"Have a hoppy Easter."
What pillow set do the church organist and his wife have?
Hymn and Hers.
Tennis is a lot like waiting tables. The most important thing to get right is the first serve.
Why did the parmesan swipe left on the cheddar?
His pick-up line was too cheesey.
Why should the Sun get into a school? To get brighter.
What jumps up and down in front of a car?
Froglights.
I feel a bit bad for making blanket statements.....
They're my quilty pleasure
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
What did the dolphin do to the woman who was rude to it?
Flipper off!
What will you do when you will see a spaceman? You will simply park your car, man!
A drummer got a tattoo of a drum kit on himself
It was very cymbalic.
What do we call a scientist who specializes in pineapples? He might be called a pineappleologist!
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
The turtle had to cross the road in order to get to the Shell station.
I had a shell of a time when I attended the costume party as a turtle.
Did you hear about the boat dock that committed murder?
He’s going to be judged by a jury of its piers.
Being related to me is the best birthday gift you could receive.
Vincent vowed vengeance very vehemently.
While cuddling my girlfriend, I whispered "Honey, this isn't working out for me."
Then I rolled off the bed and started doing push-ups. "This is working out for me!"
We got the news of a coming flood today. The news was leaked.
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
Why do prisoners have PTSD? Cell Shock.
What do you call it when a marsupial tricks you?
A kanga-ruse.
I wood never leaf you.
What do you call a well-dressed ant?
Eleg-ant.
What’s a tree’s favorite dating site?
Timber.
He’s my pinch charming.
Where do pigs learn about magic?
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
Why don't squirrels wear skinny jeans?
Because their nuts won't fit.
Did you hear about the rich rabbit? He was a millionhare!
A gazillion gigantic grapes gushed
gradually giving gophers gooey guts.
Bad saxophone players should be put on some kind of public list.
I want to know if I'm living next to a registered sax offender.
Picking your favorite snack can be like picking the slowest turtle in the pack.
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a Martian?
An eggs-traterrestrial.
What kind of fruit did Avogadro eat in the summer?
Water-mole-ns
Why did the computer leave the restroom crying?
It said, "it hurts when IP."
When the ghost watched a sad movie he started boo-hooing.
What's the difference between chemistry and cooking
In chemistry you should never lick the spoon.
Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.
Lost on a mountain, you can collect rainwater to drink during storms.
Otherwise, you just have to make dew.
"Here for the right riesling."
Q. Who walks around the suburbs trying to sell venison meat?
A. A deer-to-door salesmant.
Our farm is haunted by chickens. You could say that we have a poultry-geist problem.
If you make a mistake of playing basketball with pigs, they will hog the ball.
Vampires can always Count on Dracula.
What time does the Wicked Witch have her clocks set to?
Greenwitch Mean Time.
Why did the pineapple’s phone die? It needed juice.
What do you call a small fish magician? A magic carpet
How can you drop an egg six feet without breaking it?
By dropping it seven feet. It won’t break for the first six.
What do you call a lineup of food with lots of garlicky dishes?
Buffet the Vampire Slayer!