Why should you never fight a Gorilla?
They know king kong fu.
Aliens hate playing golf in space as there are too many black holes!
You raise the bar.
Where do you go to learn how to make ice cream?
Sundae school.
Where do saplings graduate from? Elementree school.
What's the best way to stuff a turkey? Serve him lots of pizza and ice cream!
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice burg-ers.
What happens when an onion burps at the most awkward time? It releases tear gas.
Q: What do you call a French guy being mauled by a tiger?
A: Claude.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
What did the llama say to the grass?
“Nice gnawing you!”
I thought I was swimming in the river Thames, but apparently I made it all the way to France before I realized I'm in Seine.
What did parietal say to frontal?
"I lobe you."
What do you call a low-quality Russian composer, pianist, and conductor of the late Romantic period?
Knockmaninoff.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles? No cake for me…I’m stuffed
What do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear?
Winnie the PU!
What do you call two male avocados who hang out and drink together?
Avocabros.
What do you call referential cheese?
Feta.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
Sinks cannot open doors
Let that sink in.
What does an onion say when you are upset because of it one day? It says, "I am sorry that I made you cry!"
What is another king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Reign!
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
Where do you imprison a naughty skeleton?
A rib cage.
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
What's black, white, purple, yellow and blue? Sugilite, opal, and sardonyx fighting over a gumball.
Last evening I walked up the hill in the park to see the planets. Stumbled over a lip in the concrete and went down pretty hard. Ripped pants and skinned hands and knees. When I got to the top I couldn't see a thing.
The view was NOT worth the trip.
What do you say to comfort a grammar teacher?
They’re, there, their.
What’s a shark’s favorite movie?
The Shaw-shark Redemption.
So I went to France and bought a house made of bread
I guess you could say I'm living in pain.
What does a triangle palm like to study in school? Trigonometree.
“My bowl of soup must be cracked as it is all wet down here”. “Well, I guess it is because your soup has a leek in it.
Where is a frog's favorite place to eat?
At IHOP.
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic
What did the copy machine say when it spilled it’s skincare?
"Oh no, that was my toner"
Where do bananas go to learn to be sweet?
Sundae School.
What is the only way one does not have to cry while cutting onions? They simply don't have to form emotional bonds with it.
Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.
What sickness do cowboys get from riding wild horses?
Bronchitis.
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
Did you hear about the lazy flower who finally got his act together?
He just needed a kick in the bud.
An arrogant gazelle walks up to a bunch of lions and tells them how much better he is than them.
He was consumed by pride.
Why did the bat walk in her pijamas to take a bath?
Because she did not have a bat robe.
I heard the government is going to put chips inside people with Covid vaccines...
I hope I get Doritos.
In ancient Egypt if you held a stinging insect you were thought to be very attractive
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
What kind of insect is bad at football?
A fumble-bee.
Why are elephants scared of computers?
Because of the mouse.
What do you call a werewolf that can’t decide what to wear?
A what-to-wear-wolf.