If you can't get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries.
What do you call it when a marsupial tricks you?
A kanga-ruse.
French people give me the crepes.
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal sized clippers?
Shear size.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite movie?
A. Planet of the Apes.
Why can't Woody play his guitar?
He doesn't know where his Pixar.
How do Yetis tell the time?
With a sasq-watch.
o my friend Justin was late for the football game.
But that’s okay because he arrived Justin time for kickoff.
What do you call a berry that plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity!
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
Did you hear about the new watermelon powered cars set to come out next year? Yeah, it’s too bad you only get a water-melon the gallon.
Why did the flower take her husband back after he cheated?
She rose above it.
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
What do chocolate, men, and coffee have in common?
They’re only good if they’re rich!
What do you call a snowman on rollerblades?
A snowmobile.
Taco Bell overcooked my food
I asked for a brrrr-ito and an en-chill-ata.
Egg-Plant a kiss on me.
All the jingle ladies, all the jingle ladies.
Why did the Easter Egg hide?
Because he was a little chicken.
When a girl saw a sad alligator at the zoo she asked him; hey are you cai-man?
Q. Whay aren't gorillas afraid of zombies?
A. Because the ape-ocalypse doesn't frighten them.
What kind of fish will help you hear?
A herring aid!
What is the similarity between my wallet and an onion? Whenever I open both of them, I cry.
I cut a dill with this spicy mami, but at the last minute she ginger mind.
Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?
He was Bjorn again.
Why did the fish cross the road?
The chicken had the days off!
How are zombies like computers?
They use mega-bites!
Where do cows get together?
The meet market.
"No eggs-cuses."
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
A honey bee lands on a flower but is quickly kicked off by the spider living there. Perturbed, he flies away and lands on a different flower...
It was a cross pollination.
A wolfswagon rabbit is by far the best car you can gift a wolf.
The Earth without 'art'...
....is 'EH'
What did the snowplow guy say when his equipment broke down?
Take this job and shovel it!
Why did the Apatosaurus devour the factory? Because she was a plant eater!
What do you call a rock that never goes to school? A skipping stone!
What happened to the baby chicken that misbehaved at school?
It was egg-spelled.
From my head tomatoes, I love you bunches.
I was walking down an alley in Scotland when I found a severed man's hand...
I wonder if he was kilt.
What do you call an eye that can fly?
A real eye soar.
What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass?
A wyrmhole.
How do Greek gods say sorry to one another
"I Apollo-gise"
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
I always feel like a winner in France, which is great because I hate Toulouse.
What is the only difference between a lion and a tiger? The mane part is missing in a tiger.
How do camels blend in?
With camel-flage
A fly fell down out of nowhere on my wrist
It died on my watch.
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
I have bean
thinking about you.
The reason the mountains are hill areas joke gets reposted so often is because it's peak comedy