Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball!
There was an announcement on the news the other day, we've finally achieved world peas.
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
I sent back the soup served to me at the restaurant. It was not of soup-reme quality.
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
The farmer called his prize cow a bull-dozer because she was always sound asleep in the fields.
I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
The weather's getting colder, I really fancy some hot croc-o-late.
What do you call a distant shower sponge?
Aloofah.
We had a lively debate in physics.
It was a conversation of energy.
Have you heard of the garlic diet? You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!
So my blood test came back positive.
Turns out I’m full of the stuff.
How did the coconut hit on the pineapple? It said ” you are the pina to my colada.”
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
What do you have to know to teach a bat tricks?
More than a bat.
What happened to the skeleton who sat by the fire for too long?
He became bone dry.
A friend of mine was taking a bath when he realised he wasn’t a very good burglar.
What do you get when you hghyphotocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
What did the rock say to the word processor?
Boulder.
St. Patrick’s is all about the pursuit of hoppiness!
Where do horses get their weaves from?
Mane.
Why was the computer coughing?
It had a virus.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef!
Did you hear about the banana who went to the doctor's because he wasn't peeling very well?
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
Did you hear the Islamic music group who covered "I've Got You Babe?"
Sunni and Shia.
When I broke my brother's favorite toy, he turned absolutely red in anger.
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
What do you call dumb jokes at the beach?
Comic sands.
I bought a pack of those animal shaped biscuits,
but had to take them back as the seal was broken.
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he liked cool music.
How to spot the best mechanic?
The brightest bulb.
What did the Bluetooth say as the ship went down?
"Help! We’re syncing!"
How would you be able to prevent a summer cold?
Catch it in the winter!
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
What do you call it when the axe in your hand falls on your feet.
An AXEIDENT.
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back to port they can scandinavian.
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo?
“Hop on!”
I'm so Midwestern, it's in my blood
I'm type Ohp!-ositive
Why isn't your daughter married? Because a gourd man is hard to find.
If you're Russian when you go to the bathroom, and you're Finnish when you come out of it, what are you when you're inside?
European!
"We found eggs in a hopeless place."
How do you know the French Onion is Canadian?
Because the oignon est!
"What's with that fruit taped to your mouth?" the doctor asked. "Covid-19 prevention," the patient replied.
"You need a bandana, not a banana!"
What are the best kind of flowers to get your girlfriend after screwing up?
Whoopsie Daisies
Potatoes that are medi-tators maintain calm and peace even when uprooted.
What do Krakens eat?
Fish and ships.
What happens when an alligator drives a boat?
He becomes a navigator.