Why DID seven eat nine?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!
I had four cans of alphabet soup.
Just had the largest vowel movement ever.
What did the baby goat say to his father?
I kid you not.
What did the deer tell his buddy before he took a test?
“Good buck!”
What’s a potatoes favorite horror movie? The Silence of the Yams.
I’m browsing the winter-net.
What’s the freshest herb you can find in April?
Spring-thyme!
Q. What is a popular search engine for ghosts?
A. GHOULgle!
What does a Clydesdale say when you offer them a carrot?
“Of course, my horse.”
What did the waitress say to the customer who wanted free guacamole?
“You can kiss my Hass.“
What kind of car does an otter drive? A Furrari.
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
What musical group do men join once they get married?
The Hus Band!
A French photographer and his friend from Czechoslovakia were visiting Australia.
Unfortunately, one day they got too close to a nesting site and were attacked and eaten by a pair of crocodiles.
The female ate the Frenchman.
The Czech was in the male.
You are just like my car because you drive me crazy.
Why did the hotdogger quit skiing at MaryJane?
Because it was the wurst stunt skier at Winter Park Resort.
Don't drink too much coffee after breakfast. You might face a latte problems.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher that got killed by her students?
She couldn’t control her pupils.
What did the conifer say when he finally got alone with his crush? It’s just yew and me, baby.
What did the woman say when she escaped Dracula’s clutches?
- Better luck necks time!
My barrista friend turns up her nose at instant coffee.
She's quite sankamonious.
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?
The strength of the communion wine.
Mother always knows best. But when winter comes around, Mother Nature snows best.
What do you call a goat that acts immaturely?
A silly billy.
How did the hotdog overcome his fear of ketchup? He mustered up the courage.
What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There were players on the other side.
I invited a turkey over for dinner. He was very late for dinner – when I asked him about it, he said he was busy getting dressed.
Why had the beaver left the pond? He thought it was too shallow.
What did the bat say when she was invited to dinner?
No, fangs. I just ate.
National Herbs and Spices Day is celebrated annually on June 10.
A dog in a pumpkin patch is called...
a pumpkin pooch.
What kind of melody does a ship makes when if it crashes on shore?
A wreck-quiem.
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
Did you hear about the scientist that studied nectarines? He won the Nobel Peach Prize.
What would’ve happen if the Apollo astronauts stayed on the lunar surface for too long?
They would’ve been lunatics.
What do you call getting attacked by a mermaid?
An ariel assault.
What did the mama nut say to her son?
“If I ever cashew doing that, I walnut be happy.”
What is the name of Santa’s rudest deer?
Rude-olph.
I really wish my five-year-old son would make up his mind! First, he said he wanted a treehouse in the backyard, but now, he says he doesn't need it…
Took me twenty years to grow that thing!
This vacation has been sand-sational!
When I was young, my dad used to throw quarters at my head whenever I acted up.
He said, “Maybe this’ll knock some scents into you.”
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
They fired the loaf of bread from her job. They say that she kept breaking down and would rye on the job.
A team may be talented, but there is no substitute to this, no train no gain!
Why is the world so diverse? Because it contains alkynes of people.
Some people like to play croc-quet.
Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.
If your dog was a neurologist, what would it do all day?
Perform PET scans.