Where did the bull carry his stock-market report?
In his beef case
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
Did you hear about the negative nelly who hates German sausage?
He always fears the wurst.
Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?
Because he was always spotted.
What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”
An immature pineapple is often worse than a mature currant.
What did the man do when he dropped his violin?
He quartet...
What's E.T. short for?
Because he's got little legs.
I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day
What do you call a kangaroo DJ?
Disc joey.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
Why did the peach think he was a pear for a while? He was feeling awfully green at first, but eventually his face became red.
What kind of horse does a ghost ride? A nightmare.
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?
Because they dropped out of the school.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you! and I want the whole world to know it.
The ancient Egyptian people knew how to prepare delicious jams. It was only because of their skill of preserving things.
The Earth without 'art'...
....is 'EH'
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
Gluten-free, dairy-free, fat-free – I love this new Champagne Diet!
“Feliz navi-dog!”
Q. How do you describe a deer joke with a screwed up punch line?
A. Bucked up.
What do you call a fat pumpkin?
A plumpkin!
Which author is anxious to write the book: Colorado Rockies, World Series Champs?
Ben Whayten.
Why do people like storm watching so much?
The lightning is quite striking!
What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?
Oh Sheet
Did you hear about the vampire who only had one fang?
He just had to grin and bare it.
What did the river sue for?
Beaver damage.
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
Do You Know How Crabs Get Around On Land?
They Use The Sidewalk!
A pine and an apple talk to a pineapple “Poor you, my friend! You are certainly adopted, dude.”
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
The basketball player sat on the sideline and began sketching pictures of chickens. He was learning how to draw fowls.
What do pigs learn in the army? Ham to ham combat.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
Did you hear about the vampire who tortured his victims with music?
His Bach was worse than his bite.
What does Father Christmas do for his summer holidays? Santa Cruz.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
What do you call a bunch of kids who spent all afternoon in the snow?
Chill-dren!
What did the clean DNA say to the dirty DNA?
Hygiene!
Why is cherry pie so legendary? Because it is history in the baking.
What did the swimming pool say to the skimmer?
Leaf me alone!
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
I was up all night wondering where the sun had gone for so long but then it finally dawned on me.
What do you call a pastor who wanders from town to town, looking for leafy green vegetables?
A romaine Catholic priest.
What says “Quick, Quick”?
A duck with the hiccups
Where did the garlic clove go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
Caesar accused Brutus of cannibalism. "Ate dudes, Brutus?"
Why are flowers so good at problem-solving?
They know how to nip things in the bud.
What did the flower tell his son before a big game?
I’m rooting for you.
What did the deer say when her crush told her a joke?
“You are doe funny!”
What was Hitler's favorite computer game?
Mein Kraft.