What do you do if you spill maple syrup all over your keyboard?
Just turn off sticky keys.
What do you call a bunny who was raised in a hotel? An inn-grown hare.
Sasquatch often gets mistaken for Bigfoot.
Yeti never complains.
Are you a locksmith? Because you have the key to my heart.
What does a kangaroo do when it gets Covid? Goes to the hop-spittle.
A truck carrying thesauruses crashed on a motorway near my house. All the onlookers were startled, shocked, amazed, speechless and dumbfounded.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
Why should you never throw a snake like a boomerang?
Because it’ll come back to bite you.
My lobster's name is:
Claude
After trying out floss for the first time, I couldn't believe how nice it felt.
It truly was a breath of fresh air.
Before I became a dad, I was terrified I wouldn't know how to be a good one. Oddly enough, it turns out, it's in my blood - I come from a long line of fathers.
How does a horse make paper mâché?
With newspaper clip-clop-pings.
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soot's him Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past? Because the present's beneath them.
Vikings joke
Why do West Virginia residences love the Vikings?
They catch theilens from their cousins.
What kind of gang violence is common among owls?
A drive by hooting.
Did you get a side of hummus?
It's a hummuside.
What do Russians call a bad WiFi connection?
Inter-NIET
Did you hear about the sign on the bakery that got everyone talking? It said “I knead dough to live.”
What streets do zombies live on?
Dead ends.
Why do wookies love chocolate chip cookies? Because they are chewy.
What do you call dumb jokes at the beach?
Comic sands.
When a lion takes a lioness from another lion, he kills and eats any cubs she has. You'd think he'd be ashamed of himself.
But apparently he just swallows his pride.
What did the patient say after that gave blood?
I feel drained.
I've invented a machine that prints money.
I programmed it to make coins, but for some reason it keeps printing dollar bills....
It makes no cents.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
What do you call a blessed blanket?
Holy sheet
When I refused to buy her concert tickets for the weekend, my 15 year old daughter broke down and threatened to cry a river.
I told her to go ahead, but remember that she's so self absorbed the tears won't even make it to her cheeks.
Someone just asked me to sing any line from "Don't go breaking my heart."
I couldn't if I tried.
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
What do worms leave round their baths?
The scum of the earth!
My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.
Where do polar bears keep their money?
In a snow bank.
What do you call a goat that acts immaturely?
A silly billy.
What's a frog's favorite game?
Croak-et.
What is it called when a tree has back problems?
ScoliOAKsis
A lorry load of pears has crashed on the motorway. It’s caused a huge jam.
What do you call a perfect submarine?
Sub-optimal.
What is a golfer’s worst nightmare?
The Bogeyman.
Big Foot has been spotted throwing tantrums and talking back to his parents.
No wonder they call him the Sassquatch.
What type of dog chases anything red?
A bull dog.
What do you call an emergency in the spring?
May day.
What’s worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
A centipede with athlete’s foot.
Why was the knight fighting the tournament with a sword made from cheddar cheese? Because the cheese was extra sharp!
What do fruits look for at a talent show? A berry that can really cherry a tune.
What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?
Hexagon.
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes.
Why was the actress scared of the deer?
She had stag fright.
Its hard being a teenage mother
Especially when you're a teenage male.
What's the sweetest moment in a hockey game? When they're icing the puck.
What’s a horse’s favorite animated movie?
Bolt.