What kind of doctor checks ghost poo?
A ghost-roenterologist.
“If you’re lucky this Christmas, Santa Claus will grace you with his presents.”
Breakfasts with my family always feel like a party because they're always making toasts.
Did you hear about the birds of prey on black Friday?
It was a free for owl.
Where's the best place to get information about eggs?
The hen-cyclopedia.
If two witches were watching two watches: which witch would watch which watch?
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
What did the cat say when he ate the clownfish? This tastes a little funny!
What did the beaver say after she slipped in water?
Dam it.
Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager managing an imaginary menagerie.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
I really hate rock puns.
My sediments exactly.
Which candy do astronauts like? Marsbar.
What did one mole say to the other?
We have great chemistry together.
What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.
What do you call ten arctic hares hopping backward through the snow?
A receding hare line.
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
This hottie has forever changed the film industry, and it starts with the letter P and ends with 'orn'. Reel your mind back in - we're talking popcorn!
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
Why don’t penguins fly?
They are not tall enough to be pilots.
What did the grape say when the bat squished on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
What's a pickle's favorite book?
To Dill A Mockingbird.
The chocolate couple decided to rent a two bedroom sweet for their summer honeymoon.
A man meets a fairy.
"I grant you 2 wishes" , says the fairy.
"I want a bottle of beer that never gets empty" , says the man.
He starts to drink. After two minutes he stops drinking and the bottle is still full.
"And youre second wish?" the fairy asks.
"Another one of those."
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
Which dinosaur can't stay out of the rain? A Stegosaur-rust
Where did Vegans come from?
Hummus Sapiens
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
What is a European dragon’s favorite food?
Swiss charred.
What kind of bird always gets stuck in the nest? A velcrow.
What did the fish say to the other fish? Pucker-fish!
What did Detective Duck say to his partner?
“Let’s quack this case.”
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
What did the deer’s mother say to her daughter on her birthday?
“I remember the day you were fawn!”
What is a 2000 pound skeleton called
A skeleTon.
How does a penguin build it’s house?
Igloos it together.
Why are werewolves better than vampires?
Werewolves don’t have a problem with steaks.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
Dog to Waiter: Are there any bones in this?
Waiter to Dog: Yes sir, why’s that?
Dog to Waiter: Because I really dig them!
Why are there so many ruts in the ice at the rink?
The maintenance crew must be slipping up.
What's the greatest problem facing Poland?
The four-ten split.
I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.
Well, that back fired.
I am fawn’d of you my deer.
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
Brother: "My friend John is in Greece studying abroad."
My Dad: "What's her name?"