If mom leaves her alphabet soup on the stove and forgets about it, it would spell disaster.
Why did the bat look for a job?
She was tired of hanging around.
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s sea salt.
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
I stopped eating pea soup. I gave it up for lentil.
When hydrogen got arrested they told him he had one phone call.
He replied: "Call who? I don't have a family!"
Why doesn’t Frankenstein go on airplanes?
He can’t get past the airport metal detector.
How can you tell if a crab is drunk?
It walks straight
Why are Christmas trees so clean? They know how to spruce things up.
We’ll have a ball.
Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?
Because it was over 90 degrees.
If there was to be a beauty contest bringing together all the beautiful mushrooms on the face of the earth, the porta-bella mushroom would carry the day.
How did the beaver build the insides of a dam using logs? He logged in.
Want to hear a joke about weather?
Actually, never mind. I'll just save it for a rainy day.
What does a witch get if she crosses a black cat and a lemon?
A sour puss.
I hooked a stereo up to my recliner.
Now it's a rocking chair.
What’s the best way to make a bull sweat?
Put him in a tight jumper.
Who named their daughter Macadamia?
A couple of nuts.
A French photographer and his friend from Czechoslovakia were visiting Australia.
Unfortunately, one day they got too close to a nesting site and were attacked and eaten by a pair of crocodiles.
The female ate the Frenchman.
The Czech was in the male.
What did the artist tell his greatest nemesis? I challenge you to a doodle!
Where do parrots invest their money?
In the stork market
What did the witch say when the door-to-door broom salesman showed her a vacuum.
I don't want an automatic. I want a stick shift!
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
What type of motorcycle do London Plane trees like to ride? Treeumph.
Water you doing?
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
My mum made a chocolate bar out of peas. I asked if she could snap a peas off for me.
I am cocoa-nuts about you.
What language do they teach at Elf School?
North Polish!
What would you call a jellyfish combat veteran?
A man o' war.
A soda can, a gas tank and the Greek god Eros walked into a bar?
The bartender shook his head, “Here comes trouble.” A patron at the bar said, “What’s wrong?” The bartender replied, “Those guys get together and they become cantankeros.”
An overworked elf walks into a bar the day before Christmas and orders a beer. "Hey look, everyone! It's an elf!" the bartender exclaims. "I'm sorry, but that phrase is now insensitive and politically incorrect," the elf says. "We prefer to be called subordinate clauses."
My dad said he wanted to steal a pumpkin
but all the stores were well-gourded.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling
Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards? They like to avoid the flush.
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
Why did the zombie comedian get booed off stage?
Because the jokes he told were rotten.
What kind of tea do wealthy people own?
Proper-Tea.
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid in existence? It’s pasteurized before you ever notice.
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
What do you get when you cross a goblin and cheese? Muenster cheese.
Are you squiding me right now?
My father is so cheap...
When we go to bed he unplugs the clocks.
What should you double check when buying an electric car?
That your driving license is current.
My mother-in-law never taught my wife to shave her legs without getting cut.
She didn’t razor right.
What happened to the baby chicken that misbehaved at school?
It was egg-spelled.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow-weenie!”
We failed to find the dog's bone because the owner berried it.
Why did the beaver stop cutting down trees?
The work gave him gnawsea
What do you call a cat that has a hundred legs? A cat-erpillar.