I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
What is a pink bird's favorite kind of dance? Flamenco.
An owner of a pizza shop has just been found dead covered with pineapple, ham, mushrooms, and pepperoni. Word is that he topped himself.
The strawberry went out with the grape only because he couldn't find a date.
I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...
...but he really knew how to make an entrance.
I've been dying to go to Greece on vacation.
But all they serve is bar food.
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
What did the zombie say when he failed the exam?
- I didn't have enough brains.
Which channels do the asteroids like to watch? The comet-y channel.
How does spider man always come up with such clever comebacks?
Because with great power, comes great response ability.
What did the carrot say to the rabbit? Do you want to grab a bite?
What happened to the girl's phone when she was getting a perm done? She got a frizzy signal.
I came across an injured flamingo the other day. I tried to help, but luckily it was already receiving medical tweetment.
I was at the Doctor's office
The Pessimist said 'The door is half closed'
The Optimist said 'The door is half open'
The Doctor said 'Confirmed case of Bipolar'
What did Sophocles call his dating service in Ancient Greece?
Oedipal Arrangements.
A werewolf's favorite day of the week is Moonday.
In the last peach race, I put $30 peach way on two new racers.
Why are Ghosts so lonely? They have nobody to lean on.
What did the hippocampus say during its retirement speech?
"Thanks for the memories."
My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.
How do deer clean their feet?
Hoof paste.
What do gnome allergy sufferers call a reaction caused by daisy-like flowers?
An aster-risk.
What do you call a tree with no tinsel, baubles, or topping?
A tree.
Vegetarians can't eat anything with beans in. They don't eat food with a pulse.
What did the deer’s mother say to her daughter on her birthday?
“I remember the day you were fawn!”
What is the car dealership in Star Wars called?
The Mazda-lorian
Why did the artist get into a heated argument with the gallery curator? He just wasn't in the right frame of mind.
Accidentally ran over a French seal today .
Phoque.
My father and grandfather work for the DMV.
I come from a long line of long lines.
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
I created a vaccine for apathy, but unfortunately no one seems interested.
The price of candy at the movie theater is quite ridiculous. They're always raisinet!
What did the Egyptian Pharaoh do when he got caught in traffic?
ANKH ANKH!!
Why did the kid pursue scuba diving?
Because all his grades are below C-level.
I'm Going to Host a Boat Race.
The winner will get pasta. It will be called the Penne Regatta.
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
American cherries generally do pretty well at high school. Many of them end up on the cherryleading squad.
How many peaches can you fit inside two cans? It depends how big the Toucans are and if they eat peaches.
How did the swim team manage to pay for new pool renovations?
They pool-ed their resources!
What did the river sue for?
Beaver damage.
What does a mommy cherry say to her children? I love you cherry much.
I left my job at the keyboard factory today. To be honest, I had been looking for an Escape for a while.
I'm a fairy.
My name's Nuff. Fair enough.
RIP to Boiled Water.
You will be sorely mist.
Why do physics professors prefer overweight students?
They have greater potential.
My friend’s parrot lost his beak in a fan accident and he wanted to find a prosthetic. I sent him to my Uncle Tony.
He fits the bill.
I told my boss, "Sorry I'm late. I was having computer issues."
Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. It's my laptop.
What's more impressive than a talking fish?
A spelling bee.
"Egg-ceedingly good, wouldn't you say?"
Why are trees a popular Christmas decoration? They look good in boughs.