What is a cat’s favorite Tom Hanks character? Furrest Gump.
I was going to replace the seats at my bar
But... I just can't look at another stool sample
Me: I think I'll take a dip in the pool.
Lifeguard: What ya got there?
Me: Hummus.
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
Why do cows have no money?
Because farmers milk them dry.
What did one cheese tell the other cheese on Valentine’s day?
Brie mine.
"Have a hoppy Easter."
What did the grape say when the bat squished on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
Name a rock group where none of the members sings or plays music.
Mt. Rushmore!
My lobster's name is:
Claude
What’s the first line of the pig bible? “In the bacon-ing…”
If practice makes perfect and perfect needs practice, I’m perfectly practiced and practically perfect.
I read a story about pig anatomy.
It was all straightforward until I found a twist in the tale.
Why isn't the the koala a real bear? He doesn't have the right koalifications.
What is a worm's favorite band? Mud.
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
What do you call a stoned, dyslexic crow?
A hybrid
My best friend said we're like two peas in a pod. I'm confused, there's only one P in pod.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
Why did the citrus fruit join the military?
“Because it was a navel orange.”
How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
Just finished my first shift as a lion impersonator.
It was a roaring success.
Q: Why did the fruit go to the salon?
A: To peach her hair blonde.
Q: Which basketball players eat fruits?
A: The ones who like to cherry pick.
What's a chess player's favourite starter?
Pawn cocktail.
A team may be talented, but there is no substitute to this, no train no gain!
How do Eskimos make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
How do pigs write top secret messages?
With invisible oink!
When one is Russian for industrialization, there is no time for Stalin.
I've just got my hand stuck in a jar of gherkins and I can't get it out.
I'm in a right pickle!
How do you know your eating rabbit soup? When there's a hare in it.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
Why was the skeleton stupid?
He was a numskull.
My brother turned into a vegetable.
I guess now he has fryngers and potatoes.
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.
Why did Frankenstein tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
He didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills!
Fancy a climb? Mount me in.
[Bundled Up Guy] This is what you call man coverage.
What do you get with surprise peas?
Wet legs
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
I was souper excited to hear some soup puns for the comic chef - but his performance did not excite miso much.
Why is the corn army so dysfunctional?
Cause there are too many Kernels.
What is a three toed sloth's favorite kind of chip?
Fritos.
The only thing that is black and white and has to be red all over is a newspaper.
Why do pandas love watching classic movies?
Because they are in black and white.
Last night, like every night, I dreamt I was half horse, half man.
My shrink says I'm just being self centaured.
The rancher's Wifi wasn't working so he moved the router to the barn...
Now he has a stable connection
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
I mist say, this is a pretty bad joke, but it haze potential.
What type of knife do chefs use to connect to Bluetooth?
A pairing knife