I want to tell you one more painful phone pun but I decided it's uncalled for.
What did the deer say to his friend who has slipping down the mountain?
Hang on for deer life!
I was at my hotel in Spain and wasn't feeling well.
Reception said they had a doctor on staff.
The doctor asked me lots of questions and I was then feeling much better.
I told reception I didn't expect a hotel would have a doctor on staff
They said it was a Spanish Inn Physician
What eats nuts and bolts?
A squirrel that’s running late.
Bananas, for breakfast, are such an a-peeling choice.
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said...
Once upon a time there was this lobster...
Did you hear about the sheep's jousting tournament?
It was a real baa-lancing act.
Why can't inmates read a clock? Because it's hard time.
What do you call a dog from the Wild West?
Clint Eastwoof.
Where do dolphin races end?
Dolphinish line!
What’s a gorilla’s favourite pop group? A: Bananarama!
What always succeeds? A toothless parrot! (sucks seeds)
What's it called when a perfume climbs up the stairs?
Ascent.
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
Which front-office type is the most promiscuous? The general ménageur.
Tomorrow the planet will be one year older..
Happy bEarthday!
Which country do sheep go on vacation? The Baaa-hamas.
What does the fish say when she disagrees with her husband?
I don’t quite sea it that way.
Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest...
For I have synonymed.
What does the Yeti do when he is tired?
Himalaya down.
Sad to hear that Baron von Frankenstein has given up on his dream of being an actor.
He couldn’t get the parts.
What kind of beer can you make from a potato?
Spud Light.
What do you get when you cross a Tambourine with a Submarine?
The Salvation Navy
What did the flower say when he saw his date?
I think you’re dandy, and I’m not lion!
It was hot today and when I went outside I saw there was a line of guys standing outside the hairdressers. I thought to myself, "Such a lovely day to have a barber queue".
How do you get down off a horse?
You don’t, you get down off a duck.
A cheese factory exploded in France...
da brie is everywhere.
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
Which is the Richest Cheese in the world? Paris Stilton.
Did you hear about the loggers who stopped cutting down the forest? The trees really felt re-leafed.
What do you call a big queue of trucks, making cheesy one-liners? A pick-up line.
What do you call a reptile that works on a farm?
An irri-gator.
I've just arrived in Bulgaria. How is it? Sofia, so good.
What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?
COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
What did Cinderella Dolphin lose?
Her glass flipper!
Did you hear about the mathematician whose afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
How come old math teachers never die?
They tend to just lose some of their functions.
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Hide and Speak!
My sinks been on deaths door for the past week or so...
I finally decided to pull the plug.
As summer approaches, I think it’s a good idea to use two deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
What kind of fruit salad is most resistant to sunburn?
The kind with extra melon in.
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
How do you tell the difference between a rabbit and a gorilla?
A rabbit looks nothing like a gorilla
Why are apples afraid to grow in the United States? Because they don't want to be as American as apple pie.
I wanted to buy a book on Albert Einstein's theories but it was on the top shelf...
It's information that's way over my head.
What do runners eat before a big race?
Fast food.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
What kind of musical instrument do mice play?
A mouse organ!
I thought a thought.
But the thought I thought
Wasn’t the thought I thought I thought.
If the thought I thought I thought,
Had been the thought I thought,
I wouldn’t have thought I thought.