What helps a pirates hair grow?
Aaarrrgan oil.
I don't mind leg day at the gym.
It's just the two days after that I can't stand.
What do you call a loud conversation? A megaphone.
There’s a great new rock and roll cover artist doing the rounds at the moment – his name is Chuck Cherry.
Love the beach. Can I be any more Pacific?
I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.
I prefer the new system to reviewing line calls. When Hawk-eye came around, I breathed a big Cy-clops of relief.
How does a monster flush the toilet?
It doesn't, it scares the living sh** out of it.
What do you call four Spanish guys in a capsized boat?
Quatro sinko.
What do you say when you catch a bee?
Behold!
How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.
Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?
Because it wanted to lay it on the line.
What do penguins wear on their heads?
Ice caps!
What happened to the zombie that made him visit the doctor? He had a crummy feeling.
What holds the sun up in the sky?
Sunbeams
Did you hear about the crab who went to a seafood disco?
He pulled a mussel.
People gave the sun a rating.
It was only one star.
A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.
He immediately raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"
Why don’t giraffes make good pets?
They’re too high maintenance.
The computer said my password needed at least eight characters and at least one number, so I changed it to Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
Why are leaves always getting into risky business? They keep having to go out on a limb.
If tomatoes are a fruit
Then ketchup is a smoothie.
What did the broken hearted skeleton say?
After all to-marrow is another day.
Dad has a pet snake that eats the grass in his yard.
It's a lawnboa.
Why is it always easy for vampires to find their better halves?
Because it’s always love at first bite.
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $2.50. Deer nuts are under a buck
What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.
I heard Placebo on the radio. I actually thought it was The Cure.
You know what's cool about chemistry?
Endothermic reactions.
The hipster burnt his tongue. He sipped his coffee before it was cool.
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Don't eat with your mouth full!
Well, there are mixed reviews. People say the food is great. But there is no atmosphere or ambience.
Do you think anyone will buy the new furniture made by Apple?
iWood
Why was the penguin a good race car driver?
He always started in pole position.
How do you stop a werewolf attacking you?
Throw a stick and shout “Fetch.”
Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
I scored when I met you.
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
What did the flower say after he told a joke?
I was just pollen your leg!
What do you call it when there are two nuns in a drum circle?
a conundrum
Water you doing on [date]?
What does a gingerbread man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet!
Wine puns. They're always in pour taste.
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
I'm Going to Host a Boat Race.
The winner will get pasta. It will be called the Penne Regatta.
Where do Astronauts go to the bathroom?
Where no one has gone before.
Staying humble thanks to that fumble
I’m ready to shamrock and roll.
What did one cheese say to the other during philosophy class?
“I dis a brie.”
When does it rain brains?
During a brain storm.