What did the mother brain say to her oldest child when it was bothering her youngest child?
It didn't want to get brain-washed.
My son was injected with poisoned blood from a person from Finland
He said "I am finnished."
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
What is the the chemical formulation for candy molecules? Carbon, Holmium, Cobalt, Lanthanum, Tellerium—or ChoCoLaTe.
What do you call a snowman on rollerblades?
A snowmobile.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I'd like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
What type of cat belongs to the baker? One that’s pure-bread
Q: What do tigers and computers have in common?
A: They both have mega bites.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
Eat, drink and be rosemary.
What did the happy realtor say to his client after making the deal?
He said, "Well, all's well that dwells well."
My friend was killed by a 2 ton sack of falling chickpeas
The police verdict? Hummuscide.
People call my obsession with the afterlife, suicidal. Truth be told,
I'm dying to find out if there is life after death.
A man struggled to cut up his dinner. His wife asked, “what’s wrong, hunny?” The man sighed, and said:
“This knife just isn’t gonna cut it.”
Q: Why was the cloud not allowed to cross the border?
A: Because it was a for-rainer
How do tigers like their cheese?
Grrrrreated
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are on the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
I might have some trouble getting hard, I just got laid this morning!
Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head? Because from a distance they looked like hares!
How did the roommate who stole the last avocado from the fruit bowl justify her thievery?
“I know it’s wrong, but it feels so ripe!”
My wife asked if I'd be available to drain some vegetables next week.
I said I'd check my colander.
How did Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code
Why did the tooth see a therapist?
To get to the root of their problems.
I never knew how lightning worked
Thats until it finally struck me.
Where do elves go to get famous?
Holly-wood.
I can't get my wife to try Mediterranean food.
She doesn't like hummus, which is a naan-starter.
Why do Pencils shave?
To look sharp.
Why did the football coach attempt to destroy the vending machine?
Cuz it wouldn't give him his quarterback.
The pot of coffee he just made is basically break fluid.
Did you see that movie about King Kong, the giant ape?
The plot was pretty bananas.
What’s Irish and stays outside all year?
Patty O’Furniture
What do you call a seamstress that snuck aboard a ship?
A sew-away!
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette?
“They call it “Nico-tang”
What did the two onions who were lovers say to each other before being separated? "Our love will forever go-nion on!"
What is a dog’s favorite coordinates?
K9.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
Lightning never strikes coffee in its bean form.
Only when it's ground.
Are these pants too tight in the Balzac?
How did the fire ant feel after the rain storm flooded his home?
Very put out, indeed!
How did that avocado baker make bread?
With avoca-dough.
The male pig puts everyone to sleep.
You might say he’s quite a boar.
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
What did the lightning strike survivor say when interviewed?
"It was shockingly powerful. Like, it really Hertz"
What tree is bought the most at the plant store?
The poplar tree
What do you call it when pigs attack you?
A hambush.
A mime in our town was arrested yesterday after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.