Q: Why are tigers religious?
A: Because they prey frequently, and prey as a family!
What is the worst advice a coach could ever give to a nude volleyball team? Play hard.
Mistakes happen.
No need to terrier-self up about it.
Milk is the fastest drink on the planet. It's pasteurized before you even see it.
"I'll be right back, I need to go for a pea," said the fruit during the interval.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
I couldn't shave this morning because someone stole my mirror.
The police are looking into it.
Don’t make such a Dreyfus about it.
What do you call a 100 year old ant?
An ant-ique.
I have a hiking playlist with songs from the Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix.
I gave someone directions to a theater today
I guess I am a movie director now.
What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison!
What do you call a small scoop of ice-cream? A uni-cone.
Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
Are you a taco?
Cause you sure taco lot
Did you hear the joke about the elephant who was stuck in a tree last spring? To get down, she had to sit down on a branch and wait until fall.
Orange you excited for Halloween?
"You make me egg-static."
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
What is Grammar?
The difference between knowing your sh*t, and knowing you're sh*t.
"What do tofu and a dildo have in common?" "They are both meat substitutes!"
Why did the sponge wake up early?
To get the moist out of the day.
What do neurons use to talk to each other?
Cellular phones.
What
Why did the farmer put his cow on the scales?
He wanted to see how much the milky weighed.
What did the teenage rock say after failing its drive test? I don’t want to talc about it.
Why should the Sun get into a school? To get brighter.
Pad kid poured curd pulled cold.
What do you call a pig with skin problems? A wart-hog.
What do you call a gorilla wearing headphones?
Anything you'd like, it can't hear you.
Why are small dried up river beds so cool? Because they're ex-stream.
"I think you should embrace the change, son"
Said my father as he handed me a handful of coins.
What do you call a Pharaoh who plays the trumpet? Tootin'khamun.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
Did you hear about the emperor penguin?
He had a freezing reign!
After all is red and done, all the colors in the rainbow are equally beautiful.
Where do rabbits work? At IHOP restaurants!
I wasn’t sure if I ordered enough tacos from Taco Bell.
So I got a just in quesadilla.
Diving into shallow water could lead to jumping to wrong conclusions.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
I think there's something wrong with the cactus I'm growing...
But I can't put my finger on it.
On Mother's Day we went strawberry picking and made a jam from the fruits of our labor.
What do you call a pair of cornstalks that are best friends?
Ear buds!
“Oh, deer! Christmas is here!”
What is the musical part of a snake?
The scales.
"I'd like to make a toast!", said the bread to the bride on her wedding day.
Why did the bus driver go to jail? He was 'wheely' breaking the law!
I met a gnome once, our conversation was very awkward...
I’m not very good at small talk.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
What do you call a gushing keyboard?
sqwerty