I like fried chickpeas, but I shouldn't eat them. Every time I do I falafel.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
I swear I was born in the wrong generation. Nowadays everyone is addicted to their phones.
I wish I was born in the 80's when everyone was addicted to Cocaine.
What do you call a hat for the brain?
A thinking cap.
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
My friend exports the lilikoi fruit...
He says it’s his passion.
What do fashionable mountains wear when it's cold? An ice cap.
Why did the skier from Helsinki dominate the downhill slalom competition?
He led the race from start to Finnish.
What do you call a cat that works at a printing shop?
A copy cat.
After completing the deadline just in the nick of time, the artist breathed a cyan of relief.
How does a monster flush the toilet?
It doesn't, it scares the living sh** out of it.
In Ireland, they really like to ham it up.
6:30 is hands down the best time on a clock
What do you call a small Minotaur?
A Minitaur.
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
What do you call a dinosaurs fart? "A blast from the past"
What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass?
A wyrmhole.
How do you get a one-armed monkey out of a tree?
Wave to it.
Why did the volcano say to the mountain? I lava you
Did you hear about the owl who married a goat?
The had a hootenanny.
You have a pizza my heart.
What type of flowers does everybody have? two-lips.
How do trains eat?
They chew chew.
I got arrested because I left my car at the bar and took the bus home.
It turned out I was in no condition to drive that either.
My sister's laptop is so sassy and fun, it loves to play disc-o music.
Why was red in awe of orange?
“Because orange blue green.”
A truck carrying ladders crashed on the road. The cargo has spilled over, but police are taking steps to clear the area.
Why were the spruces in a group of three? They like to travel as a tree-o.
Ariel spent the weekend alone because she was feeling a little crabby.
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
The reason why mushrooms are always welcome even in high-end parties is because everybody believes they are really fun-guys.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights.
Q: What do you call a gust of wind full of sand?
A: A rough draft
What kind of cheese do rodents like? Mousearella.
What do snakes do when they get angry?
They throw hissy fits.
Why did the college football team stop smoking
They lost all their matches.
Why do math teachers make good dancers?
Because they have algorithm.
Why do workers at the dairy factory always need a charger? Their milk is stuck at 1%.
What did fog do to make the captain angry? He mist the boat.
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
Which birds are good at holding things together?
Velcrows.
One strawberry said to the other, “Were it not that you were so sweet, you wouldn’t have ended up in this jam.”
What’s a golf clubs favorite type of music?
Swing.
Why did Moses cross the Red Sea?
To get to the other side.
Which keyboard shortcut doesn't work if you're incontinent?
Ctrl-P
What did the llama say when the other llama asked if they wanted to go on holiday?
Alpaca suitcase.
What do you call a bodybuilder skeleton?
A musculoskeleton.
What kind of car does a mouse drive?
A mini van.
When I heard my sofa had been stolen, I thought “I’m not going to take this sitting down”.
Rory’s lawn rake rarely rakes really right.