What would you call a vampire who is into finance?
Account Dracula.
What did the pickle say to the lemon?
I relish our time together
Why do words and punctuation end up in court? To be sentenced.
The bus driver was so friendly and nice, it was a 'joy ride'!
Are you addicted to the ocean and ocean life?
If you are, sea kelp
Why did the cat want to learn to fly?
She wanted to try bats.
What is the biggest ant in the world?
An elephant.
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
What type of pool do mechanics like best?
The car pool!
Who carries out operations in a river? A sturgeon.
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
What did the mom say to her kitten when she caught him slouching? Paw attention to your paw-sture!
While browsing the bookshop, I stuck a sheet of A4 paper to my wife's spine.
She said she wanted a paperback for her birthday.
Hey shawty, it’s sherbert day.
Knock, knock
Who’s there? CIA CIA, who? CI ate your last doughnut!
You can forget about winning, princess. Because even Cinderella can’t get to this ball.
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
“Did you hear the forecast for Christmas Eve? They’re calling for rain, dear!”
What do we get when we cross a pineapple and a pig? We have a porky – pine!
Why do cows eat grass?
I mean, someone has to moo the lawn.
What do a mommy bee and a daddy bee make when they have alone time?
A babe-bee.
What do emo birds call their mouths?
Bleaks.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
Why are tomatoes the slowest vegetable?
Because they can’t ketchup.
There’s a girl on my art course who never does any original work, she copies everything.
We call her Tracey.
Where do players hide their marijuana?
Between the stash marks.
How does bread win over friends?
“You can crust me.”
What do you call it when a raven marries a crow? A conspiracy to commit to murder.
Blue and green stopped fighting because they had agreed on peace teal.
The only way bees can fly right through the rain is when they have their yellow jackets on.
My Dad drove a truck for 32 years.
He was terrible with directions.
What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
All stereos are so typical.
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
Why do mice have long tails?
Well, they’d look silly with long hair!
My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”
What is a snake’s favorite TV show?
Monty Python.
These ideas are too shellow, they won’t be of any help.
Q: Why are cherries never lonely?
A: Because they hang around in bunches.
Did you hear about the final remaining unit in the apartment building?
It was last but not leased.
Irish I had better jokes.
Accidentally ran over a French seal today .
Phoque.
What does a cow ride when his car is broken?
A COW-asaki MOO-torcycle.
Why are geologists so good in school?
They take nothing for granite.
What's the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?
Black eyed peas can sing a tune, chickpeas can only hummus one.
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
The rancher's Wifi wasn't working so he moved the router to the barn...
Now he has a stable connection
What did the upright bass say to the nervous guitar?
“You’re too high strung, don’t fret.”
Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.