People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
Are beavers the best builders in the animal kingdom? Dam right they are.
A ghost's favourite pie flavour is boo-berry.
Do you think you know more parrot jokes than me? Toucan play that game!
I put some salt on my mobile. Now it’s a saxaphone.
To the person who invented zero...
Thanks for nothing.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
Werewolves love similes and metafurs.
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
Did you know that a Squid’s esophagus goes through its brain?
Food for thought, isn’t it?
What did the conductor say when he became a zombie?
Traaaaaaaaiiiinsss!!!
The watermelon thief was charged with robbery with violence, but the judge later changed that to a minor felony; or melony as he put it.
Susie works in a shoeshine shop. Where she shines she sits, and where she sits she shines.
Why was the well done steak a terrible gossip? It wasn't juicy enough!
I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day
What do you do when you try to bake a cherry pie for the first time and it doesn't turn out so well? Just wait for the second bite of the cherry.
How do you make dog bread?
Just use collie flour.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
We like rough sets. As long as you practice safe sets, there isn’t a problem.
Need an ark?
I noah guy.
How does a monster flush the toilet?
It doesn't, it scares the living sh** out of it.
What has ears but cannot hear?
A field of corn.
Why was the bus musician so excited? He just got a 'ride-ing' ovation!
What do you call the king of vegetables? Elvis Parsley.
How do French skeletons say hello?
- Bone-jour!
o my friend Justin was late for the football game.
But that’s okay because he arrived Justin time for kickoff.
Why did black chocolate cry over his wine glass?
Because it was his bitter half.
How do you beat a robot in a fist fight
Socket in the jaw.
Even though Jake was a heartthrob Casanova, he just had to break up with his long-time watermelon vending girlfriend; said she was always melondramatic about everything.
A famous turtle is called a shell-ebrity.
What is a cow’s favorite lunch meat?
Bullogna.
Where do folks from Bilbao, Spain buy outdoor equipment?
The Basque Pro Shop.
Thieves broke into my house and stole everything but my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant...
Dirty Bastards.
Q. Which kind of cheese is made fom deer milk?
A. Moose-erella.
If you don’t have a lot of figurines from Ancient Greek mythology, I can give you a mini tour.
An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
I’ve found that dressing up like this has truly been an en-witching experience.
What did the salt say after it was pepper-sprayed?
That's nothing to sneeze at.
What do you think holds the moon up? Moonbeams.
Whenever I’m in France I always start the day with a bowl of mushrooms...
Breakfast of champinions
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
The painter did not want to sit idle because he knew that time white for no one.
When we put our two hearts together, we can’t be beat.
Let’s make some pour decisions.
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
The other day a tree asked for my help with kindling a grass route movement.
I said I wood because it's got a lot growing for it.
During a family discussion, my father said that grass is not greener than other plants. No one should make a biased grass-umption like that.