Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
Why do cows eat grass?
I mean, someone has to moo the lawn.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
Why do bananas like to use sunscreen?
Because they peel!
I once attended the saddest watermelon funeral I’ve ever been to. I gotta say, I’ve never seen anything so meloncholy in my life.
Why are leaves always getting into risky business? They keep having to go out on a limb.
How do you know when a crab's drunk?
When it starts walking straight
Don't even chai.
How do you make a telephone in the jungle?
With toucans and a piece of string.
Yule be sorry.
Somehow they knew I wanted champagne. It was chilling.
A lion would never cheat on its wife.
But a Tiger wood.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
I got arrested for the way I eat corn.
They charged me with a salt and buttery.
What do you get when you cross a frog with a rabbit?
A bunny ribbit.
"Cabernet. More like, caber-yay!"
Eggs - the original boneless chicken.
We've reached the point of snow return.
What is the invisible man's favorite shampoo?
Clear.
What is a dog’s favorite movie series?
Fifty shades of Greyhound.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza.
I should have used aloha temperature.
My wife and were on the sofa and I lean in for a cuddle.
She says: "careful I'm holding a tea!"
And I say: "and I'm holding you, so I guess we're both holding letters of the alphabet"
The only way athletes can stay cool even in a charged game is by standing near the fans.
What do you call a low-quality Russian composer, pianist, and conductor of the late Romantic period?
Knockmaninoff.
What's green and swims in the sea?
Moby Pickle.
I seem to have run out of tea...
What a catastrotea.
Can I have your last avocado?
Avocadon’t you dare.
What do you call the process of naming the various species of dwarves, faeries, trolls, etc?
Binomial gnomenlature.
What vehicle does T-Rex use to go from planet to planet? A Dinosaucer
It’s not often that you find an eye anywhere but on the face. Cows, however, have a rib eye.”
I saw a movie about a pig with no eyes.
It was PG.
Why won’t the mushroom buy a couch? - He prefers toadstools.
The hipster beaver denied swimming in the river. He said it was too main-stream.
What words do windmills live by? One good turn deserves another!
I used to adventure with a gnome, but he gave it up so he could focus on writing under a pseudonym. He became a gnome-de-plume…
Why do ghosts and demons get along so well? Demons are a ghoul’s best friend.
Metaphors be with you.
What did Beethoven say to Johann Sebastian when he was helping him parallel park?
“Bach it up.”
There’s only one thing in the truck world that is bigger than a tow truck, and that’s a foot truck.
My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.
Is tea with additional salt
Salt-tea?
I was attacked by a group of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
RIP boiled water.
You will be mist.
Why did the blonde skier only wear one boot?
Channel 7's weatherman said there was a 50% chance of snow.
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
A big black bug bit a big black bear made the big black bear bleed blood.
We failed to find the dog's bone because the owner berried it.
A family of beavers were walking across a river. During that time, the dad said to the family: “Dam it.”