Shopping at the music store, my friend had to settle for a fiver saxophone ...
They couldn't afford a tenor.
Both tournament directors published the schedule at the same time. It was a draw.
Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu? Kevin Bacon
Who would win a game of hide and seek between a dalmatian and a tiger? The tiger because he wouldn't be spotted.
What is a cow's favorite deli meat? Bull-ogna!
Poor white splash.
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
How do you know a car is a good price?
If it is a Ford-able.
What did Snoop Dog need to get an umbrella?
Fo’ Drizzle.
How is ice cream as a girlfriend?
The sweetest.
On Mother's Day we went strawberry picking and made a jam from the fruits of our labor.
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse's mouth?
A mechanic.
My chair is missing an arm and a leg.
That doesn't sit well with me.
When the drivers ran out of fuel in the grassland, they refueled their tanks with grass-oline!
Don’t ask me why I love wine. I have my rieslings.
A crayon that looks like a strawberry is usually called a cranberry.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
What did the parmesan say when it broke up with the mozzarella?
Sorry but I am too mature for you.
What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes?
Ant-ten-eye.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
What’s the perfect gift for someone who is always raisin’ the bar? Oatmeal
raisin.
How does a Snowman get to work?
By icicle.
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets Jalapeno business.
Do fish go on vacation?
No, because they’re always in school!
How much dew does a dewdrop drop
If dewdrops do drop dew?
They do drop, they do
As do dewdrops drop
If dewdrops do drop dew.
The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.
Two skeletons are talking in a bar.
Skeleton 1: "Are you going to the funeral tomorrow?"
Skeleton 2: “Of corpse I am.”
My dog went on his first date.
But she was a mal-TEASE.
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
What is the definition of a slug? A snail with a housing problem!
How are trumpets like pirates?
They both murder in the high C’s.
Where do connoisseurs lock up their best bottles?
In a wine cabernet.
If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?
If you happen to knock down all the pins, don’t be overly excited. Spare us the details.
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, what do you get?
Arrested.
What do sailors buy to customise the back of their ships?
Aft-ermarket parts!
Gave my pet leopard a bath every day. Now he’s spotless.
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
Why is a baby showing the top of its head during labor a significant event?
Because that’s the baby’s crowning achievement.
Why did the aspen date the poplar? She really found him to be in-tree-guing.
Chuck berry was undoubtedly the greatest rock and roll strawberry.
I used to make lots of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.
I bought a wig for my wife, at a discount store...
Didn't want toupee full price.
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
What did the newspaper say to the ice cream? What's the scoop
I created a presentation on my computer but didn't use password protection...
Now it has visual aids.
What do you call a drunk person fumbling with their car keys?
A taxi
Why did the lettuce and the mushroom break up? The lettuce was pretty but the mushroom did not have much room for her in his life.