What do you get when you cross a snake and a frog?
A jump rope.
I use a crow to wake me up in the morning.
There’s caws for alarm.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
What is the color of the wind? Blew!
I General Lee do not find punny history jokes about the Civil War funny.
I have a butcher friend in London. Last week he caught a huge sea creature in the river there and made it into sausage. It was the beast of Thames. It was the wurst of Thames.
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
What did the deer tell his buddy before he took a test?
“Good buck!”
What do you call a field full of epileptic lettuce ?
Seizure Salad
How can you spot a fashionista donut?
They’re into all the latest glazes.
Pardon me if I’m being pool-itically incorrect.
What is a lion’s favorite cheese?
Roarquefort.
Why doesn’t anyone invite an ice cream cone to their party?
They’re a drip.
Where do boats go when they feel sick?
To the dock.
I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.
So, how on earth did the police catch the watermelon thief without a solid description? Don’t really know; guess the bloke was acting seedy.
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
What do you get if you cross a pigeon and a parrot? Voicemail!
Why is it good to drink witch's brew?
It's very newt-tricious!
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.
Fish taco says why don't you want to taco about it And the nacho says cause I'm nacho friend.
Did you hear about the party at the Chinese zoo?
It was Panda-monium.
What do you call a blessed blanket?
Holy sheet
What kind of eggs does a confused chicken lay?
Scrambled eggs.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
Can’t take my eyes off of her brewtiful face.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
What is the chemical formula of the molecules in sweets? Carbon-holmium-cobalt-lanthanum-tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race?
It ended in a tie.
What keeps the beat in a baseball song?
The bass line.
What did one cheese say to the other during philosophy class?
“I dis a brie.”
I woke up this morning and saw two birds sitting in the sun in my backyard, eating ice cream.
They were Basking Robins.
Why did the troll go running?
To keep up with you!
What did the ghost knights say to the cloud king?
Our souls will rain forever.
Did you like my HTTP 200 joke?
It was OK.
A witch with chickenpox is called an itchy-witchy.
I can't find my scrubber in the shower
It's aloof-ah
What did the duck say when he dropped the dishes?
“I hope I didn’t quack any.”
Near the town of Hannah Montana people found a dinosaur skeleton.
Scientists identified it as a Mileysaurus.
What do you call a really cold, young werewolf?
A pupsicle.
Did you heard about the zombie crow? He wants to eat your grains.
Take a vampire to a bar, and you don't need to ask what he wants to drink. He'll have a Bloodweiser.
Did you hear about the Elf booted from the chorus?
He couldn't Fa-la-la-la-long.
What do you call a one-inch zombie?
Tomb thumb!
The Bee Gees were such fans of onions that they even dedicated a song to it. They named it 'Chives Talking'.
What happened when a man practiced archery near some stationary planes? They ended up very arrow-dynamic.
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
Would you mind watching my pet parrot while I’m out, as long as it’s not too much of a birden?