What do you call a fat kid who likes chocolate milk?
An OvalTeen
What did the tornado say to the washing machine?
Want to go for a spin?
Why do vampires eat lentils?
Because they are so into pulses.
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
Apparently my password needs to be capitals only so I've changed it to LONDONMADRIDROME.
How many grams of protein are in an apple pi? 3.14159265
Our local butcher had to go to the doctor the other day. He didn’t know what was wrong, but said that he was feeling offal.
I almost brought a screwdriver to the football game, but was stopped by security
They said that match-fixing isn't allowed.
Did you see that movie about King Kong, the giant ape?
The plot was pretty bananas.
"For peep's sake."
You really gotta hand it to short people, because they can't reach it on their own.
Mermaids can be quite mean. Salmon had to say it.
The main difference between the weather and a horse is that one rains down while the other is reined up.
What did the two onions who were lovers say to each other before being separated? "Our love will forever go-nion on!"
Why do spider-musicians always have such long concert tours?
Because they have so many legs.
I had gradient expectations on him of being a good artist, but it was all in vain!
What do you get when you cross a vampire with an ice cube?
You end up with frost bite.
What’s the difference between a healthy rabbit and an odd rabbit? One is a fit bunny, and the other’s a bit funny!
My friend bought a different toothpaste this time...
It was a nice change of paste.
What do you call a serial killer watermelon? A slaughter melon.
What do you call an alligator that will only eat sacrificed lambs?
A hallaligator.
What praise did a bat’s friend deserve? A bat on the back.
Although he seems happy and bright, the jack-o-lantern was so sad on Halloween because he’s hollow inside.
I have faith in Pfizer and its Covid vaccine, because they also make Viagra.
If Pfizer can raise the dead, it can save the living.
What pickup line can you use to pick up a cheese lover?
“Are you cheddar? ‘Cause you’re lookin’ sharp!”
Why did the volcano say to the mountain? I lava you
I have been saying "mucho" more often while talking to my Hispanic friends
It means a lot to them.
I used to hate my husband's cologne...
But then it started to rub off on me.
How do you know when a cephalopod has been using your toilet?
Squid marks.
How do mountains hear?
with mountaineers.
What should you get Lassie, the star of the hit TV show, for Valentine's Day?
A cauliflower.
BREAKING: The United States, after mistaking it for an Iranian submarine, has struck a utility submarine with an underwater torpedo that was en route to displace the shipping carrier blocking the Suez Canal, killing all 169 aboard
whoops wrong sub
What is a chillin' banana's favorite song?
Mellow Yellow!
What happens when you play tug-of-war with a pug?
Pulled pork!
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
A biologist, a chemist and a statistician are out hunting.
The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5th to the left.
The chemist takes a shot and misses 5th to the right.
The statistician yells "We got 'em!"
Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?
Because he took a leek!
Saw my dad outside with a tv antenna on his head
When I asked him why, he said he was trying to get more in tune with nature.
Why couldn’t the skeleton get out of bed?
He was bone tired.
Why was the nice guy such a lousy baseball player?
Because he never got to home base.
So in my trip to Spain i got attacked by a bull.
Oh man that's spainful.
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
What do cell phones order at dinner?
Apps.
I think you're mer-mazing.
Winter does not arrive until the ice is in the compost heap. Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost.
The orange said to the melon, “You are one in a melon.” The melon replied, “You are so appealing.”
What did the grandfather ghoul say to his grandson?
You gruesome!
Why was the marathon runner plucked out of the race and taken away to jail?
For resisting a rest.
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.