What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Hello my name is lettuce, and I was going to the grocery store...
Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself
What were the cheese’s wedding vows?
To havarti and to hold.
I don't usually brag about my drum jokes but um...
tss
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
A man struggled to cut up his dinner. His wife asked, “what’s wrong, hunny?” The man sighed, and said:
“This knife just isn’t gonna cut it.”
What did the fruit bowl say when it saw Santa Claus come down the chimney? We wish you a cherry Christmas!
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
Why did the dad prefer driving in the rain?
Things ran more fluidly.
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
What do you call a girl watermelon cop on the beat? A water fe-melon duty.
I would not be able to picture myself without having a camera phone.
My grandma is 80% Irish.
People call her Iris.
Why were the axons bothered by myelin?
It was getting on their nerves.
What kind of dishes do skeletons serve tea on?
Bone china.
What do you call a book on underwater gardening?
A self-kelp book.
If Satan ever lost his hair...
There would be hell toupee.
My brother has been riding a bicycle since he was 4 years old
Damn he must be very far away by now
Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? He didn't even leave a note.
How do you get a mouse to smile?
Say cheese.
What do we get when we cross a Christmas tree with an apple? We will have a pine – apple!
What did the bat do when she did not know the answer in class?
She winged it.
What's a pun's favorite love song?
"My Punny Valentine!"
How did Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code
All the contestants at the pig Olympics were very happy with their prizes. They each won pork medallions.
What is a Ghost’s favourite treat? Ice-scream floats.
Why did the man go into the pizza business?
He wanted to make some dough.
Why shouldn't you lend a geologist money? They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
Q. Why was the blonde disappointed after her visit to an apiary?
A. There weren't any gorillas there. DUH!
The healthy soup recipe was suggested to us by the nutritionist. It soup-erseded the old unhealthy creamy soup we used to have for dinner.
What did one of Frankenstein’s ears say to the other?
I didn’t know we lived on the same block.
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
What’s a potato’s favorite TV program? Starch Trek.
My neighbors house got struck by lightning.
It hit close to home.
I used to search for clams on the beach
But then I pulled a mussel.
Mushrooms always hate going to school. They feel inferior before the rest because they are always so spore-d.
If you must cross a course cross cow across a crowded cow crossing, cross the cross coarse cow across the crowded cow crossing carefully.
Swallowing a cherry stone is not the end of the world. It’s just one of life’s little pitfalls.
"I'm dyeing to know what's up."
You should follow your heart, but keep in mind to take your brain too.
What do cows do when they’re introduced?
They give each other a milk shake.
One day on the highway, I saw a packet of onions and cheese walking down the road. When I offered them a lift, they declined by saying that they were 'Walkers'.
The main difference between a dog and a basketball player is that one dribbles while the other one drools.
Why did the tooth see a therapist?
To get to the root of their problems.
What’s the best time for Frankenstein to go to a party?
Fright now.
When you offered me love, I lepton it!
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport? Plane Chocolate!
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.