The zombie had had a really long day at work.
She was dead tired.
You know what's cool about chemistry?
Endothermic reactions.
What do you call a paper plane that doesn't fly ?
Stationary.
What crime is an egg most afraid of?
Poaching.
How do koalas stay in shape? They do bearobics.
What's an albino crow called? A caw-casian.
My favorite sport is bowling cause I always strike out with girls.
What did the fawn say to warn her friend about the haunted house?
“Don’t go deer!”
I saw a joke about chocolate bars but it wasn’t that funny So I just snickered.
It's foolish for humans to try and take back the planet of the apes
Since they are incredibly good at gorilla warfare.
My chair finally broke down yesterday.
It just doesn't give a sit anymore.
What advice did the grandpa pig have for his kids?
“Don’t take anything for grunted.”
Where do gorillas go to after work?
The monkey bars.
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
A dull, dark dock, a life-long lock,
A short, sharp shock, a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a pestilential prison,
And awaiting the sensation
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
Did you hear about the broadcasters in the aeroplane?
They're on air now
When Julius Ceasar got defeated by Brutus in 'Battleship,' he said, "A2 Brute?"
What is the best breakfast cereal to eat in the winter?
Frosted Flakes!
I was at the Doctor's office
The Pessimist said 'The door is half closed'
The Optimist said 'The door is half open'
The Doctor said 'Confirmed case of Bipolar'
A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house. A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”
The realtor replies, “Brochure.”
Woke up this morning to a tap on my door.
That plumber has some sense of humour.
What is a dairy product like as a partner?
They’re your butter half.
Q: Who is Peach’s favorite actor?
A: Brad Pit.
I want to play my match outdoors so I can hit the ball higher in the air. I’m not good at persuading people, so I’m going to hire a lob-byist.
I am a huge fan of local cuisine, and cooking is my soup-er power!
What can you make with 6.02 x 10^23 avocados?
Guaca-mole.
Shake it like a pole-oriod picture.
Why did the farmer hang raincoats all over his orchard? Someone told him he should get an apple Mac
Scissors sizzle, thistles sizzle.
Did you hear about the battery and the volleyball who got into a fight? The volleyball is waiting to go to church and the battery was charged.
What can you only drink in the Middle East? Dust-Tea.
What's green and pecks on trees?
Woody Wood Pickle.
I recently got two German Shepherds. Because
I wanted some paw-dy guards.
For years I told my daughter she was half-human and half-mermaid... but that her bottom half was human, and her top half was mermaid.
I’d like to throw away my old can, but my pusher friend here says he loves junk balls.
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
Why do gherkins giggle when you touch them?
They're pickle-ish.
Whats the best cheese to coax a bear down a mountain? Camembert (Come On Bear)
What do you call a male witch?
Mitch
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
My wife and I are very competitive, but when it came to flamingo impersonation, I didn't stand a chance
She had a leg up the whole time.
What did the giant say after he ate Fiji?
- I want Samoa!
What do you call it when a guy throws his laptop into the ocean?
Adele, Rollin’ in the Deep.
Why do we enjoy wine jokes?
Because they're de-vine!
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
I wasn't making enough money as a keyboard percussionist so I started moonlighting as gun salesperson.
I go from glockenspiel to Glock and spiel.
Apples and oranges had a conversation one day. Guess what the apples were saying the oranges, nothing stupid, apples don’t talk.
What do you call a guy who believes in ethical treatment of spiders?
Peta Parker.
How do you wash a horse?
On a sponge-line.
My wife misplaced some of her makeup...
She said, "I can't find my concealer".
And I said, "Wow, sounds like it's some good stuff then!"