Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position!
The directions for my new dandruff shampoo are very confusing.
It's a real head-scratcher!
My son asked me, what’s a Greek urn?
I said, “about 20 drachmas a day.”
Did you hear about the misguided unicorn lumberjack who was killing humans? He believed he was doing random axe of kindness.
It’s common for people with heartbreaks to crumble.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
I dropped my steak into the fire.
Well done, me, well done.
I had a salad pun, but I tossed it
What’s a deer’s go-to ice cream flavor?
Cookie-doe.
A lion would never cheat on its wife.
But a Tiger wood.
What’s the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?
Seasoning.
What time does the Wicked Witch have her clocks set to?
Greenwitch Mean Time.
What do birds like to put in their soup? Crow-tons.
Why do zebras have stripes?
Because they don't want to be spotted.
I am a peach, and when my husband accompanies me, we are a pear.
What do you call an outlaw goat?
Billy the Kid.
What did one python say to the other before they made a deal?
Let’s “snake” on it.
What side of the tree contains the most leaves? The outside, of course.
What do rabbits say before they eat? Lettuce pray.
What do you call a happy rabbit? An Hop-timist.
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick....
She still isn't talking to me.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
Feeling cold? Go stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.
Why did the skier from Helsinki dominate the downhill slalom competition?
He led the race from start to Finnish.
Wayne went to Wales to watch walruses.
Why did the T-Rex cross the road?
Because the chicken hadn’t evolved yet.
General: "Fire at will!"
Soldier: "Which one's Will?"
Why did Moses cross the Red Sea?
To get to the other side.
What do skeletons complain about?
Aching bones.
What do you get when you cross a cow and an earthquake?
Milkshake.
What do you call babies with guns?
Infantry.
Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving? The turkey because he's already stuffed!
What kind of car does an electrician drive? A Volts-wagon.”
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea
An Indonesian Giant stubbed his foot on a volcano...
- Did he Krakatoa?
What did the father buffalo say to his kid when he left for college?
Bi son!
What is a skeleton’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone.
Why did they let the turkey join the band? Because he had the drumsticks
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
What do you call an ear with no eyes
No-eyed ear
What is a zombie’s favorite shampoo?
Head & Shoulders.
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
I am disappointed that you are taking such a closed-stance on my footwork advice.
Milk is the fastest drink on the planet. It's pasteurized before you even see it.
There is a German shepherd next door that keeps burying bones in my yard and taking poops on my flower bed.
His dog is not as bad.
What holiday do bats love best?
St. Bat-rich’s Day.
Do you know how to dunk cookies? Ask a basketball chef.
I had a jaw-dropping experience.
Sadly, it was radium poisoning.