Evolution is so strange. Dolphins started off as sea creatures, then evolved to have legs, only to eventually return to the sea and lose them.
Kinda defeets the porpoise, don't you think?
Why did the orange go to the doctor? He wasn’t peeling well.
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
Six slimy snails sailed silently.
Did you hear about the Frenchman who jumped into the river in Paris?
He was declared to be in Seine.
Do you find bone puns humerus?
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
What was the most popular kids' movie in Ancient Greece?
Troy Story.
The loveliest subject in schools History because it has so many dates.
There were two antennas who met on a roof and they fell in love and decided to get married. The ceremony was nothing fancy, but you could tell that they had a very strong connection.
Every morning when I leave home, a bike comes from somewhere and runs me over. It’s a vicious cycle.
What was it like to fight Medusa?
- At first I was afraid, then I was petrified...
What is fire to a pyromaniac?
Just a warm-up.
What side does the zebra have the most stripes on?
The outside.
When she spotted fake ramen in her soup, she said, “ This soup has impasta in it.”
In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad.
I guess it will be 5050.
How do you beat a robot in a fist fight
Socket in the jaw.
Who does the nectarine just do a hair transplant? Because it wants to become a peach.
What kind of fish do you catch with Gummy Worms?
Swedish Fish.
Hold on for deer life.
It is not uncommon for elephants to start a stampede. Especially if they want to play for the Chargers.
Why don’t Native Americans like to do rain dances in April anymore?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
How do you call a man who can cook an egg on his head?
pan o man.
“Watch out! The road curves ahead” cried the skeleton.
“It’s spine“ replied the driver.
How do you catch a unique bunny? Unique up on it.
A chap sees a zebra sitting on a seat beside him in the cinema eating popcorn. He says “what are you doing here?” The zebra says, “well, I enjoyed the book”.
Laundry puns?
I got loads of them.
Who cast the spell of sleep on Dorothy? It was the wicked witch of rest.
How did the octopuses win the football match?
Ten tackles
How do comedians like their eggs?
Funny side up.
In the night, a visitor came past my igloo. It was a yeti!
Not sure who left the other cooler, but thanks!
What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles
Q: Why wouldn’t the teacher bring the class to the green pea farm?
A: It was in a seedy part of town.
What did the baby goat say to his father?
I kid you not.
My dad used to be an airline pilot, but he decided to retire because it got too Boe-ing.
What did Mars tell to Saturn? Give me a ring sometime!
You spilled your entire cup of coffee? What's sumatra with you?
I ate the exam paper
Which means that sooner or later I will pass the test
Is tea with additional salt
Salt-tea?
People who fall sick at the airport possibly end up with terminal illness.
Why do realtors love skateboards?
Because they can flip them whenever they want!
Did you hear ISIS is spreading to Italy?
Nobody's concerned though, since it's just Italian ISIS and they're delicious. Especially cherry flavor.
I received an award at work for being the most secretive employee.
I can’t tell you how much this means to me.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
What do a phone and an engaged girl have in common? They both have rings.
Why did the chicken cross the road halfway?
She wanted to lay it on the line.
Why do gardeners plant bulbs? So the worms can see where they’re going.
What happens to witches who break the school rules?
They get ex-spelled.