When my father complained to my mother for never picking or dropping me at school, she looked at him and said, "You are the master of drag and drop, my love". He's an IT specialist...
A chap goes to see the doctor with salt on one ear and pepper on the other. The doctor says, “You need to start eating more sensibly”.
I'm giving away my legless parrot, no perches necessary!
What is a bear’s favorite drink?
Koka-Koala.
What is a female "Douchebag" in France called??
A douche-baguette.
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
I'll open fire on anyone who says video games make children violent!
What do you call a pig thats wrong? Mistaken bacon.
Who's the scariest dancer ever?
The Boogie Man.
The other day someone made fun of my ears for hanging down too far.
Lobe low, dude.
The shrubs were gearing up for a fight with the grass, but they never saw the blades come in.
“Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him.”
I used to make extra money by selling illegal tennis equipment on the side, but I was approached by some thugs who told me to stop.
I guess they control the Tennis Racket around here.
Did you hear the one about the genius unicorn who aced every subject? Yeah, he was a real A corn.
Why did the banana go out with a lemon?
Because it couldn't find a date!
Q. What did the computer say to the cookie?
A. "Can I have your chocolate chip?"
I spent last Christmas with a bunch of soft fruit. I kept getting confused with the toast – they were saying “Eat, drink and be cherry!”
What do zombies call a battle between classical music composers where one of them loses their mind?
A de-Bach-le.
When the ghost went to a fancy restaurant, he decided to wear a boo-tie.
The French real estate agent was very upset when their new listing was destroyed.
He said it was chateau-strophic!
In the 1970s, hippies loved going to a Grateful Dead concert and getting toasted. That’s certainly the truth.
The river turned out to be a great party guy because he just went with the flow.
Was the koala able to complete the grueling 26-mile marathon? Bearly.
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
Why Was The Teacher Annoyed With The Duck?
Because he wouldn't quit quackin' jokes!
What do you call a cow that has 1 leg? Steak
How do recreational league baseball players stay so cool?
They sit among their fans.
My wife said she saved $5 by not taking a bus and walking home
I said, you could've saved a $20 by not taking a cab instead
Why are dragons such good story tellers?
Because they have long tails.
The reason lakes are bigger than rivers is because one has running water whereas the other water is merely standing.
If you golf on election day…
Be sure to cast an absent-tee ballot.
I'm not saying you're old, but if you were milk I'd sniff you first.
What are Astronauts doing when they do a mistake?
They Apollogize
What did the zombie bank robber say to the cops?
- You'll never take me alive.
Have you seen that awesome video of a Koala drinking tea high up in the trees?
It’s super high Koala-tea
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?
He wanted to go where no man had gone before.
I tried playing baseball in the fog today.
It was a bit hit and mist.
What gun does a military chef use?
A salt rifle.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.
What do you give a sick snake?
Asp-rin.
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
Why does North Korea excel at drawing straight lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice burg-ers.
What did the irritated crow said to his fried?
I won't talk to you if you don’t stop ravening.
What's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
Why do bananas like to use sunscreen?
Because they peel!
I was cracking some lame fall puns when my friend commented, "Gosh, you are acorny person!"