What were the ponies most excited for in the meal?
The main horse.
What do you call an alligator that makes others fight?
An instigator.
I'm not talking to my sister's spoiled daughters.
It's beniece me.
Why did the vegan go deep-sea fishing? Just for the halibut!
I told my parents I wanted to raise goats for a living, but I was only kidding.
How do you apologize to a sloth? BEAR your heart and soul.
Why do dinosaurs eat their food raw? Cause they don't know how to cook
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
Why do trees always walk so slowly? All they can do is lumber around.
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
Why did Mrs. Wine Grape run away from home?
She was tired of raisin a family.
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
What do you can an owl who's been caught in the act?
A spotted owl.
Are you squiding me right now?
What does a dog wear when it’s cold outside?
A pet-ticoat.
Why did the Easter Bunny go to the doctor?
It was time for his annual eggzam.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
Beer doesn't make you fat
It makes you lean.
A crab didn't help his friend,
he's shellfish.
What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes?
Ant-ten-eye.
Why was the horse sad she didn’t get the job?
She was flanking on it.
Why did the cow wear a bell around her neck?
Because her horn didn’t work.
Why did the firefighters bring a dog along with them?
To help them find the nearest fire hydrant.
It peels nice to be voted in as the most appeeling model in the contest.
I’m not lion when I say you’re my mane.
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
The public investigated a box full of crows because it was a murder case.
How did the hammerhead do on his test?
He nailed it.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
I thought of premeditated murder and a flash mob of crows came to my mind.
Why are leaves always getting into risky business? They keep having to go out on a limb.
A lemon says to an orange, “What are you up to?”
The orange replies, “Not much. Just hanging ‘round.”
A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.
He suffered from turd debris burns.
When the gladiators fought lions
it was always the mane event
Anything unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.
What do you call the dandruff found on unicorn manes? Horn flakes.
There was a flamingo in our garden for such a long time, we started calling it a flaminstay.
How do you wash a horse?
On a sponge-line.
Did you hear about the lazy flower who finally got his act together?
He just needed a kick in the bud.
Did you hear what happened with the sourdough bread? It really rose to the occasion today.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
What did one witch's cat say to the other?
You look familiar.
My coworkers brought me a bunch of cards to celebrate my birthday
Each one gave me one with a single word printed on it. The first said "extravagant", while the next one said "surplus". These were followed by cards that said "abundance", "excess", and "overflowing". Before I read any more I had to stop because I was overcome with emotion. It was all too much.
What did the two onions who were lovers say to each other before being separated? "Our love will forever go-nion on!"
I had never seen a horse that white. Perhaps, that is why it is called a mayo-neighs.
I had thought of a lot of good bread puns, but they seem to have gone a rye. I know the feeling.
It doesn’t help that my doctor keeps making fun of my broken leg. He’s just adding insult to injury.
Whoever discovered calculus sounded a bit derivative.
Why did the pineapple suddenly stop the car in the middle of the highway? Because it just ran out of juice.