Water you doing, my friend?
What family does Maiasaur belong to? I don't think any families in our neighborhood have one!
What is the lesser-known sport used to measure a horse’s singing ability?
Carol racing.
Why is the left cerebral cortex always wrong?
Because it was never in the rgiht.
Why are flamingos the happiest birds? They live with no reggrets.
What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.
Why did the hipster throw away his calculus book?
He found it too derivative.
What do horses get after graduating university?
A pedegree.
What do confused owls say?
Too-whit-to-why?
Tigers are probably the most roarsome animal ever created!
I was at the beach today when I saw a man in the sea yelling “Help, shark! Help!”
I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
What should you give a deer when it gets stomachache?
Elk-a-seltzer.
What’s a gorilla’s favourite pop group? A: Bananarama!
The bartender asked the pirate, "Is that a ship's wheel sticking out of your pants?"
The pirate replied"Aye! It's driving me nuts!"
What kind of cake do you get at a cafeteria?
A stomach-cake!
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
Why does Mr. Potato need a cell phone? Incase Mr. Onion Rings.
If you're alone and get too cold, you might become ice-olated.
Pad kid poured curd pulled cod.
What are Astronauts doing when they do a mistake?
They Apollogize
"I like a man that can pull off facial hair."
I think your supposed to use a razor.
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
Which letters stand in line to the public restroom?
What do you call a bathroom line?
A P,Q.
What do you get when you cross a sloth and a Scottish rock band? Slow Patrol.
Two trucks – one carrying strawberries and one carrying sugar – crashed. Drivers didn’t stop, and now the jam is getting thicker.
What lives at the North Pole and is green, white, and red all over?
A sunburned elf!
I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome
There were just 30 girls...
I know a guy who had both arms amputated from elbow to shoulder.
He is always serious and never humerus.
What do you call someone from Spain who lives near the Portuguese border?
Span-ish.
Before the Koalaville basketball team can play for the national championship, they have to make it through the koalafying rounds.
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
A bomb goes of in a cheese shop.
You can see da brie everywhere.
What goes black, white, black, white, black, white?
A panda rolling down a hill.
What do you call a bus full of smart people?
A Scholarship
The only good pun is a dad pun
but who am I kidding?
I was offered a job as a gardener, but I didn’t take it because the celery was too low.
I don’t know who became more famous, Sir Francis Bacon or his son
Chris P. Bacon
So I asked my Spanish friend if he knew where fish lived.
He said "Si."
I applied for a job as an Instructor at a Scuba Diving center. The interviewer wanted to know if I can work well under pressure.
Q. Why did the girl-illa win the beauty contest?
A. She was beast of show!
Why does no one trust the man on the moon?Why does no one trust the man on the moon?
Because he has a dark side!
When you cross a plane and a snake, you will end up with a Boeing Constrictor.
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, do you believe in love at first sight, or should I go around this chairlift again?
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener
One day, tamarind, curry and ice were crossing the road. All of a sudden they heard a gunshot. Then, tamabrind ball, curry duck and ice-cream!
Paleontologists found the world's oldest toothbrush.
They believe it came from the Flossiraptor.
What do you call a cold werewolf?
A chilli dog.
In the history of bowling, there is one bowler who floats like a butterfly and stings pretty much like a bee. His name is Muhammad Alley.
What did the band Boston say in praise of the Sistine Chapel?
"It's more than a ceiling"