Don't you just hate it when it's 212 degrees outside? It really just makes my blood boil.
What happened when the turkey got into a fight? He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
A star athlete in Koalaville got kicked off the Olympic team for cheating. Unfortunately, he was diskoalafied.
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
What did the icy road say to the car?
“Want to go for a spin?”
How did the skeleton know the other skeleton was lying?
He could see right through him.
What kind of musical instrument do mice play?
A mouse organ!
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
What did the tree do when it found that the bank had closed? It starts a new branch.
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
His chest.
My trucker friend was super excited about his new house. I asked him why, and he told me it had a really long haul way.
I'm starting a death metal band for people with Celiac's Disease
We're called "Gluten for Punishment."
Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrush’s throat.
A security guard at an airport informs the pilot of a man trying to sneak contraband onto an airplane.
The pilot responds, "That's not going to fly."
What's as big as a dinosaur but weighs nothing? Her shadow!
What can one parrot do?
Not as much as toucan.
Why don’t Native Americans like to do rain dances in April anymore?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers.
Why did the peach think he was a pear for a while? He was feeling awfully green at first, but eventually his face became red.
The shark and the computer are so alike. They both have and use their megabytes.
Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.
Stayed in a posh hotel with towels so thick I could barely shut my suitcase.
What’s a potatoes favorite horror movie? The Silence of the Yams.
Did you know there is a new horse species with one eye and a horn?
It's called a unicornea.
The wind is following a new workout program. It’s called air conditioning.
Ciabatta stay away from me because I don’t want naan of that. That’s one way to tell someone to keep away.
I hate dentists.
Bad oral hygiene can cause so many bad things in your mouth, yet they tell you to brush it off.
What did the librarian say to the beaver who wanted to read a help book? You can try by-rowing it.
What did the blind man say after being handed a cheese grater? "That's the most violent book I've ever read."
I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears, what am I?
Ugly.
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
A dung beetle spent an entire day rolling a ball of dung up a hill, only to have it fall down to the other side...
Needless to say, he lost his sh*t.
What did Archimedes's girlfriend told him when he hadn't taken bath for several days?
Eu-reek-a
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.
Checked into a hotel and was offered the black & white or the rainbow room. I chose the rainbow one as I like a room with a hue.
How do horses show gratitude?
Flank you very much.
It was pretty foggy outside today.
I shot an arrow in the air, and it stuck.
Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.
Where did the mermaid go on a date?
She was catching a movie at the dive-in.
What problem do you encounter with twin witches?
You can never tell which is witch.
What did the disappointed deer say? Oh deer!
Baby seal walks into a club...
Years later he would sing A kiss from a rose in the same club.
What’s the only type of melon that changes colours at will? Well, a chamelon.
"How much did you have to drink?"
"About a birds worth."
"What?"
"You know, toucans."
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
I’m a clover, not a fighter.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite type of music?
R n’ Brie.
Do you know what the favourite soup of a ghost is? It is the Scream of Broccoli.
What do skeletons hate the most about the wind?
Nothing. It goes right through them.
A guy wearing a suit and tie walks into a bar with an alligator…
He walks up to the bartender and asks, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
“Yes sir, we do,” says the bartender.
The guy smiles and says, “Great. Then I’ll have a beer, and my ‘gator will have a lawyer.”
How does the Easter Bunny stay fit?
Egg ercise.