What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.
Why couldn’t the baby horse eat dessert?
It was foal.
What do all French cars come with as standard?
A spare wheel of cheese.
My sheep-powered computer was starting to run slowly
So I added more ram
Why did the elf use a duck to wake him on Christmas morning?
So he could be up at the quack of dawn!
Did you know that camels can last longer without water than se*?
They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.
What do you call a cow on the barnyard floor? Ground Beef What do you call a cow with no front legs? Lean Beef
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo?
“Hop on!”
The neighbor's dog pooped in our yard, so my wife told me to get the shovel and toss it over their fence.
But that didn't solve anything.
Now the neighbors have my shovel and someone still has to pick up the poop in our yard.
Why did the artist go to the lounge? Because it was her comfort tone.
My dog loves designer hand-bags.
So I got him a Poochi.
I heard some crows communicating after one of their own was injured.
They were caws for concern.
What’s a goat’s favorite TV show?
America’s Goat Talent.
A werewolf that is confused on what to wear is not a dumb one, instead it is a what-to-wear-wolf.
What goes in dry and comes out wet. The longer I'm in, the stronger I get.
Can’t pinch this.
Don’t come to France without any Monet.
What do you call a philosophical fairy?
Thinker-bell.
I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
Who's the scariest dancer ever?
The Boogie Man.
What do you call a psychic gnome who escaped from prison?
A small, medium at large!
In order to be efficient, I named my parrots Roger, Gene, and Mick.
Two Byrds, one Stone.
What's faster - lightning, light, or diarrhea?
Diarrhea. Because I ran like lightning to the bathroom, turned on the light, but the diarrhea was already there.
What do you call a small mosque in Spain?
A mosquito!
What do rodents say when they play bingo?
‘Eyes down for a full mouse’!
Why did the brain go into a group of trees to sleep?
For rest. (forest)
I had a job repairing 17th century violins...
I only fixed instruments that were BAROQUE.
All the girls I meet keep thinking I’m a sheep.
Every time they see me they say “Ewe”
Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
Why was the pear by himself? Because the banana split.
Of course Napolean did not design the coat that he was wearing but we all knew that he had his hand on it.
What does the queen bee of every hive tell their workers to do?
She tells them to bee productive.
Why are trees so silly? All of their puns arboring and acorny.
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
What’s a whale’s favorite meal?
Fish and ships.
What do teachers drink at school? Facul-Tea.
What did the pickle say to the lemon?
I relish our time together
I tried my hand at cinematography, but it didn't really pan out.
What's an Ancient Egyptian favorite restaurant?
Pizza Tut!
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite drink?
A juice pouch.
What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.
Why do chickens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they’d break.
The feeling you get when you think you have heard these cow puns before is known as deja-mooo.
What happens when you turn on a computer?
You turn it's floppy disk into a hard disk.
When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren't paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, "Don't you understand the gravity of this situation?"
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?