I have always had acrophobia, but the plane flight brought it to a new height.
How does the Pope dry his hands?
He uses a Papal towel.
When one tree asked another how it was doing in November, it replied, "I am pine!"
I whisper my sins to crows
So my parents can't hear me confess to a murder
Corn mazes should be renamed Maize mazes.
Whenever I hear folksy stories about the hills, I can never get over them.
How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use CFLs!
I was trying to look at a picture of the ocean but kept having to reload the page, it finally worked after 5 attempts.
That was refreshing to sea.
What's the difference between an owl and an Irish funeral?
One's awake in the night and the other's a wake in the day.
How does a car begin telling you bad news?
‘I hate to brake it to you…’
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
How was the first giraffe made?
Chuck Norris uppercut a horse.
Why did the hen lay her egg on the axe?
She wanted to hatchet.
Why did the college football team stop smoking
They lost all their matches.
What did the fish say to the mermaid?
- Have a fintastic day!
What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.
If a lion is the king of the jungle...
Then shouldn’t they call it a reignforest?
What's green and sour and swims in an aquarium?
A tro-pickle fish.
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
A wolfswagon rabbit is by far the best car you can gift a wolf.
I know a guy who absolutely loves his pet Parrot.
He is Polly-Amorous.
I used to make loads of money clearing leaves from lawns. I was raking it in.
A beaver's tail makes them look odd.
But without it they would look otter.
I thought the play was frightful but I saw it under particularly unfortunate circumstances - the curtain was up.
Why don't crabs give birthday presents?
Because they're just shellfish.
Why do dinosaurs eat raw meat? Because they don't know how to cook.
What do you call a zombie who stir-fries?
Dead Man Wokking
A functional gun shoots
While a broke one needs troubleshooting.
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
What kind of salad do termites eat?
House salad
What is the favorite color of onions all around the world? Their favorite color is the o-neon.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
Why was the Geologist expelled from Reform School? He was a dirty layer!
What makes more noise than a dinosaur ? Two dinosaurs!
My mom told me that sitting on a computer 8 hours a day in unhealthy
I said: But, mom that's why I am using a chair.
Q. Where do gorillas get their gossip?
A. From the grapevine.
What do you call a guitar used to play pool?
A cue stick.
Why did the jazz musician refuse to be quarantined?
Cause he was an outdoor cat.
Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."
"Some parts are missing."
What do fish take to stay healthy?
Fish take Vitamin Sea to stay healthy!
Where does a killer whale go for braces?
The orca-dontist.
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
What bat was called an invader?
Bat-talina.
If a goat grows a beard, is it a goatee?
Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball.
My wife: Oh look, here's instructions on building a carpenter bee trap.
Me: Shouldn't they be able to do that themselves?
What’s orange with bad hair and hears ‘boo’ a lot?
A haunted pumpkin with a wig.