I went to the zoo today....
only to find out that some aquatic mammals had escaped.
It was otter chaos.
What did the witch get her cat for entertainment?
A cat-alog.
Beavers are the best at getting things done on riverbanks. They have their own waves of working.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Butter
Butter who?
Butter get an umbrella, it looks like it's going to rain!
The coffee shop owner was afraid. He wanted to know if the shop had ground to operate in the black.
What do you call a viking who is attracted to both genders?
Biking
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap
He was high on my list of priorities.
when I smelled breakfast in the morning it was bacon me eggcited.
A snapping turtle is a turtle that takes up pgotography.
French people give me the crepes.
What do you call an oriental cheese? Parm-asian
If a hole isn't full of water then it isn't feeling well
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
I wasn't making enough money as a keyboard percussionist so I started moonlighting as gun salesperson.
I go from glockenspiel to Glock and spiel.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
A crocodile tried to copy a rooster to wake his friends one morning, he went croc-a-doodle do.
If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
Which side of a penguin has the most feathers?
The outside.
My wife wanted to plant flowers
Problem is she hasn’t botany.
How do you spell banana? E, V, I, L. Do banana's drink coke or pepsi? Neither, they drink blood because they're evil.
Why is Mrs Mayo mad at Mr Ketchup?
She caught him watching the salad dressing again.
Which Nordique great has recurring ligament problems? Peter Spaz-knee!
What kind of evidence can a donut not take to trial?
Anecdoughtal evidence.
Did you know, you can actually hide a gigantic elephant in a cherry tree? All you need to do is paint its toenails red. I bet you don’t believe me – but have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? I rest my case.
I heard the government is going to put chips inside people with Covid vaccines...
I hope I get Doritos.
The chicken farmer died under mysterious circumstances.
The police suspect fowl play.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.
I waited over an hour for my cappuccino and when it arrived there was too much milk and not enough coffee. Still, better latte than never.
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
My wife and I went hiking and got lost. I lost my temper and she was so upset she threw the map at me.
Now I know where we stand.
A chemist plants a seed.
He takes good care of it every day. He waters it and fertilizes the soil around it. As it becomes a big and healthy tree, the chemist thinks to himself: What a good chemist-tree.
My girlfriend and I saw an inflatable gorilla In front of a jacuzzi store
She asked me why they would do that for a jacuzzi store. I told her it was a guerilla tactic. She was not impressed.
Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!
What do you call a banana who gets all the girls?
A banana smoothie.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
When I was learning how to cook soups, my mum asked me to follow my instinct. She asked me to go with the pho.
Soup is only musical when it is piping hot.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano? You can't tuna fish.
What is good at maths and related to a crocodile?
A calcu-gator
What did the alligator say to the other alligator that was in the way?
“Please move, I need to get bayou.”
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are on the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
To the person who invented zero...
Thanks for nothing.
Here’s the game plan: [party details]
With salsa, cheese dip, and guac, our bowl game is hot.
What kind of whale can fly?
A Pilot whale.
Let's pumpkin spice things up a bit
What sickness do cowboys get from riding wild horses?
Bronchitis.
What did the heart say to the brain before an exam?
You look nervous.
What do they do when the fruit educator is sick? They bring in a substitute peacher.