“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
Did you hear about the panda that had a slight stutter?
Seems it’s a story that bears repeating.
Icy what you did there!
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
Why do old artists never die? They just put things in perspective.
Should you plant flowers in any month besides April?
May as well!
I tried looking up ice cream puns on the Internet...
But then my browser froze.
What's the similarity between a sailor and a thief?
Both have a phobia for sirens.
What’s it called your backpack messes up your spine?
Schooliosis !
Shell-abrate the good times!
Next time you’re feeling down, just remember: your plants are rooting for you. Literally!
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus
They say everything gets better with age.
My electrician friend accidentally blew the power to the ice-making factory. Now they’ve gone into liquidation.
What vegetable is not allowed on ships? Leeks.
A man once said when is Monday coming? His wife said Mon-soon.
Why is it easy for chicks to talk?
Because talk is cheep.
Where do gorillas keep their beehives?
Apeiaries.
What did the river say when it saw beavers for the first time? “Well, I’ll be dammed.”
When the well-read bird decided to open a restaurant, he named it Red Robin.
It was mitten in the stars.
I made a pie with a can of peas in. Pea-can pie. It didn't taste how I imagined.
The reason why bowling alleys are so quiet is such that you can hear a pin drop.
Hey why Are The Viruses All Gone? Cause They "flu" AWAY.
Why was the computer coughing?
It had a virus.
A piano player got arrested at a wedding...
He was trying to root the relatives.
What do you call a pastry that is a priest? A Holy Donut!
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo? A turkey that can pluck itself!
I got lost in the mist today.
I didn’t have the foggiest idea where I was.
The skeleton would love to see the latest horror flick, but he just doesn't have the guts for it.
What do you call it when Satan steals your guacamole?
Playing Devil’s Avocado.
Where do electricians get their supplies? The Ohm Depot.
I guess you can say my misunderstanding of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles
Elbow.
An unlucky skydiver's last pun: 'Ah chute!'
I ran out of toilet paper, so started wiping using lettuce leaves
But I'm scared this is the tip of the iceberg.
Why have a mer little when you can have a merlot?
Wind turbines don’t talk about much. They just shoot the breeze.
What do you call it when leprechauns get together after being apart?
A wee-union!
Why did the other volleyball team bow? Because they heard that the queens of the court were there.
What did Van Gogh name the ear he didn't cut off?
Van Stay.
What do you call a small turd?
A dumpling.
My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.
It was like love meant nothing to her.
When I was younger, I once smashed up a nest of heron's eggs.
No egrets.
What is the fastest way to make a setter angry? Each time you make a pass, tell the setter the ball is “Up” and then say “Yours!”
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
What do you call a gnome priest?
A compact disc.
A man is wanted for stealing tires off of cop cars.
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
Pre pear yourself for a bad pun.
Dad: Is that a pear?
*Dad points to pear on the kitchen counter.
Child: Yea...
Dad: Then why is there only one?