Why do cats have minty breath? Because they use mousewash
I broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.
Since then I've never looked back.
What did mamma orange say to little orange after he spilled his milk? It’s no big peel!
A chicken goes into a library. He stands at the librarian's desk and says, "Buk," so she gives him a book. A couple of minutes later, the chicken returns. "Buk," he says, and she hands him another book. This goes on and on.
Finally, it is the librarian's break time. She goes out back to get some fresh air by the pond. That is when she sees the chicken and a frog on a lilypad. "Buk," says the chicken as he tosses a book to the frog. "Reddit," replies the frog...
Did you hear about the artist that has been drawing very small, colorful noodles?
He drew an itsy, bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow, polka dot linguini.
What did one crow say to the other after the party?
We were raven.
What do oranges have after a hard work out? Juice!
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars? Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
Why did the cheese get in trouble?
It was up to no gouda.
Why do people sing in the shower?
Because the audience in the toilet is sh**!
Who’s a llama’s favorite actor?
Al Pacacino.
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
To the person who invented zero...
Thanks for nothing.
Who is the most powerful potato? Darth Tater.
Are you a card?
We're perfectly suited for each other
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.
They currently have nothing to go on.
What does a dog wear when it’s cold outside?
A pet-ticoat.
Why is grass so dangerous? Because it is full of blades!
What did the worm say to the other when he was late home? Where in earth have you been.
What advice would you hear from a zombie?
- Never put your eggs into one casket.
I stubbed my toe onto a piece of furniture. C-ouch!
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Caesars.
Many people think that when warm droplets of water in the air are rapidly cooled it forms fog.
But it’s actually a common mist-conception.
I wanted to catch a squirrel but I didn't know how.
So I decided to climb a tree and act like a nut.
What do you call a person who spends a lot of time sitting and staring at potatoes? A medi-tator.
Why was the nice guy such a lousy baseball player?
Because he never got to home base.
The only way bees can fly right through the rain is when they have their yellow jackets on.
Thanks to you, I’m saddled with unnecessary peelings.
According to Greek mythology, Chiron was a half horse half human doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
Why did the farmer feed his pigs a mixture of sugar, vinegar, and soy sauce? He wanted sweet and sour pork.
I can't believe I can't see the bottom of the ocean.
It's unfathomable.
Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
What did France, Great Britain, and their allies say after The Great War?
World War Won.
What does a Saudi bee call its bros?
Habibees.
"I just want some peach and quiet!," said the orange.
What did the wife beaver say to her astronaut husband? You are otter this world.
Why do blind people hate diving?
It scares the hell out of their dogs.
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
Why did the ad agency hire a hydra?
She knew how to wear many different hats.
What do you call a 2D fairy?
Pixie-lated.
Dear keyboard manufacturers, I'm writing to request a redesign so that g and t wouldn't be right next to each other. Retards
Why did the cat run away from the tree? Because of its bark!
Why do fish like worms?
Fish like worms because they’re hooked on them.
Let’s kick off shall we? I just hope that my unicorn puns won’t be too corny for you.
If an adult is called a unicorn, are its young one’s called puny-corns?
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
How do you tell the difference between a rabbit and a gorilla?
A rabbit looks nothing like a gorilla
Why did Dracula take cold medicine in winter? To stop his coffin.
Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.