What do crows take for their gut issues? crow-biotics.
Why can't you use beef stew as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.
The look on his face was priceless.
That look soots you.
Why did the elephant ask to borrow a suitcase?
Because he only had a little trunk.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
What is a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring!
My trucker friend was super excited about his new house. I asked him why, and he told me it had a really long haul way.
Which bat can hang the highest and longest?
The acro-bat.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle.
Why don’t fish play basketball?
Because they're afraid of the net.
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice. Nothing he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
Why didn’t one skeleton want to look at the other skeleton?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
How do you call an extremely soothing table?
A console
Does a water bed become bouncier when you fill it up with spring water?
What did the witch say to people who visited her house?
Come sit for a spell!
Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?
Why do psychiatrists study bats?
They want to learn about their hang-ups.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
What did the zombie get when she was late to dinner?
The cold shoulder.
My mom is really soup-rised at the outcome when she puts yeast in the broth.
Herb your enthusiasm.
Basketball players make good husbands. They never shoot their wives.
Busy buzzing bumble bees.
An egg walks into a bar...
And makes a real mess.
Everyday for lunch I like to eat two pears, and my dad knows this.
One day I saw him dropping two pears into a bunch of brown paper bags.
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
“Preparing.”
“You’re my soul Santa.”
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport? Plane Chocolate!
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
How does an elf get to Santa's workshop? By icicle.
How can you tell if a tree is older than your mother?
It'll be covered in grandmoss.
Swimming pools are just chlorified bathtubs...
What do you give a sick penguin?
Tweetment.
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
As soon as one beaver jumped in the river to search for his key, it got shocked, as the current was too strong.
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
What would a tiger running a Xerox machine in the back of a store be called? A copycat.
Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.
Want to start a Hula band that covers music by Poison.
Gonna call it Poi, Son.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Gnome! I can’t reach the doorbell!
I created a vaccine for apathy, but unfortunately no one seems interested.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
Did you guys know that dolphins attack seals for sport?
It's almost like they do it on porpoise.
When Mr. Mushroom saw Miss Mushroom, he didn’t hesitate to ask her out on a date because he had she was such a fungi-rl.
happens when you bother the parietal lobe?
It gets very touchy.
What do you call a boy swimming at the beach?
Buoyancy.
Recently I visited Germany. I hated everything in there. The people, the history, the language. But, oh god, the smell.
It was the wurst.
Who do elephants get their Christmas presents from?
Elephanta Claus.