Why doesn't the moon shave?
Because it waxes.
If Russia attacked Turkey from behind do you think Greece would help?
What is a dolphin’s favorite TV show? Whale of fortune.
It's a-boat time for a holiday!
What do you call a guy that has good manners, bad hygiene, and an affinity for word play?
PunGent.
Where does a pineapple and cucumber vacation? Somewhere tropical (tro-pickle).
My life-long rival just beat my record for deep-sea diving.
This is a new low.
I used to have a scuba diving business
But it went under.
What do bread kids say during hide-and-seek?
Bready or not, here I crumb!
What's a ghost's favorite makeup to wear? Mas-scare-a!
I gave my wife that new gorilla glue chapstick...🦍💄
It left her speechless
Which country do sheep go on vacation? The Baaa-hamas.
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. I’m not really a mourning person.
[Chips] This is what I call a chip shot.
What did a duck say to the comedian?
You quack me up.
How will a crow with a cold fever sound like? Caw-ph, Caw-ph.
Why did the corn stalks hold a ceremony in honor of the scarecrow?
To corn-gratulate him for being out standing in their field!
What did the river ask the beaver? "Water you doing today?"
What did the ghost say to the bee
“BOOBEE”
What did the nervous crow do? The crow proceeded with caw-tion.
Why didn’t the skeleton rob the bank?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
What dog particularly enjoys the sight of flowers on the ground? A spring-er spaniel.
While I was riding my bike, there was a big tropical storm. I decided to cyclone.
An electrolyte and a solvent are talking in jail.
Solvent: What are you in for?
Electrolyte: A salt charge.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.
What happened to the wolf that fell into the washing machine?
It became a wash and wearwolf.
Two tiny timid toads trying to trot to Tarrytown.
What do you call 2000 pounds of Chinese soup? Won Ton.
How much dew does a dewdrop drop
If dewdrops do drop dew?
They do drop, they do
As do dewdrops drop
If dewdrops do drop dew.
My friend, who's a geneticist and a rapper crossed a gorilla with an orang utan
That's his new mixed ape.
I tried to play a bass guitar once.
It didn't make much sound, and it slipped out of my hands and swam away.
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
Q. After the stripper is done, what happens at a stag party?
A. Deer-ty dancing.
I wish they’d change the scoring system, but tennis is set in its ways and doesn’t see the point.
What happened when the drummer re-recorded his drum solo?
There were repercussions.
What’s green and hangs from trees?
Giraffe snot.
What happens when a closet goes into fighting?
It turns into a wardrobe.
Tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”
Needless to say I was in stitches.
What do you call a low-quality Russian composer, pianist, and conductor of the late Romantic period?
Knockmaninoff.
I usually prefer cold weather, but only to a certain degree.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
A loyal warrior will rarely worry why we rule.
What did Betula pendula tell her little sister when she was annoyed? Leaf me alone, birch.
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal
My boss accused me of "acting the monkey" at work.
I almost choked on my banana.
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
When winter comes, this town turns into an iceburg.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a dolphin do some excellent tricks.
The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, 'Can you all see me now?' And they respond: 'Yes.' 'Oui.' 'Sí.' 'Ja.'