What do you get when a dinosaur sneezes? Out of the way!
Q: Why does a hurricane wear a monocle?
A: It has only had one eye!
It’s the most wine-derful time of the year.
Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
Show your popcorn and coke guy at the movies a little appreciation. After all, he makes a lot of concessions.
What do witches' cats like to have for breakfast?
Mice crispies.
Who is the Easter Bunny’s favorite movie actor? Rabbit De Niro!
What happens when a cow stops shaving?
It grows a Moostache.
Let’s kick off shall we? I just hope that my unicorn puns won’t be too corny for you.
If an adult is called a unicorn, are its young one’s called puny-corns?
What do you call a witch that lives in the desert?
A sand-witch.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
Please excuse my resting beach face.
I hooked a stereo up to my recliner.
Now it's a rocking chair.
I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.
This rainbow is on its last legs, it's really hanging by a red.
Astronauts can't open milk bottles in space. 'In space, no one can. Here, use cream'.
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
What do you call an old snowman? A creek.
What do you call an undead bee?
A zom-bee.
Why did the larger car go first?
It had the right of weigh.
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
What do you call a deer that feeds on the blood of others?
Vlad the impala.
Don't even chai.
Why do old artists never die? They just withdraw.
What is the difference between pea soup and roast beef? Everyone would roast beef.
Q: What time is it when a tiger walks into the room?
A: Time to get out of the room.
What do drunk kangaroos play?
Hopscotch.
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
What's a coffee's favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With your Best Shot.
Why did the koala get fired from his job?
Because he would only do the bear minimum.
Mom: *Struggling to make a decision between 1% or 2%.
Dad: Milk up your mind!
Drums - You can't beat 'em. Well, you have to, really.
What is a witch's favorite ride at the fair?
A scary-go-round.
I like dillos, but do not support giving them guns.
I would never armadillo.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
What is a Greek dog’s favorite dessert?
Barklava!
It was pretty foggy outside today.
I shot an arrow in the air, and it stuck.
What did the Bluetooth say as the ship went down?
"Help! We’re syncing!"
What’s a monster’s favorite play? Romeo and Ghouliet.
What do you call a person really crazy about the moon
A lunatic.
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
What did the coffee say to its date? Hey there, hot stuff.
Why was the glow worm unhappy ?
Because her children weren’t that bright !
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”.
What kind of sandwich does Kissy the Elf like for lunch?
A wrap!
There are two skeleton teachers at school. One is humerus, but the other is very sternum.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
Why are Ghosts so lonely? They have nobody to lean on.
You are like my asthma.
You just take my breath away.