Which venue did all the vegetables choose to open their fighting club in? An onion ring!
What is a koala’s favorite pop singer? Koala Rae Jepsen. Her most popular song? “Koala Me Maybe”.
Why can’t a rooster ever get rich?
Because he works for chicken feed.
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
What kind of monkey likes seafood?
A shrimpanzee.
The baker taught his apprentice that to make a good pie one needs to bake it to pie-fection!
Before I ducked out to the shops, my wife asked me to put ketchup on the shipping list.
Now I can't read it.
How do ghouls like their meals?
Absolutely terrified!
A strawberry usually needs batteries when it runs out of juice.
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth?
Hard cheese!
What did the reindeer dad tell his son?
Deer to be different!
Why did the two slices of bread disappear in the middle of the night? They wanted to e-loaf together.
I've been hitting the bottle pretty hard recently.
Still can't get the last of that ketchup out.
A con artist tried to convince me he could ejaculate deli meat
What a load of bologna.
Why are goldfish orange?
The water makes them rusty.
Cherries are actually great at a lot of different sports. Their favorite one, in case you were wondering, is archerry.
What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
What do you get when an Elephant sits on an Orange?
Orange squash.
Q. Why was the stag thrown in the army brig?
A. Due to deer-eliction of duty.
How do you save a drowning mouse? Use mouse to mouse resuscitation!
Our flamingo colleague was leaving for a new job recently. We all told him to flamingo for it.
What is it called when a tree stabs his friend in the back?
A be-tree-yal
I made Chinese for Easter dinner
If I had made Japanese it would have been Eastest Dinner.
What did an angry donut say to his wife?
Donut talk to me.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
What instrument never fails to energize a crowd?
An electric guitar.
My wife's been on a banana diet.
She hasn't lost any weight, but you should see her climb trees now!
Q: What is the opposite of a cold front?
A: A warm back
What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose!
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
Where do owls go on their honeymoon?
Their love nest.
I was going to replace the seats at my bar
But... I just can't look at another stool sample
What do you call a beaver with a bad attitude who acts lazy? A beaver that doesn’t give a dam.
What is an outlet’s favorite song?
I’ve Got The Power.
Why are frogs great outfielders?
Because they never miss a fly.
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up together, would they be alloys?
Did you hear about the audio drama about peas?
It’s a pod-cast
It doesn't matter whether you are tall, short, fat, thin, rich, poor; at the end of the day...
It's night.
What is a neuroscientist's favorite type of dog?
A labratory retriever.
My girlfriend was seasoning the soup. I asked, "What spice is that?", and she replied "Sage".
I said, "Sounds wise".
What did Train say when they visited a sibling in South Korea?
Hey, Seoul Sister!
What did the foot say to the football?
I toed you.
If you go to a beach and you can see through it, you could say the coast is clear.
How does a volleyball team welcome their new neighbors? With a block party.
Why was the bucket so embarrassed at the beach?
Because of how pail it was.
What is it called when a dinosaur hits a homerun?
A Dino-Score.
Dracula always read the best selling local newspaper because he heard that it had a good circulation.
We are mint to be.
You can virtually stay in any room. The only one you can’t is the mush-room because it is reserved for fungi.
My Physics teacher said I have no potential.
Joke's on her, I just bought a ladder.