What do alligators call human children?
Appetizers.
What's black, white, purple, yellow and blue? Sugilite, opal, and sardonyx fighting over a gumball.
Why does Elton John HATE lettuce?
Becuase he's a ROCKET MAN...
What do ghosts use to wash their hair?
Shamboo.
Why is it called Almond Milk?
Because no one would buy it if it was called Nut Juice.
What does a mom of a football fan hate the most?
A messi room.
Did you hear the horse and the pig are dating?
They’re in a stable relationship.
You did a grape job raisin me. Happy birthday!
Why did the hen lay her egg on the axe?
She wanted to hatchet.
Life is way better in sandals, and that's one opinion that I will never flip-flop on.
I introduced chocolate to milk. They did a chocolate milk shake.
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic
A new car has been launched especially for American cowboys
The Audi Partner.
What is the similarity between my wallet and an onion? Whenever I open both of them, I cry.
What is a pirate’s favorite’s fish?
A pirates favorite fish is a swordfish!
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
I know this bird who was excluded from his flock for being too big
He was ostrich-sized.
The viking Rudolph the Red looked outside and proclaimed it was going to rain.
His wife asked him, “What makes you say that?”
He replied, “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
Who fixed people's backs in ancient Egypt?
Cairo practers.
What do vampire bats call their friends?
Blood brothers.
What fish perform at the circus?
Clown fish!
What is small, has a long tail and works with the police?
A gerbil shepherd dog!
What do you call a dinosaur at the rodeo? Bronco-saurus or a Tyrannasourus Tex
How do pickles celebrate their birthdays? They relish them.
I tried finding the dairy factory last night, but I had no luck. I must have lost my whey.
My doctor forgot to document my blood type.
It was a typo.
What did the pickle say when he was told he was going in to a salad?
I relish the thought.
Why did the monkey like the banana?
Because it had appeal.
Why did the Cold War go on for so long?
Because Russia kept Stalin.
Today, my pastor started talking to the drum set during his sermon.
Boy did I appreciate the cymbal-ism
I whale always love you.
What do you call a happy rabbit? An Hop-timist.
Lemonade and iced tea make an Arnold Palmer. What do you get when you Mix Lemonade with a tea bag?
Benedict Arnold Palmer
Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
I won an argument about weather forecasting accuracy. My fellow debater's logic was cloudy. After his defeat, he was fuming and he stormed out of the room.
What did the koala write in his Valentine’s Day card to his girlfriend? “I love you-calyptus”.
How do you count cows?
With a cowculator.
You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.
You have died from dissin' Terry.
Q: Did you hear about the cherry that liked to explode?
A: It was da’ bomb.
What does a real cheese freak say when they come to your door?
“I’d like to talk to you about Cheesus.”
What do you get when you cross a lion with a parrot?
I don't know, but when it talks, you better listen.
What did the computer say to the other after a 16 hour car ride?
"That was a hard drive."
Why did the military use acid?
To neutralize the enemy base.
When dad died he left me his Subaru.
It was his final Legacy.
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."