How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia that makes me deny the existence of certain 80's bands.
There is no cure.
What do you call a spinning potato? A rotate-o.
What did the tortilla chip say to the guacamole?
“You are all I avo wanted.”
Who is the most powerful potato? Darth Tater.
What does a beaver from Philly drink?
Wooder.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Did you know you can fit 30 bananas in a kangaroo’s pouch?
Also, I’m not allowed at the zoo anymore.
What is a wolf’s favorite time of the year?
The howl-o-days.
I need to take this picture for my instayam
What’s a horse’s favorite sport?
Saddleball.
Why was the ocean angry? Because the ocean didn't wave back.
Where do phones like to travel?
To the Great Call of China!
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
What did the Easter bunny say about the Easter parade?It was eggs-cellent.
I don’t want to drive you crazy, but I do have a loco-motive
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
What’s black and white and red all over?
A sunburned panda.
What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".
What is the worst type of blind people?
The Notsees.
What do you call a kangaroo DJ?
Disc joey.
If you're Russian when you go to the bathroom, and you're Finnish when you come out of it, what are you when you're inside?
European!
Why do birds fly south in the fall?
Because it’s too far to walk.
Where’s a donut’s favorite vacation spot?
The Sahara dessert!
"Oh, I wanna dance with some bunny, with some bunny who loves me."
What’s the best thing about being a butcher? You get to meat the best people.
What’s a potato’s favorite TV program? Starch Trek.
I read a bunch of news articles dealing with lightning strikes recently.
I'm trying to keep myself knowledgeable about current events.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
I always put my money in drums
Because it’s a sound investment.
You should dress up warm in the Andes. That place is Chile.
Why the skeleton doesn't go to the theater?
Because he has nobody to go with.
What is a dog’s favorite pick-up line?
You must be my backyard… because I dig you
Why was the mouse afraid of the water?
Catfish.
Why did the police arrest the milk after it was poured into a bowl of Fruit Loops? They witnessed him drown them. They knew he must be a cereal killer!
What does an artist call his sketch pad? A house.
Librarians don't like drinking white wine. They prefer the well red ones!
Working as a dock hand is hard,
but it's wharf it.
How do you get down off an penguin?
You don’t – you get down off a duck.
How do Eskimos make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
Why did the shark cross the great barrier reef?
To get to the other tide.
She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him in.
Whenever my wife is upset I let her color in my black and white tattoos
She just really needed a shoulder to crayon
What do you call a mouse with no balls?
Optical.
Where do horses get their weaves from?
Mane.
It is difficult to hold up a trouser. How does Jupiter does it? Simply, with an asteroid belt.
The only problem with golf is...
The slow groups are always in front of you and the fast groups are always behind you.