What type of knife do chefs use to connect to Bluetooth?
A pairing knife
What did the Christmas tree tell his crush? I pine for you.
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
I was supposed to play the trumpet
But I blew it.
You better beer-live it!
What do skeletons say when they set off to sea?
- Bone voyage!
Tony the tiger ate both of my grandmother's parents.
Tearfully, I asked him why. He just looked at me and said, "They're GREAT!"
When is a car like a frog?
When it's being toad.
Why wasn't the geologist hungry? He lost his apatite.
What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.
What is a hair stylist's favorite steak? A flat iron!
Which trophy has the most glitz? The Lady Bling.
Scientist are shocked after discovery of a new african bee species that can keep on flying even after their heart stops.
Local tribes in fear of a zombee apocalypse
Did you hear about the cow that was lifted into the air by a tornado? It was an udder disaster!
Why did the tectonic plates break up?
It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
Why wasn’t the pig chosen in the football/soccer team?
It was a ball hogger.
Did you hear about the salad race the other day?
The Lettuce was ahead, but the Tomato was ketchoping up...
I got camping insurance....but if someone steals my tent in the middle of the night....
I'm no longer covered.
I am really broth-taking when I see the signer vomiting soup.
My mate had an accident and lost his ear. The doctors were able to graft on a new one made of pig skin.
His hearing is now quite fine, but every now and then he gets some crackling.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
I'm looking to sell my toothpaste collection.
Don't worry, they're all in mint condition.
One of my ancestors was once hired by Henry VIII to teach his son to play the trumpet
He was a Tudor tooter tutor.
Do you know how to get a raise at the bread factory? Try buttering up to the boss.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
What do you get when you mix a sheep and a kangaroo
A wooly jumper
My friend once used laughing gas as deodorant.
He smelled funny the whole day.
Autocorrect has become my worst enema.
When does a turkey go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!
I have been trying to write a new pizza joke…
But I can’t work out the delivery.
What do you call it when a monster gets mad?
Ogre-reacting!
Make it rein.
What breed of dog always gets cold?
A Bichon Freeze.
Why is it cheap to feed polar bears?
Because they live on ice only.
I tried giving my cat a bath and it sucked...
I couldn't get the fur off my tongue for a week.
What do you get when you cross a smurf and a cow?
Blue cheese.
"Someone's stolen the grass from my garden," said the man looking forlorn.
Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrush’s throat.
How does the Easter bunny stay in shape?
Lots of eggs-ercise!
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
What do you do when you're in a knife fight with a group of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
When I went to highschool in Italy my classmates were one year older than me.
I Skipped pasta grade.
How do you get into the mush-room? Ring the porta-bella.
Who wrote the fantasy novel How To Be A Better Baseball Player?
Ben Schwarmer.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
Why did Moses cross the Red Sea?
To get to the other side.
What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet? A UF-hoe.
What do you get if you cross a new born snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa.
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
"I make pour decisions."