Within the labyrinthine bureaucracy prowls the deadly Adminotaur.
What do you do when your dog chews a dictionary?
Take the words out of his mouth.
What does a Muslim Viking say at the movie theater?
Valhalla Snackbar!
What do you get if you cross a new born snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa.
Q: What's a tornado's favorite game?
A: Twister
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
When you go with an army general onto a bowling alley, he will start bowling even before you enter his name on the scoreboard.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
I got fired from Starbucks for not changing the coffee filters.
It was grounds for dismissal.
I asked my nectarine friend how she was doing after her break up and she said 'It's the pits, man.'
How do you make a million dollars in real estate?
You start out with two million.
I hope these Halloween puns don't drive you batty.
What did the minotaur say to the real estate agent?
- Amazing.
What happens when a cow stops shaving?
It grows a Moostache.
I like big punts and I cannot lie
What do you call a socialite made of cheese?
Paris Stilton.
What would you call a singer who's really scared of medusa?
A rockstar.
There is nothing impaws-sible if you’re as brave as a tiger!
Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
Why was the dog such a good storyteller?
Because he knew how to paws for dramatic effect.
An astronaut broke up with his girlfriend
Apparently he didn't love her to the moon and back.
Which month can’t make a decision?
MAY-be.
What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An eskimew!
Lost at sea? I'm not shore.
What do you call fifty penguins at the North Pole?
Really lost. (Penguins live in the Southern Hemisphere)!
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
What are a submissive's favorite vegetables?
Collared greens.
My wife said I only eat white tasteless vegetables...
Well, not neciCelery.
What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
I've got no home, I haven't got control, and I can't see any escape.
I should get a new keyboard.
I met him yesterday, he was on his way to meet the counselor for a peach therapy session.
What weighs 800 pounds and sticks to the roof of your mouth ? A peanut butter and Stegosaurus sandwich!
What is a ghosts favorite soup? Scream of Broccoli.
Why was the piano laughing?
Because I was tickling his ivories
What’s a horse’s favorite dance move?
Watch me whip, now watch me neigh neigh.
Treat yo shelves.
We like rough sets. As long as you practice safe sets, there isn’t a problem.
After a good summer fling, it’s time to fall in love.
Check your shelf before you wreck your shelf.
When ghosts visit the seaside, they always get an i-scream.
Q: What made the green pea turn red?
A: It saw the salad dressing.
What did one hillbilly say to another? I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife. Best trade I ever made.
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
Don't fork-get your manners.
What did the copy machine say when it spilled it’s skincare?
"Oh no, that was my toner"
What do you call a girl who is standing directly in the middle of the court? Annette.
What painting is terrible at ever being happy? The Moaning Lisa.