Why did the bus driver take a long break? He needed a wheel-y good rest!
What kind of fish do skeletons like to eat?
Carpals.
Have you heard about the guy who stole a truck carrying supplies of disinfectant? Police say he made a clean getaway.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
Old Software Engineers Never Die...
They just reboot.
What does the iron-deficient giant say?
- Fi fo fum.
What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life.
I got a new cell phone for my wife...
Pretty awesome trade if you ask me!
What is it called when a snowman has a temper tantrum?
A meltdown!
Why are bones so calm?
Nothing gets under their skin.
A group of crows drooling over a pastry is called a-tempted murder.
Spending time at the pool really floats my boat.
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes.
What do you call a meal from the moon?
A satellite dish.
Q: What’s a nectarine?
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate,
the greedy ape said as he ate,
the greener green grapes are,
the keener keen apes are
to gobble green grape cakes,
they're great!
A monster terrorized a village.
He kept doing it ogre and ogre again...
If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?
I got fired from the bomb disposal squad
Too bad, I had a blast working there.
My wife told my four year old daughter that she couldn’t use her plastic IKEA knife to slice mangos.
I said “Yeah kid, that’s just not going to cut it.”
The river fish went to the library and asked if he can get a book. The librarian said: "You can start by-rowing it."
Why don't anarchists drink green tea?
Because it helps fight free radicals.
Why don't the Maple Leafs drink tea? Because the Canadiens and Red Wings have all the cups.
Never going drinking with Train drivers again.
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug.’
What did the diamond say to its friend copper? Nothing, silly, minerals don’t talc!
What did the bat say when she was invited to dinner?
No, fangs. I just ate.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
What do Spanish speaking people prefer to travel in groups of 2 or 4?
No tres-passing.
What do bees use to build roads? Nec-tar.
Wayne went to Wales to watch walruses.
What do you call the process of naming the various species of dwarves, faeries, trolls, etc?
Binomial gnomenlature.
Shopping at the music store, my friend had to settle for a fiver saxophone ...
They couldn't afford a tenor.
There’s a hair in my wine. The grapes must have been fur-mented.
Eat, drink and be rosemary.
How do you get the most apples at Halloween? Take a snorkel.
As it snow happens.
What did they call prehistoric sailing disasters? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
Where did the hamsters invade the beaver colony? Hamsterdam.
Are sasquatches superstitious?
Yes, they always knock on wood!
My wife said we needed to have a serious talk about my obsession with furniture.
I said we could table it for now.
Why can you never use a serve receive pattern against a sniper? They’d all start running for cover.
What do you call the guy who chooses a suitable fortified Spanish wine?
A Sherry Picker.
What do you call a row of zombies?
A deadline.
And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.
How do monsters like their eggs?
Terri-fried.
Where do flowers recharge? At a power plant!
Why do gherkins giggle when you touch them?
They're pickle-ish.
Wolves love taking woofles for breakfast, they are sweet and amazing.