happens when a neurotransmitter falls in love with a receptor?
You get a binding relationship.
I went to the costume party as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
You can donate blood to me anytime since you’re just my type.
Why did the bear dissolve in water?
It was polar.
What is it called when a witch only casts spells that rhyme?
Poetry in Potion.
In the history of bowling, there is one bowler who floats like a butterfly and stings pretty much like a bee. His name is Muhammad Alley.
I broke both my legs yesterday and now I have to use a wheelchair
I really can’t stand my situation right now.
Why was Frankenstein’s monster always being arrested?
He was so easy to charge.
Onions are great at being psychologists as they let people cry their hearts out in front of them.