Pad kid poured curd pulled cod.
What do you call a gorilla who has been locked up in prison?
A kong-vict
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
I asked my Spanish girlfriend to make a to-do list
so she wrote down everything.
What is a frustrated mother’s favorite month?
I SAID NO-vember.
What do you call a dog’s back teeth?
Canine canines.
What language do they teach at Elf School?
North Polish!
Q. What do you get if you cross a deer with an Aussie Joey?
A. A buck-er-roo.
Which basketball team is the favorite at the North Pole?
The New York Old Saint Knicks.
Why was the Navy Seal sad?
He doesn't like the color blue.
Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
Where should you call if you find a bad cheese shop?
The feta business bureau.
What do you call it when a family passes down a turkey recipe?
Copy and basting.
What would you call a power failure? A current event.
My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
Q: Where can a tornado be jailed?
A: In a high pressure cell.
Q: Why did the fruit finish her homework so quickly?
A: Because the homework was a peach of cake.
A honey bee lands on a flower but is quickly kicked off by the spider living there. Perturbed, he flies away and lands on a different flower...
It was a cross pollination.
What is the difference between a cow that produces normal milk and a cow that produces chocolate milk?
A mootation
What happened to the patient who refused to get a much-needed transplant?
He had a change of heart.
What do cats read in the morning? The mewspaper!
Maturity is typically most rapid in a low latitude, where women and pineapples most do thrive.
What do your call a dinosaur with one eye? Eye-saur.
Why was the well done steak a terrible gossip? It wasn't juicy enough!
Digging trenches during the middle ages was seen as a great honor because it showed someone's shovelry!
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins
Did you hear the plum joke? A: It was pitiful.
You’re turtle-ly awesome.
What do you call a stunt rider from the 1200's?
Medieval Knievel
I was driving along the motorway one day when a truck in front of me shed its load of cabbage. Never slaw that coming.
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a mammoth’s tusk?
A sabre-toothed tiger.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
I hear Jake finally broke up with his crazy grocer girlfriend; never could tell water problem was.
Have you heard about the banker who drowned in a river? It was a river of cash.
What does a turtle do during winter? Sit by the fire and worm himself up.
What do you call a program that uses every possible combination to crack a password?
A battering R.A.M.
What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
What do you call a spinning potato? A rotate-o.
How many worms does it take to eat a zombie?
It depends on the size of the zombie!
What do you call a skeleton who rings the doorbell?
A dead ringer.
Moisturiser is good for your skin...
Let that sink in.
What's green and dangerous?
A frog with a hand-grenade.
The snowman's favorite side dish is iceberg salad.
What's a bee's favorite novel?
The Great Gats-Bee
How does cabernet like to travel abroad?
On a cruise sip.
I have a butcher friend in London. Last week he caught a huge sea creature in the river there and made it into sausage. It was the beast of Thames. It was the wurst of Thames.
What did the Australian cowboy charge for kangaroo rides?
A Buckaroo
My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning
He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.
I once dreamt of crossing a wide river...
But it ended up being just a ferry tale.