My barrista friend turns up her nose at instant coffee.
She's quite sankamonious.
I’m opening a grocery store that specializes in Swiss cheese and donuts.
I’m calling it Hole Foods.
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
What was the shark’s favorite Tim Burton film?
Edward Scissorfins.
Why can you tell that Theresa May failed physics?
She had power and time but didn't get the work done.
The pirate steals arrrrt when he has the chance.
Some people think prison is one word… but to criminals it’s the whole sentence.
What did the happy cat say? Stay paw-sitive!
Why are kangaroos so qualified to be teachers?
Because they’re kan-gurus.
I love you so fairy much.
Q. What happens when a gorilla has a melt down?
A. He goes absolutely bananas!
Where does a potato go to college? DeFry
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
What does a Clydesdale say when you offer them a carrot?
“Of course, my horse.”
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
I love eating glow worms
Especially as a light snack
Snow thank you.
People who use sleeping bags in the woods are soft tacos for bears.
Which athlete wrote the book, Jumping for Exercize?
Lee Ping.
My friend was killed by a 2 ton sack of falling chickpeas
The police verdict? Hummuscide.
What is a cat’s favorite type of bird? An e-mew!
What is a ghost's favorite place to work?
Ghoul-gle.
The ghoul didn't get his letter on time because it got lost at the ghost office.
What animal would you most like to be on a cold day?
A little otter...
The viking Rudolph the Red looked outside and proclaimed it was going to rain.
His wife asked him, “What makes you say that?”
He replied, “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice?
Nothing, he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
What kind of keys does a kid skeleton use on Halloween? Cook-keys.
Who cast the spell of sleep on Dorothy? It was the wicked witch of rest.
Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane?
OsMoses.
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
I once had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of carbonated orange juice.
Thankfully it was just a fanta sea.
Where does a pineapple and cucumber vacation? Somewhere tropical (tro-pickle).
I caught a fruit fly in the air and killed it.
I'm a gnatural born killer.
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo? A turkey that can pluck itself!
I’m in such a Henri to get to France!
What did Frankenstein say when he was struck by lightning?
Great! A jolt to the bolt!
I've been hitting the bottle pretty hard recently.
Still can't get the last of that ketchup out.
In the 5th month of every year, my aunt lets her pigs in the field…
It’s mayham!
How does a horse drink wine?
With a de-canter.
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
What is the best part of Valentine’s day?
The day after, when all the chocolate goes on sale.
Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock?
Because it's a little meteor.
Due to unusually successful harvests of chickpeas this year, the price of hummus is going to fall dramatically.
Buy the dip.
What does a horse call her best friend?
Her mane chick.
Why do spider-musicians always have such long concert tours?
Because they have so many legs.
Why is rain the best kind of music?
Because it has amazing drops.
What type of photos do neurons post to Facebook?
Cellfies.
Why are flamingos such good patients?
They’re used to wading.
What do you call a person missing 75%, of their spine?
A quarterback.