Q: How do you store water?
A: Cloud storage.
If you don’t properly seal the lids on your spice rack...
You’re going to have a bad Thyme.
My dog needed date ideas.
I told him to whine and dine her.
My heart is like an onion...
I'm never getting a discount organ transplant again
The group of crows that attacked the lady was accused of murder, the cawps are still looking for the probable caws.
Why did the FBI surround the president with cows? They were beefing up security!”
My teacher told me in History class to do some light reading on the history of the light bulb.
How is cat food sold? Usually, purr can!
One of my neighbours was stealing things from the local supermarket whilst sitting on the shoulders of two vampires. He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
Why don’t dogs bark at their feet?
It isn’t polite to talk back to your paw.
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
The bag of flour was so confused.He thought that he saw his friend the loaf yeast-erday.
Why are fish so smart?
They spend a lot of time in schools.
What are the longest lasting relationships in the fruit world? Orange-d marriages.
I was surprised that although I was supposed to be feeling blue, my heart was not that heavy. Perhaps, I am feeling light blue.
Why couldn’t the dog fit in his clothes?
He was a little husky
I'm snow bored.
Which murderer kills at the bottom of the ocean?
Jack the Kipper.
I'm gonna quit my job on a submarine
I'm under a lot of pressure
What did the zombie call the girl he was dating?
His ghoul-friend.
Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.
Why did the girl walk into the ice cream store with an umbrella?
She heard there were going to be sprinkles
How do you know it’s getting kind of serious with a cheese lover?
They tell you they are pretty fondue you.
Why shouldn’t you iron a four-leaved clover?
You don’t want to press your luck.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
What did one frog say.to the other?
Time's sure fun when you're having flies.
Why did the hipster throw away his calculus book?
He found it too derivative.
What’s an elephant’s secret talent?
They’re great at multi-tusking.
Another term for hair that's tied up in a bun is
a hairball
What type of films should players watch to improve their shot? Slap stick.
I joined the French Submarine Corps to learn how to deal with the loss of a loved one.
They taught me periscoping techniques.
What do you call an angry kangaroo?
Hopping mad.
Which side of a koala bear has the most fur? The outside!
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”.
We’re a cover band.
Why did the credit card go to jail? It was guilty as charged.
An ancient Greek walks into his tailor’s shop with a pair of torn pants.
‘’Euripides’’ says the tailor. ‘’Yeah, Eumenides?’’ replies the man.
I don’t like mangoes. I asked my boyfriend if he thinks they’ll grow on me one day.
He said “I think they can. You just need to be watered properly.”
Why aren’t skeletons good at poker?
You can see right through them.
How did the herpetologist know he would be married soon? He caught the garter snake.
What did the WiFi router say when it was unplugged?
"Tell my wifi love her
What did the newspaper say to the ice cream? What's the scoop
Why can’t a car play football?
Because it only has one boot.
HIJKLMNO is the formula for water
H to O.
Why did the blood sucking insect learn Latin?
It wanted to be a Roman-tic
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
What type of pool do mechanics like best?
The car pool!
What do you give a sick penguin?
Tweetment.
“Santa owes a lot to his little helpers. You might say he’s an elf-made man.”
After the guy broke his arm skiing, he realized it was all downhill from there.
I got arrested for the way I eat corn.
They charged me with a salt and buttery.