Q. Why doesn't a big gorilla have to flush the toilet?
A. He scares the sh*t out of it!
What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? A Hot Cross bunny.
What do you call a very smart bunny? An egghead.
Ingenious iguanas improvising an intricate impromptu on impossibly-impractical instruments.
Why don’t fairies live under toadstools?
Because there’s not mushroom in the enchanted forest.
What do you call a diving dog?
A sub woofer.
Sir, did you realize the consequences of naming your son Taco Cheese?
"No, but I have grate expectations."
You’re so beautiful, I can heartly believe my eyes.
What did the nectarine boxer say to his opponent? "You want a peach of me?"
How do you draw flies?
With a pencil!
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm?
A tattoo.
When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
What do you call a zombie who stir-fries?
Dead Man Wokking
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
What do you call a flying cheese?
A curd of prey.
What do horses eat with their salad? Dressage-ing.
What do you call a guy who only rides children's bicycles?
A pedalphile
Why didn't the lemon juice like the soap?
Because he was basic.
I knew a guy in jail who would never knife a man in the back or when he was down
He was the very model of shivalry.
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.
Kicking off the afternoon in the best way possible
The moto of their school bowling team was ‘let’s knock em down’.
A sun walks into a black hole.
The black hole says to the sun "I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation".
Why are Ghosts in such good shape? Plenty of exorcise and a good die-t.
What did the lightning strike survivor say when interviewed?
"It was shockingly powerful. Like, it really Hertz"
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
You’re a unit of electrical energy, Harry.” I’m a watt?”
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
What did the fruit lover say after he met a girl?
I’ve got a date
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said...
Once upon a time there was this lobster...
Why didn’t the lobster and crab share their lunch with an octopus?
Because they are too shellfish.
Which fish can perform operations? A Sturgeon!
Pan wants to lead his kind to rebellion, but...
He can't get no Satyr Faction.
Most people have off on Independence Day. Except fire.
Fire-works on 4th of July.
What did the expired milk say after being picked up way past its due date? It was well beyond their wildest creams.
If money really did grow on trees, what would be everyone’s favorite season? Fall.
What is the maggot army called? The Apple Corps.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fishually impaired.
Something is Wrong With My Bicycle,
it doesn't Go Straight.
Why was the realtor upset with his truck driver client one day?
The client wanted a house with really long haul ways.
I had to carry a group of crows once.
It was murder on my back!
What is a ghoul’s favorite snack food?
Ghoul scout cookies!
What do trees write on? Loose leaf paper.
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
What do you call a hairy monster that lives by a dam?
A weir-wolf.
Why are geologists great dates?
They can make your bedrock.
Suzie Seaword's fish-sauce shop sells unsifted thistles for thistle-sifters to sift.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
What's grey, beautiful and wears glass slippers?
Cinderella-phant.