The apple says to the pineapple “What? Go out with you tonight? It will not happen in a million years!” Since then, we have a crushed pineapple.
Tennis is a lot like waiting tables. The most important thing to get right is the first serve.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars ? Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
What do you call a diving dog?
A sub woofer.
Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece
What do you call a goat swimming in the sea?
Billy Ocean.
After a tiring day at work, my wife drew me a relaxing bath. It wasn't very smart of me to ask if it was going to be in color or a sketch.
Did you hear about the mathematician whose afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
How come old math teachers never die?
They tend to just lose some of their functions.
A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"
Why did the Sugar Maple have to go to the dentist? It really needed a root canal.
I asked the older woman at work what she is doing for Valentine’s Day and she said that she was taking her husband to the Cardiologist. The heart wants what the heart wants.
How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nobody knows because no-one ever watches the conductor.
What's the difference between chemistry and cooking
In chemistry you should never lick the spoon.
Where do connoisseurs lock up their best bottles?
In a wine cabernet.
"Chardonnay or should I go?"
Once upon a time, there was a king who loved traveling through tunnels. The people gave him the name: Alex-Under."
Bowlers pay a lot of money to play. This is because it is a bum per lane.
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
What did the apple teacher say to her student? Help me orange the chairs please!
My dad thought Cuba would be boring. He's now Havana a really great time.
We had made everything for the party and the groom came in, did a quick assessment and didn’t seem amused. “Orange you glad we did this?” we asked him.
Why did the zombie eat a light bulb?
Because he wanted a light snack.
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth theist.
What food did the Gorilla order when he went to France?
Ape Suzettes.
A narwhal is just a tuna-corn.
Why was the horse feeling a bit sick?
Its voice was a bit hoarse.
Why is a robot engineer never lonely? Because he’s always making new friends.
I had a rainbow for lunch. I'm trying to eat light.
You know why theater people say "break a leg" instead of good luck?
Because if you do, you'll end up in a cast!
Why couldn’t the oak tree make friends? All of the other trees thought that he was a bit shady.
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
Sometime flamingos get fixated on one thing, and it can be hard to get them to see things from another pers-peck-tive.
Mushroom puns are the best for any occasion. They are very portabella.
The builder beaver decided to launch a new liquid dam-building product, but the market was too saturated.
Leave poetry to the prose.
What do you do when a pickle wants to play cards?
Dill'em in.
What is a volleyball player’s favorite drink? Sets on the Beach.
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.
What's a pickle's favorite book?
To Dill A Mockingbird.
What’s an ig?
A snow house without a loo!
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
What is a definition of art theft? The haul of frames.
I got invited to a costume party, so I went as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
Why didn’t the baby leave his momma?
Because he couldn’t bear it!
My trucker friend was super excited about his new house. I asked him why, and he told me it had a really long haul way.
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
My wife bought me an expensive umbrella and she’s been holding it over my head ever since.