When I was learning how to cook soups, my mum asked me to follow my instinct. She asked me to go with the pho.
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
What is a French cat's favorite dessert? Chocolate mousse!
How many atoms are in guacamole?
Avocados number.
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
If I ever get drafted into the Navy, and they make me choose what boat to get on.
I would just say frig it.
What do you call the onions which are small and yellow and very naughty? You call it a minonion!
Which barnyard animal is a famous painter?
Vincent Van Goat
I asked a beaver out on a date. The beaver replied: “Gnaw.” I said: “Dam.”
What does the witch do on her birthday?
She spellabrates.
I asked the bartender for the WiFi password but he told me to buy a drink first. So I ordered a Moscow Mule and asked him again. He handed me a card with the password. It said:
"Buy a drink first" ... no spaces, all lowercase."
What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.
Why did the parmesan swipe left on the cheddar?
His pick-up line was too cheesey.
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
I bought a wig for my wife, at a discount store...
Didn't want toupee full price.
Basketball is the only sport where the basket is filled but never gets full.
A person without arms and a knife in their mouth is still technically armed,
but only to the teeth.
Why did the Vikings sail to England in longboats?
It was too far to swim!
What’s green and pecks on trees?
Woody the Wood Pickle.
If you were in the jungle, and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
What did the fruit lover say after he met a girl?
I’ve got a date
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
Why didn't the two worms get on Noah's Ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go on in pairs.
What kind of a key opens a banana? A monkey!
I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome
There were just 30 girls...
The owner of the inside inn was inside his inside inn with his inside outside his inside inn.
Just found out they make adult race car beds so I bought one.
That way I can be fast asleep.
Pugs and kisses.
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
What type of candy sent the skeleton to the hospital?
Jawbreakers.
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time?
You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
They call me Ace, because you just got served.
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns
I was at the Doctor's office
The Pessimist said 'The door is half closed'
The Optimist said 'The door is half open'
The Doctor said 'Confirmed case of Bipolar'
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
The most suitable way to bake a pie in autumn is to bake it to pie-fection!
What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.
Why can a leopard never hide for long? It’s always spotted
The game of golf is 90-percent mental…
And 10-percent mental.
You and I make a deluxe combo.
I slept with a lemon once. Now I have lemonaids.
What happens when you cross an iron with a telephone? You get a smooth signal.
What shape is a kiss?
A-lip-tickle.
What is a cow’s favorite lunch meat?
Bullogna.
How do you know if there’s a snowman in your bed?
You wake up wet!
When the orange started peeling, he was glad it was finally cutting some weight.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
Why Was The Teacher Annoyed With The Duck?
Because he wouldn't quit quackin' jokes!