How heavy are your bones?
They are scale-a-ton.
Where does a rottweiler sit in the cinema?
Anywhere it wants to.
Where do Russians get their milk?
From Mos-cows.
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing? Au revoir.
Do you know what kind of stock to use when making neotropical near-passerine bird soup?
Doesnt matter, as long as you put Toucans in.
Don’t get me wrong, I love our soccer team. However, in sharp contrast to the albatross, our team doesn’t have two decent wings.
What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell.
What did the alligator say to the other alligator that was in the way?
“Please move, I need to get bayou.”
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and stuffs it in a large envelope, however he forgets to write out and attach a shipping label. He doesn't realize his mistake at the time and brings it to the counter to send.
The postal workers says: "You can't send a salad like that, it needs adressing".
Yoda one for me!
What is serial killer Buffalo Bill's favorite fast food restaurant?
Chick Fillet.
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
You know, people say they pick their nose,
but I feel like I just was born with mine.
How does white chocolate turn into dark chocolate?
Turn off the lights.
Each year, lots of wolves go treating in howl-o-ween.
What did the mitt say to the baseball?
Hey baby, you're quite a catch.
I went drinking with a bunch of kangaroos last night and they didn't buy me one drink all evening..
Talk about short arms long pockets...
What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy?
“You scratch my beak and I’ll scratch yours!”
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a cow?
A kanga-moo.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
I can't get my wife to try Mediterranean food.
She doesn't like hummus, which is a naan-starter.
What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills ?
Bernadette.
What did the boy without hands get for his birthday?
Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
Did you know Karl Marx's sister invented the starting pistol?
Her name was Onya Marx.
The plural of mango should be changed to mengo
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and Quackers!
Who’s a llama’s favorite U.S. president?
Barack Ollama.
Hello my name is lettuce, and I was going to the grocery store...
Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself
I was at my hotel in Spain and wasn't feeling well.
Reception said they had a doctor on staff.
The doctor asked me lots of questions and I was then feeling much better.
I told reception I didn't expect a hotel would have a doctor on staff
They said it was a Spanish Inn Physician
She has high elf-esteem.
I got fired from the bomb disposal squad
Too bad, I had a blast working there.
Have you ever tried setting fire to a flamingo? It’s really easy, you just burn the O.
I read dead people.
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
What would Jerry McGuire have said if he was a flower?
You had me at hydrangea.
When my daughter said she saw some chubby unicorns at the zoo, I couldn’t believe it. But it turns out it was just rhinos.
Q: Why did no one like peach’s personality?
A: Because it had a heart of stone.
What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer? Mice cubes!
"Back that glass up."
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
Irish I had better jokes.
What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish? A crab apple !
“We are experiencing slight tuber-lence on the flight”
This pizza party is the perfect topping to a great summer.
Why did the boy soon stop trying to grab the mountain fog? Because he always mist.