Sometimes you have to green and bear it.
The little boy autumn-bled over the pile of fallen leaves and yellow-d for help.
I squeezed a lemon on my wife's lap two hours ago...
She's been a sourpuss about it ever since.
Baby dump trucks have the cutest name – they’re called dumplings.
Did you hear about the owl party?
It was a hoot.
What is a garbage disposal’s favorite music group?
NSYNC.
What is the favourite toothpaste of the security guards of a mining company?
Coalgate.
What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can't "tuna" fish!
Mr. Pea never did any work and yet always looked down on the other vegetables. He was a real peas of work.
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
How does Frankenstein jump-start his day?
With a shock of lighting.
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle? – An Orange County Chopper.
How about the most dangerous mountain in the world? Kill-a-man-jaro.
What do you sing to cows on their birthdays?
Happy birthday to moo…
How did the calf’s final exam turn out?
Grade A.
When the theatre owner dies, his visitation hours are as follows: 1pm, 3pm, 6:30 pm, 9pm, and midnight.
The furniture store saleswoman keeps calling me to come back. But all I wanted was one night stand.
Why is a baby showing the top of its head during labor a significant event?
Because that’s the baby’s crowning achievement.
You ever heard the Stormtrooper band?
Probably not, they've never had a hit.
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix.
What do you call a waffle laying on a beach?
Sandy eggo.
Why did the banana go out with a lemon?
Because it couldn't find a date!
What do you call heels on ski boots?
Ski lifts.
What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear!
What did the cat say when something bad happened? That’s un-fur-tunate!
Walked into a restroom and saw an "Out of order" sign on a urinal.
It's going to be tough to move all these urinals to get them back in the right order....
Violinist Caught following a String of Robberies.
How did the mobile phone propose to his girlfriend?
He gave her a ring
Engineers like to Solve Problems but...
If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own.
Why do worms hate graveyards?
They keep bumping into skeletons!
We've been driving all day, I need a brake.
My suitcase started crying when I picked it up. I was carrying emotional baggage.
What do you call a dull ghost? Boo-ring!
I felt like telling you the joke about a strawberry jam on a piece of bread, but I won't. You might go around spreading it.
What do you call a bully on Halloween? A jerk-o-lantern.
Why did the little girl color her paper heart pink rather than red?
She was feeling lighthearted.
Where did the nut keep his money?
In his cash shoe.
Or maybe it’s baseball players because they’re so great at hitting it off.
What does a turtle do during winter? Sit by the fire and worm himself up.
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon?
They go on peck-nics.
Why did the man go into the pizza business?
He wanted to make some dough.
What do donuts think about donut puns? They donut like them!
The reason the mountains are hill areas joke gets reposted so often is because it's peak comedy
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
What did the flower say when he saw his date?
I think you’re dandy, and I’m not lion!
What do neurons do on their birthdays?
They cell-ebrate
Do not eat that alphabet soup, or you will have a vowel movement.
Onions are unable to store water inside them because there is always a leek.
What kind of tree does a chicken come from?
A poul-tree.