What is a dog’s favorite dessert?
Pupcakes.
What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!
Why did the werewolf laugh while chewing on the skeleton?
He got to the funny bone.
Becoming a space pilot is not easy. It requires a good altitude.
Where do kangaroos like to eat?
At IHOP.
Q. What is another name for elk diarrhea?
A. Chocolate Moose.
What does a door to door flower salesman do?
Petal his wares.
I was going to try putting a mushroom into my cola. I wanted to be a my cola gist.
How do astronauts eat their ice cream? In floats!
Where does a rottweiler sit in the cinema?
Anywhere it wants to.
You have two cows, but only milk one. Your friend asks you…
"What about the udder one?"
My cows are super confusing. I can’t milk heads or tails of them.
The police came to arrest me after I tried to play my cat like a violin
They are charging me with Kitty Fiddling.
Why did the parmesan swipe left on the cheddar?
His pick-up line was too cheesey.
What do you call a reindeer ghost? A cari-boo!
What is a car’s favourite sport?
Soc-car.
Every time when I see a picture of something amazing in space, I usually say “That’s totally far out.”
Turtles keep on winning battles because they are perfect at shelling their enemies.
Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.
You’re my pot of gold.
My friend was telling me about how a shark attacked her while she was diving
I told her, that bites.
What do you do when your friend is a claustrophobic astronaut?
You give him a little space.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
What cookie makes you rich? A fortune cookie!
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
What do you call a crocodile that likes to bowl?
An alley-gator!
Why did the origami artist win her court case? She was great at doing the paperwork.
Building a good makeup design always starts with a good foundation.
What is the name of the horse that a knight onion rides? They ride a scallion.
What do you call a rapper working at Cold Stone? Scoop Dogg.
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a bell?
An alarm cluck.
Why do pirates not know the alphabet?
Because they always get Lost at C (Sea).
What did the zombie boss say to the zombie employee?
- Don’t miss the undeadline!
Do you know the easiest way to stop squirrels from playing soccer in your garden is to hide the ball? Well, it drives them nuts.
My dog has expensive taste in shoes.
So I got her some Jimmy Chews.
Which dinosaurs were the best policemen? Tricera-cops.
How can someone tell if a bee is on their phone? They'll get a buzzy signal.
Why are oceans so meticulous?
They like to be pacific.
What’s a corn farmer’s favorite animal? The unicorn.
"If you want to pass this point alive, you must answer my riddle: What goes on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon and on three legs in the evening?" the Sphinx asked.
Oedipus pondered for a moment, "Probably one of those new Pokemones," he finally replied. "There is like 600 of them.
"Fair enough man," spoke the Sphinx. "I can't reasonably expect you to remember all their names. You may pass."
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
What do you do if a running back swallows the football?
You have to get him to cough it up!
I'm going to start a hummus brand that comes in really difficult to open containers.
It's gonna be called 'hummus posta eat this'.
Where do gorillas go to after work?
The monkey bars.
What do you call Tyrannosaurus rex when it wears a cowboy hat and boots ? Tyrannosaurus tex!
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
What is a deer’s favorite place to get breakfast?
Dunkin’ Doe-nuts!
I sat on some peas in the car. It was a bumpea ride.
Why are apples afraid to grow in the United States? Because they don't want to be as American as apple pie.
What do you call a panda who’s lost his dinner?
Bamboozled.