Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
I accidentally mixed up the words 'Jacuzzi' and 'Yakuza' online.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
Why are eyes always the last organ harvested?
because they dilate.
There’s two balloons in the desert. One says look out for that cactus!
The other goes What Cactussssss...
What do you call a bee that makes a milk?
Boo-bee
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
What is a con artist's truck towed with?
A pickup line
Summer is just floating by.
Why do people in Greece not wake up until noon?
Because Dawn is tough on greece.
What do you call a pig with no legs?
A groundhog.
What is the difference between a deer running away and a small witch?
One is a hunted stag and one is a stunted hag!
What did one cheddar cheese say to the other cheddar cheese at prom?
Looking sharp!
Why did I start making a cherry pie? Bake-cause I love it.
What was the conversation like at the dinner party with all the boring flowers?
Like pollen teeth.
Q: Why did the wind turbine blush?
A. It broke wind.
A magnetic strawberry is always red and points north.
What problem do you encounter with twin witches?
You can never tell which is witch.
I'm having mixed feelings about being a Michael Jackson impersonator.
On one hand, you get to wear a cool white glove.
On the other hand, you don't.
What do you call a cat that was caught by the police? The purr-petrator.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
What time do werewolf Cowboys have a shootout?
High Moon!
Beach you to it.
How did the rabbit become a wrestling champion? It had a lot of hare pins!
What do you call it when a cardiology student flunks out?
Heart failure.
What’s black, dangerous and hides in trees?
A crow with a machine gun.
Why do pandas like old movies?
Because they’re in black and white.
An idea is one of the worst killers of vampires. They don't see it coming, and then it dawns on them.
What do you call a small Subaru car covered in road salt?
An Impretzel!
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
How do you get a raise at the bread factory?
Butter up your boss.
Where do the monkeys melt their cheese?
Under the gorilla.
I studied archeology
Now my life is in ruins.
Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?
He played his heart out.
Sometimes you have to green and bear it.
What is a computer's favorite animal?
A RAM.
Have you heard the new song from the band that entirely consists of vegetables?
It’s a master peas.
I’m a small Irish creature who has been diagnosed with a serious sickness. It’s Leprechronic.
Why do baby seals swim in salt water? Cause pepper water makes them sneeze.
I am on the train and a light just came on saying the toilet is engaged.
Congratulations, toilet!
What’s the best meal to eat in an igloo?
Brr-eakfast!
What did the drug diller say to the duck?
Are you on quack?
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
Why do gnomes make such great secretaries?
Because they’re good at shorthand.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
What do cats do after watching a play? Give a round of a-paws.
What did the Japanese skeleton put in his sushi?
Bone-ito flakes.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
I'm going to tell you all a story about strawberries.....
Once a punnet time....