What do Krakens eat?
Fish and ships.
What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?
Gu-whack-a-mole-e.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One—she just gives it to three physicists, thus reducing it to a problem that’s already been solved.
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
What kind of sharks make good carpenters?
Hammerheads.
What do we call a chicken inside a hot tub? – It is called soup.
What do you call a Yeti Gardener?
A hairy potter.
What do skiers order at fast food restaurants?
Icebergers with Chilly Sauce, on the slide.
why are the discarded papers that once held the halloween candy just like vocalists who have lost their rhythm, art, and poetry?
they are both empty rappers
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
The wolf really needed to talk with the skeleton because he had a bone to pick with him.
What do you call the shirt a neurosurgeon wears to every brain surgery?
His specialty.
Lesser leather never weathered wetter weather better
How do you hold a bat?
By the wings.
What are pigs celebrating when they celebrate their birthday? The day they were boar-n.
My collection of Swiss watches was stolen in Spain.
Adios Omegas.
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water?
They set a new lap record.
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
What did they Turkey say to the blade of grass? Nice knawing you!
Tie twine to three tree twigs.
Most people have off on Independence Day. Except fire.
Fire-works on 4th of July.
What did Yoda say when he turned a patron away for ordering a pie?
“Dough. Or doughnut. There is no pie.”
What do you say happened to an onion who got what it deserved? You say it got karma-lized.
What does a dolphin say when he’s confused?
Can you please be more Pacific?
Pumpkin Spice and Everything Nice
A detective was interviewing the victim of an assault.
The victim described the assailant as a leather box with a handle on it. The culprit was arrested 30 minutes later.
It was a brief case.
A strawberry screamed at the other, "Were it not that ripe, we wouldn't have ended up in this jam."
Why did the otter cross the river?
To get to the otter side
Why shouldn’t you drive with a vampire?
He will drive you batty.
Why people did not like the restaurant on? Because there was literally no atmosphere.
How do you stop a bear from charging?
Take away its credit cards.
What is a polar bear’s favorite food?
Iceberg lettuce and snow peas.
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with a python? A 15 foot strip light that can strangle you to death.
What do you call an elf who steals Christmas present wrapping from the wealthy and gives it to the poor?
Ribbon Hood.
I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
A protestor threw a bunch of spices on Jason "Pink" London, but all it did was leave him "Saged and Confused".
What do you call a horse running on a table?
A counter canter.
My uncles petshop really started doing well when he started selling parrots. They literally flew off the shelves.
If cheese were downloadable, then I'd try to throw my hard drive as far as possible.
What I'm saying is, I'd chuck e-cheese.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
Take a pitcher. It'll last longer.
What do polar bears have for lunch?
Ice burgers.
What’s striped and goes round and round?
A tiger in a revolving door.
An artist painted a wonderful fruit painting. It was a beautiful peach of work.
Why are koala's so sleepy? Because you just got to be tired being so darn cute all day!