Octopus ocular optics.
“How was your day? ” “It was tater-ible”
I stumbled upon people arguing about trains in my town.
I told them, what’s the lo-commotion?
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”.
We’re a cover band.
Pack your trunks – we’re having a pool party!
How do snails make important calls? On shell phones.
Why don’t penguins fly?
They are not tall enough to be pilots.
There was a fight at the fish restaurant last night.
Two haddock got battered.
How do you know if there is a Brachiosaurus in bed with you? By the dinosnores.
Why did the watermelon go crazy?
“He lost his rind.”
My Dad told me why Busch is the only brand of beer he ever drinks.
"It's the only beer that says it's name when you open it."
What’s a racehorse’s favorite clothing brand? Jockey.
Why did the broom decide to go to bed?
He was getting sweepy
I need to apologize to my fellow Californians for all the recent forest fires.
Apparently I'm the only one that could've prevented them
What do rabbits like to sing? “Every bunny was kung fu fighting.”
"Back that glass up."
When she saw all the madness around her, March said, “what’s all that bracket”.
"I'm dyeing to know what's up."
Treat yo'elf.
I figured out a way to chop onions without crying...
The trick is avoiding getting emotionally attached to the onion.
Why cant a dwarf be depressed?
Because they are compressed.
Did you know that camels can last longer without water than se*?
They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.
When is a car like a frog?
When it's being toad.
I told my wife to embrace her mistakes
So she gave me a hug!!!
I seen my father pouring chicken soup over his compost yesterday
I suppose chicken soup IS good for the soil.
As it snow happens.
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong? King Kong is more sensitive.
I feel like I have seen that ghost before...I must have deja boo.
Which sea creature gives the best hugs?
A cuttlefish
What do you call an anthropomorphic animal blended in ice cream?
A McFurry
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs and hang on the wall?
Curt 'n Rod.
What spread do astronauts use on their toast?
. . . Space jam
The strawberry went out with the grape only because he couldn't find a date.
What do you get when you mix a sheep and a kangaroo
A wooly jumper
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
Last night I dreamt I was swimming in a sea of oranges. I guess it was just a Fanta-sea!
I'd want to know why the winters are so cold in America. I think Alaska local.
What did the little piglet want from the swine?
A piggyback ride home.
What happened when a farmer crossed a chili pepper, a shovel, and a pitbull? He got a hot-diggity-dog.
When you cross a train engine with a strawberry tart, you make a puff pastry.
I'm making a new documentary on how to fly a plane.
We're currently filming the pilot.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
Why are trees so silly? All of their puns arboring and acorny.
Why did the robot decide to go on a summer vacation?
To recharge!
How did the grizzly walk in the snow?
Bear footed.
If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and leave, it could spell disaster.
Ship Captain: Guys, I need help. I don’t remember how to write 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I Captain.
Did you hear about the witch who got plastic surgery?
She looked really good afterworts.
I’ve been told that I need to stop making puns about meat… But I just can’t stop cold turkey.