I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
Who do vampires buy their cookies from? The Ghoul Scouts
What do you call a white crow?
A caw-casian.
What is an Italian’s favorite type of dog?
A ciao ciao.
You can pick your friends or you can pick your nose...
but you can't pick your friend's nose.
How do you know you’ve been visited by a possessed rabbit? He leaves deviled eggs.
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
Why did the pianist turn around on his way to the grocery store?
He forgot his Chopin Liszt.
What types of stories do giant sequoias love to tell? Tall tales, of course.
What did Snow White call her chicken?
Egg White.
I hate it when planes don't have free WiFi.
It drives me bored air line crazy.
Q. What does one teen buck say to oad another into doing something risky?
A. I double deer you!
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
Q. Which African animal is the oldest?
A. The zebra. 'Cause it's in black and white.
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog.
After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.
Why did the hotel staff dress as witches for Halloween?
Because they provided broom service!
What is the color of the wind? Blew!
"Did you hear how the baker proposed to his girlfriend?"
"Yeah, he told her he loafed her more than life itself"
"No, he actually told her how much he kneaded her"
Dolphins don't have accidents.
They do everything on porpoise.
How do you make a goldfish old?
Take away the “G”!
"Reti or not, here I come!"
Hot dog, I love a good meat pun.
What does a loaf of bread say when breaking up with his girlfriend?
You deserve butter.
Did you hear they are not making yardsticks any longer?
They’re not making them any shorter either.
I asked the librarian for the new book on erectile dysfunction.
She typed on her keyboard and said "It's not coming up!"
I said "Yeah, that's the one!!"
What is a butchers favorite facial hair style?
Mutton chops.
Why did the realtor buy his home right beside a porta-potty?
Because it was a leakfront property!
I can’t believe that during the attempted murder, John Crow, Russel Crow and Sheryl Crow were all in the room.
Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens. They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.
I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
How did the hipster drown?
He ice-skated before it was cool.
Why are blood physicians so rich?
Because blood cells.
If you understand, say "understand".
If you don't understand, say "don't understand".
But if you understand and say "don't understand".
how do I understand that you understand. Understand!?
What do you give a sick pig?
Oinkment.
What do you call a werewolf with a fever?
A hot dog.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
All punts are highly intended
I like to roll peas from the top of a mountain. I always start at the peak.
I was not allowed to do my stand up act at the mushroom comedy show. I guess I am not a fungi.
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
What do you call a lie told by a skeleton?
A fibula.
Which chicken is at the top of the pecking order?
Attila the Hen.
What do you call a freezing bear?
A brrrrrrr.
Did you hear about the 2 Tow Truck drivers who wanted to elope?
They got hitched.
Mushrooms always hate going to school. They feel inferior before the rest because they are always so spore-d.
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
How is the submarine doing at school?
It's below c-level
Why was the realtor in counseling?
He couldn’t get closure.
I love you and I ain’t lion.
What is a vegan Viking called?
A Norvegan.