What’s a pig’s favorite holiday? Ar-boar Day.
I sued the airport authorities because they misplaced my belongings
I lost the case
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a dolphin do some excellent tricks.
The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, 'Can you all see me now?' And they respond: 'Yes.' 'Oui.' 'Sí.' 'Ja.'
How do you greet a skeleton in france?
"Bonejour."
What do you call a truck towing a smaller truck?
A mother trucker
My friend keeps joking about the thing he has to wear to cover his mouth while he's exercising outside.
It's a running gag.
Did you hear about the guy who got a metal jaw replacement?
I think he just did it for a tin chin.
What’s a deer’s go-to ice cream flavor?
Cookie-doe.
What do you call flowers who are bffs?
Buds.
My friend impresses girls by drawing realistic pictures of trucks. He's a pickup artist!
What did the cherry say to the cherry pie? I really crust you.
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
Did you hear that famous blonde haired actress has been stabbed? She's called Reese, Erm...
Witherspoon?
No, with a knife.
How did the hipster drown?
He ice-skated before it was cool.
What’s the difference between a teacher and a railway security guard? One trains the mind, the other minds the train.
The only time a basketball team can chase a baseball team is five after nine.
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd!
Help!!! There's nobody steering this yacht!!
Don't worry. It's on yachtopilot.
What do apres-ski participants in white-out blizzard conditions eat for lunch?
Icebergers. BRR!
The computer had to visit the dentist at the very earliest opportunity as it had a BlueTooth!
How do you make a dog stop barking in the backyard?
Move him to the front yard.
When I was learning how to cook soups, my mum asked me to follow my instinct. She asked me to go with the pho.
Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory?
“Lack of concentration.”
What is the onion that laughs a lot and is small and white in color? It is a tickled onion.
Cherry pie can be a bit aggressive. Rumor has it they go around saying, “Hey! You want a piece of me?”
I took my dog's bone away from him.
She was fur-rious.
Britain’s most common owl? The teatowel.
What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?
Gu-whack-a-mole-e.
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
Why can’t your ear be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
Why did the magician have to cancel his show? Because he just washed his hare and couldn’t do a thing with it.
Summer's over; it's time to chill.
That’s a-may-zing!
What did the sushi say to the bee?
"Wasabee?"
A star athlete in Koalaville got kicked off the Olympic team for cheating. Unfortunately, he was diskoalafied.
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal
What happened when the turkey got into a fight? He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
I wanted to catch a squirrel but I didn't know how.
So I decided to climb a tree and act like a nut.
A Zebra said to a Lion “Let’s swap roles for a while."
The Lion said “ I’m game!”.
The weather outside is snow joke.
Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.
Where do bad beavers go?
They're dammed to hell.
He apologized for driving the orange to the edge of the blade
Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s Day!
Which fish can perform operations? A Sturgeon!
How do you know your dehydrated? You can hear your red blood cells crenating.
Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court …
The game would be cancelled.
It’s common for people with heartbreaks to crumble.
Did you hear about the troupe of gnome dancers that robbed half the city blind?
They had a good run, but the jig is up.
You ever heard the Stormtrooper band?
Probably not, they've never had a hit.