I’m opening a grocery store that specializes in Swiss cheese and donuts.
I’m calling it Hole Foods.
What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music!
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
Why did the orange get pulled over while driving?
He kept peeling out.
What did the rainbow say to the pot of gold? You'll be the end of me.
What to give your favorite electrical engineer for his birthday?
Shorts.
Why do old artists never die? They just put things in perspective.
Dung beetle walks into a bar....
"Is this stool taken?"
What's the best hairstyle for a gun?
Bangs.
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
Q: What did the artist say to the dentist?-
A: Matisse hurt
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
What Christmas carol do they sing in the desert? O' Camel ye faithful.
A wolfswagon rabbit is by far the best car you can gift a wolf.
Some airplanes are so cramped that at the end of the trip, you suffer jet leg.
What does bread say to a friend after doing them a favor?
It’s the yeast I could do.
I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.
Did you know that unicorns live in New York City? I swear why do you think their called uNYCorns?
Why did the telecommuter quit her job? Because talk is cheap.
Where were the first orange trees planted?
“In Orange County.”
Why did the deer go for a run?
To doe off some steam.
I saw a strawberry with a gun, robbing a man. I am guessing he was in a jam.
How do you confuse a fish?
Put the fish in a round fishbowl and tell it to go to the corner.
Where did the duck go when he was sick? A:
To the ducktor.
What do you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers
Apparently my password needs to be capitals only so I've changed it to LONDONMADRIDROME.
Gave my pet leopard a bath every day. Now he’s spotless.
Did you hear about the butcher who got into danger? His life was at steak!
If I made werewolf puns, they would be howl-arious.
Did you hear about the birds of prey who opened up a resort?
It was for owl seasons.
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
Why are volcanos so nice?
They lava you.
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
Whenever the peach gets angry, it looks at my face and screams: “You are just a peach of sh*t!”
What do you call a waffle laying on a beach?
Sandy eggo.
Two tiny timid toads trying to trot to Tarrytown.
The frequency of bad physics puns on this category...
It hertz.
Why didn’t the skeleton play football?
His heart wasn’t in it.
The truck load of tortoise that crushed caused a turtle disaster.
I just heard that the government has made an amendment to lockdown to allow Father Christmas out...
It's called the Santa Clause
Q: Why did the fruit finish her homework so quickly?
A: Because the homework was a peach of cake.
Q: Why did the tornado take a break?
A: Because it ran out of wind!
Why didn't the ghost dance at the party? He had no body to dance with.
How many astronomers will it take to just change a lightbulb? None, they like the dark.
You have me greening from ear to ear.
When Julius Ceasar got defeated by Brutus in 'Battleship,' he said, "A2 Brute?"
What did one cherry say to the other cherry? If you weren't so tasty we wouldn't be in this jam.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any.
Our weather bureau is actually an umbrella organization.