What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
Being shellfless entails volunteering at the relief center during disaster.
What is a Malaysian chocolate factory called?
Oompa Lumpur
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
Why do computers wear glasses?
To improve their web-sight.
What should you do if you see a blue banana?
Try and cheer it up.
The investigative journalist said that he would reveal all the in-cider information this fall.
There's this vampire who's more powerful than any other, because he can't be hurt by the sun
All other vampires pale in comparison.
What is one way to save money when you go to the lake?
Buy a “sale boat.”
You did a grape job raisin me. Happy birthday!
Noticed the ladies' restroom door was missing the 'W'.
Told my daughter that sign was a bad omen
What is a skeleton’s favorite mode of transport?
A scare-plane.
What does a trumpet and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
What did the first century Christian say about the lion that killed his wife?
I'm Gladiator.
I'm reading a book about a sadistic evil man who attaches ridges from boat hulls to his victims.
He's a mad keeler.
What's the difference between a high-hit baseball and a maggot's father?
One is a pop fly and the other is a fly pop.
If a crocodile makes shoes, what does a banana make ? Slippers
What do you call half of a centaur?
A per-centaur.
What did the icy road say to the car?
“Want to go for a spin?”
Jehovahs witnesses don’t celebrate halloween
I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming to their door
We have a great connection since you’re wifi-material.
What’s orange with bad hair and hears ‘boo’ a lot?
A haunted pumpkin with a wig.
Flat-Earthers hate the fact our planet is spherical, whereas Asgard is flat.
It's a Thor subject for them.
What do you call the Tooth Fairy in a lamp?
A Hygenie.
What reassuring advice did the meninges give to the brain?
"Don't worry, I've got you covered."
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
No! You can't force me to shave my forearms!
I have a right to bear arms!
Have you ever seen a baby dragon eating ice cream?
It'll melt your heart.
I just finished my masters in engineering with a concentration in adhesives...
Within the next year I want to publish my first book on tape.
How does the serial killer like his coffee?
How he likes his women—all ground up.
That raven is so stubborn at times, he just needs to crow up.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
How do you shoot a three-headed ghoul?
Bang! Bang! Bang!
What do you give to a sick citrus tree to make it feel better? Lemon aid.
Why did you act like that at Thanksgiving dinner? I yam what I yam.
What's Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy O'Furniture.
I wanted to buy a book on Albert Einstein's theories but it was on the top shelf...
It's information that's way over my head.
Where do llamas go on vacation?
Alpacapuco.
What is a cat’s favorite book? The Princess and the Paw-per.
What do you call a kids book about otters? Harry Otter.
Did you hear that the Lemon and the Orange divorced?
The Lemon was very bitter.
What is an elf’s favorite kind of birthday cake?
Shortcake!
How did Salvador Dali like to start his mornings? With a bowl of Surreal and milk.
What is fog's favorite drink? Mountain Dew
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
Flamingos are known by a different name when they dress up to go out – they call themselves glamingos.
What do you do if you spill maple syrup all over your keyboard?
Just turn off sticky keys.
Did you know you can make a really good music player out of a cherry cake? It’s called a gateau blaster.