What do you call juice with no ice in it?
Ju.
Why didn’t the skeleton scare the trick-or-treaters on Halloween?
He didn’t have the heart.
How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.
What kind of cheese makes the best music?
Brieoncé.
Why did Karen press Ctrl-Shift-Esc on her keyboard?
Because she wanted to speak to the Task Manager!
The First World War ended very quickly because they were Russian.
I installed a sky light in my apartment.
The people upstairs were not happy at all.
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
Wind carried the sound of two people mocking each other to my ears.
I was in diss-gust.
Last night I dreamt I was swimming in a sea of oranges. I guess it was just a Fanta-sea!
Went to the doctor because I got a strawberry stuck in my ear
He gave me some cream for it
A narwhal is just a tuna-corn.
Q: What do you call a row of 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? A; Because he heard the cakes were rich.
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
What's worse than a SPIDER on your PIANO?
CRAB on your ORGAN.
I recently got a new job as a golf caddy, but I was fired after less than an hour.
The guy asked me for a sand wedge. I don't think he likes pickle.
What was the light bulb’s occupation?
He was a conductor
Why is a giraffe’s neck so long?
Because its head is so far from its body.
I love you a tot!
What did the rock say after it rolled into a tree? Nothing because rocks can’t talk.
I used to hate the electric blanket.
But the last few nights I’ve been warming up to it.
What did the jack-o-lantern say to the psychologist? I'm hollow inside.
My computer's favorite singer is A Dell.
What was the most famous bat comedy team?
Ab-bat and Costello.
The bread baker won the girl over because he kept giving her a flour. How sweet!
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
Open toad sandals.
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because the cows have horns.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
What Kind of Books do Rabbits Read? Ones with Hoppy Endings.
What do you call a horse that lives next door to you?
A neigh-bor.
What did one beached whale say to the other beached whale?
Long time no sea.
I hate going to the doctor because all he does is suck blood from my neck.
Do NOT go see Dr. Acula!
What did the happy realtor say to his client after making the deal?
He said, "Well, all's well that dwells well."
What did the beaver say after she slipped in water?
Dam it.
What do you call an otter with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
When the pitch is flooded, soccer players can still go on. They just need to bring on their subs.
The pot of coffee he just made is basically break fluid.
My teacher told me in History class to do some light reading on the history of the light bulb.
Why did the mouse stay inside?
Because it was raining cats and dogs.
What do you call a fast broomstick?
A vroom-stick.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
What kind of fish performs brain surgery?
A neurosturgeon.
What is a computer's favorite animal?
A RAM.
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong? Mistaken bacon.
How do you know when guacamole has gone bad?
When it turns guaca-moldy.
What did four of the last five presidents drink? Left-Tea.