Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
My son wanted a pet spider but they're to expensive.
I told him I'll get him one off the web.
What’s big and grey and wears a mask?
The elephantom of the opera.
What does a worry wart drink? Safe-Tea.
Why do cows lie on each other in the rain?
To keep each udder dry.
Why did the dog go to university? To get a pe-digree.
How do you know it’s cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get
chocolate ice cream.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
Sunshine on a Woman's Day?
Broad-day light.
Before I became a dad, I was terrified I wouldn't know how to be a good one. Oddly enough, it turns out, it's in my blood - I come from a long line of fathers.
Q: How do you store water?
A: Cloud storage.
Why did the pumpkin cross the road? It fell off the wagon!
It is really rare to find the most perfectly cooked steak.
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
I'm so Midwestern, it's in my blood
I'm type Ohp!-ositive
A brain aneurysm would be swell.
What do horses get after graduating university?
A pedegree.
If you photograph your pimples, is zit art?
Why don’t vampires use the front door?
Because they use the bat flap instead.
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
Purple paper people, purple paper people, purple paper people.
I heard someone complain about the bus being too crowded, it was a 'bus-load' of people!
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
Why are hands so reliable?
Because you can always count on them.
Why are candles lit on top of birthday cakes?
It’s impossible to light them on the bottom
What you call the Ghost of a Chicken? Poultry-geist.
She saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure she saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa?
Why was the pear by himself? Because the banana split.
People hated Ho Chi Minh because he was Hanoi-ing.
What birds should you recycle?
Toucans.
Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend? Because his friend said dinner is on me.
Who has better beer: Rabbits or Kangaroos?
Kanagaroos. While they both do great with the hops, Kangaroos just have a little more kick!
Why did the duck go to the bank?
Because he wanted to get a new bill.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
"Alcohol you later."
What did the Egg say to the boiling water? It's going to take awhile to get me hard I just got layed by some chick!
Why isn’t there an organization like Chocoholics Anonymous?
Because nobody wants to quit.
Five frantic frogs fled from fifty fierce fishes.
What do you call a rock that never goes to school?
A skipping stone!
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
[Chips] This is what I call a chip shot.
What do you call witches who live together?
Broom-mates.
We've been driving all day, I need a brake.
My suitcase started crying when I picked it up. I was carrying emotional baggage.
Where did the independent cat decide to live? In Catalonia!
How do you get a musician off your front porch?
Pay for the pizza.
Don’t give into beer pressure.
Why did the volcano say to the mountain? I lava you
Where do you smart hot dogs go?… On the honor role.
What did the man say when his wife asked if he remember to get the coffee with icecream inside it?
“Sorry! Affogato!”
My professor accused me of plagiarizing.
His words, not mine.