Why do prisoners have PTSD? Cell Shock.
What does a triangle palm like to study in school? Trigonometree.
One day, tamarind, curry and ice were crossing the road. All of a sudden they heard a gunshot. Then, tamabrind ball, curry duck and ice-cream!
Who in the hell names their son “Tiger” ?
Only people in the Woods’
What do you call a noisy group of crows?
A caw-cophony!
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
The chicken farmer died under mysterious circumstances.
The police suspect fowl play.
Apple and orange were the only two left that evening. Everyone else had dates.
“What would you get if you ate the Christmas decorations? Tinselitis.”
Q. Why was the baby gorilla such a big brat?
A. Because his parents are big apes.
What did the bartender say when he saw oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium and phosphorous enter his barroom? OH SnaP!
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral.
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
There's a microchip you can transplant into your brain to boost your memory
You should keep that in mind.
What cheese do you use to get a bear out of a tree?
Camembert.
How can you spot a fashionista donut?
They’re into all the latest glazes.
What's as big as a dinosaur but weighs nothing? Her shadow!
Why shouldn't you shop at the Banana Republic? Because the employees look like a bunch of dicks.
Why is corn popular around Halloween?
Because it’s so earie.
At a get-together, one fruit asked another "I was wondering how have you been". The other replied "Just peachy, isn't that grape?"
I gave someone directions to a theater today
I guess I am a movie director now.
What’s the difference between Jesus and pizza?
Jesus can’t be topped.
What do you call the Halloween costume contest winner? Mummy of the year.
What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
"HeHe."
My Roomba accidentally rolled out of my front door, and the neighborhood squirrels and rabbits immediately started attacking it.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
What do dogs increase?
The pup-ulation.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
Why did the skeleton have to testify in court?
Because he was a body of evidence.
Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards? They like to avoid the flush.
The snuggle is real.
What do you call a koala with no teeth? A gummy bear.
If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.
He’s an elf-made man.
My partner got mad when she found so much spam on my computer.
She said, "Food belongs on a plate!"
When do chickens go to bed?
Half past hen!
What's the problem with Father's day?
It always falls on Son-day
"You're a real good egg."
What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
What did the snowplow guy say when his equipment broke down?
Take this job and shovel it!
This kind of wine does not go right through you. Trust me, you will pee no noir.
What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?
That was ruff.
My wife was describing the pair of Toucans the zoo recently acquired.
I responded "You mean a four-can?"
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
My neighbors house got struck by lightning.
It hit close to home.
What happened when the tiger ate the comedian?
He felt funny!
What's worse than a SPIDER on your PIANO?
CRAB on your ORGAN.
What do you call bacon with salt on it?
Salt and Peppa.
What is a neuron's favorite television channel?
The Ion Channel
What do you call a flower with a mouth?
Tulip.
All the chairs in my town were stolen
The people can’t stand it.