How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.
I gave my wife that new gorilla glue chapstick...🦍💄
It left her speechless
How do ghosts take their eggs? Terri-fried.
My cat kept jumping onto my desk.
I had to put him down.
Why did the owl invite his friends over?
He didn't want to be owl by himself.
What's slimy cold long and smells like pork? Kermit the frogs finger!
I read a story about pig anatomy.
It was all straightforward until I found a twist in the tale.
What is a ghosts favorite soup? Scream of Broccoli.
Why was Van Helsing so dedicated to killing Count Dracula?
Because he staked his whole reputation on it!
Does your sport shop stock short socks with spots?
Why do onions have poor self-image?
Because people cry when they get onions naked.
The brain is an amazing organ
it really makes you think.
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
Autumn is full of pumpkins, it is a gourd-geous time of the year.
What do you call a dinosaur that's a loud sleeper? A Snore-a-sorus
How do you know if an ant is a boy or a girl?
If you toss it in the water and it sinks, it’s a girl. If the ant floats, it’s a buoyant.
What did the koala write in his Valentine’s Day card to his girlfriend? “I love you-calyptus”.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
what do doctors use to draw blood?
A needle?
No, a red crayon!
Why do you use an old towel to dry your dog?
Because it's a little rough.
I took a road trip with my girlfriend who finally confessed she needs to stop and hug every now and again to reduce anxiety.
It was touch and go from there on.
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
If you see a ghost, you should always say, 'How do you boo?'
Why did they stop giving the horse grass?
They wanted it to be less green.
So my blood test came back positive.
Turns out I’m full of the stuff.
What is a deer’s favorite place to get breakfast?
Dunkin’ Doe-nuts!
How does a horse tow its trailer?
With a Ford Bronco.
Q. What haapens if a gorilla sits on your piano?
A. You get a flat note.
I was straining some old noodles but eventually, I chickened out. It was such a broth-er.
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
What did the fairy say to the other fairy?
It’s fairy nice to meet you!
I like you a latke!
What do you call a frog hanging from the ceiling at Christmas?
Mistletoad.
Which soccer position does a Ghost play? Ghoulkeeper, of course.
What does Willow Smith say to her pets? I whip my hare back and forth.
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. I’m not really a mourning person.
Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.
If there was a material made of milk which could store electricity...
...it would be called buttery.
A tree toad loved a she-toad,
Who lived up in a tree.
He was a three-toed tree toad,
But a two-toed toad was she.
The three-toed tree toad tried to win,
The two-toed she-toad's heart,
For the three-toed tree toad loved the ground,
That the two-toed tree toad trod.
But the three-toed tree toad tried in vain.
He couldn't please her whim.
From her tree toad bower,
With her two-toed power,
The she-toad vetoed him.
What is a pink bird's favorite dance? Flamin-tango.
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
How did the monster predict his future?
With the horror-scope!
Why did the bucket bounce?
Because it was filled with spring water.
The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static-electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
Why did the squirrel take apart the classic car?
To get down to the nuts and bolts.
Why was the pig a pathological liar? It’s a porcine-ality disorder.
What pickup line did the flower use on Tinder?
Are you a DAMNdelion?
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
What is a pianist’s favorite cheese ?
Mozzartrella.