What did the orange say before he started his new job?
“The zest is yet to come!”
Due to unusually successful harvests of chickpeas this year, the price of hummus is going to fall dramatically.
Buy the dip.
Why wasn't King Kong able to climb to the top of the Empire State Building?
He couldn't quite fit in the elevator.
When you come across a werewolf with no legs, how do you call it? Call it anything because it cannot chase you!
What is a strawberry's favorite music band? Pearl Jam.
Living on Earth might be expensive. But we surely get a free trip around the sun every year!
What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
The best punishment to give orange kids is getting them canned. This is the only way to prevent them from going bad.
He was showing off his new gaming gadget, "it has the latest peach recognition technology" he said.
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
Why did the lettuce stop dating the mushroom?
He though she was a pretty fungal, but didn't have mushroom on its schedule.
"I hate tacos!"
Said no Juan ever.
When do franks tell insults? At a wienie roast!
If you must cross a course cross cow across a crowded cow crossing, cross the cross coarse cow across the crowded cow crossing carefully.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
Defeat in soccer is only bitter if you swallow it.
Just a buffalo laying down, bisoness as usual.
Thanks to you, I’m saddled with unnecessary peelings.
What's the best Beatles' song to play at a coffee shop? Latte Be.
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”.
Why did the zombie lose his lawsuit?
He had no leg to stand on!
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
Where do recluses live in Spain?
Barceloner.
Every single morning I get hit by the same bike.
It's a vicious cycle.
What kind of evidence can a donut not take to trial?
Anecdoughtal evidence.
Why do hitters find it so hard to be productive when they are indoors? They always work on an angle to play outside.
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
Why did the computer leave the restroom crying?
It said, "it hurts when IP."
Knock Knock?
Who's there?
Hurricane
Hurricane who?
Hurry! Cane you jog away from the storm?
I saw an egg behaving oddly today.
It was probably just a bit egg-centric.
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
What is a gorillas second favourite fruit to eat behind bananas?=
Ape-ricots
What did the mushroom’s sing when they won the closed-cup? - We are the champignons!
An actor arrived for his rehearsal at the theatre.
As he looked around, an incredible feeling of deja vu swept over him.
Suddenly he realised the set seemed like a weird adaption of his apartment, the actress looked like an odd version of his wife, and the director sounded like an eerie rendition of his dad.
"Uncanny!" He thought. "I've arrived at a strange stage of my life".
What did the zoologist and the herbalist name their child? Tiger Woods.
The scientist was meticulous about his strawberry pies. He rounded up the protein content of his pie at 3.14.
I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck...
It was a camel tow
How did the herpetologist know he would be married soon? He caught the garter snake.
What color are military submarines?
Deep navy
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man.
Two trucks – one carrying strawberries and one carrying sugar – crashed. Drivers didn’t stop, and now the jam is getting thicker.
Where's the safest place to be in the zombie apocalypse?
The living room.
What did the first thunderstorm of the year say?
Hail to the spring!
Why does a lawyer tuck a suitcase into bed?
To rest his case
Trying to teach my dad how to put WiFi on his tablet
Me: You just have to go to settings!
Dad: This is just making me upsettings!
On the spot no hesitation! Gotta love him!
All the turtles wore turtle necks to the party.
Within the labyrinthine bureaucracy prowls the deadly Adminotaur.
What did the conductor say when he became a zombie?
Traaaaaaaaiiiinsss!!!
What speech did Abraham Lincoln give when he went to Italy?
The Spaghetties-burg Address.
I quit my job at the concrete plant.
My job was getting harder & harder.