What do you call a giraffe winning a horse race?
A long shot.
How many drum sets can you store on a sofa?
One per cushion
What kind of luggage did the vulture bring on the flight?
Carrion.
Jehovahs witnesses don’t celebrate halloween
I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming to their door
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
It's really easy to learn white water kayaking
You just go with the flow.
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
Cell phones are a static symbol.
What is the favorite Mexican food of snowman?
Brrrr – itos.
What do you get when two giraffes run into each other?
A giraffic jam.
Did you hear about the croc and rooster that had a kid together?
It was a crocadoodledoo.
Being shellfless entails volunteering at the relief center during disaster.
Was Just showing my dad my new living space. He asked “what’s upstairs?”
I Just responded with “dad, stairs don’t talk.”
What did one cheese tell the other cheese on Valentine’s day?
Brie mine.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
Where are neurons put in jail when they commit a crime?
A nerve cell.
I slapped my violin out of anger, then I got arrested for domestic violins.
How did the tigers greet the other animals in the jungle? "Hey! Pleased to eat you."
Do baseball players ever wear armor?
Only during knight games.
I beacha miss summer already!
What do Ghosts say when they are impressed? - That was spectre-cular!
Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
Behind every great parent is a great kid. Happy birthday!
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.
What do you call a Roman with a wet mustache and a smile?
Gladiator.
It started raining coins outside today.
I guess it’s just climate change.
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? Hot, diggety dog.
What does a house wear?
Address.
If a young goat learns a martial art, are they a karate kid?
What do you call a field full of epileptic lettuce ?
Seizure Salad
Why don’t ants get sick? Because they have little anty-bodies.
I used to play triangle in a reggae band but I had to give it up. It was just one ting after another.
What did the vegetable say at the party?
Lettuce turnip the beet!
My mum made a chocolate bar out of peas. I asked if she could snap a peas off for me.
What is a wolf’s favorite time of the year?
The howl-o-days.
What do dog scientists to with their bones?
They barium.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
It might take a village to raise a child...
but it only takes a viking to raze a village.
What did one sea monster say to the other sea monster when they started their new jobs as sewer inspectors?
- It’s going to be a Nessie job, but let’s get Kraken!
What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.
Pilots would be very hard to beat in a competition, they are always ready for a-rrival.
Reading is a novel idea.
If you mix a ghost and a cow together, you will create vanishing cream.
Ever use one of those expensive toothbrushes?
It's breath-taking.
What do you call 2000 mockingbirds?
2 kilo mockingbird
How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.