What did one raindrop say to the other raindrop?
“My plop is bigger than your plop.”
What’s the difference between a horse and wet weather?
One reigns up and the other rains down.
Why did the mommy and daddy werewolves call their son “Camera”?
Because he was always snapping at things!
Is it true that a dinosaur won't attack if you hold a tree branch? That depends on how fast you carry it!
Why are hands so reliable?
Because you can always count on them.
My dad hates the ocean, but the other day he bought a boat.
He never could resist a good sail.
You were mauled by a gang of squirrels. You want to sue them but no lawyer wants to take your case. Why?
They think you are nuts.
How does the spinal cord hammer a nail into a wall?
With a series of spinal taps.
How does a bomb choose not to go off?
It refuses.
Why did the sailor throw a penny into the whale’s mouth?
The sailor thought he was was a wishing whale!
"Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.
Neil before me."
Called in sick to work one day complaining about my eyes.
When they asked what's wrong I said:
“I just can’t see myself coming in to work today.”
Q. Where can you view sculptures and paintings created by deer?
A. At the art moose-seum.
What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak? Mouse code!
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
I got a valentine from a pickle today...
It meant a great dill to me.
Keep calm and carrot on.
Does February like March?
No, but April May.
Why did the cheerleader add extra salt to her food in the summer?
She wanted to do summer-salts.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
Are you a beaver? ‘Cause dam.
It’s raining cats and dogs today - I just hope it doesn’t rain deer!
How do you know if a spine finds you funny?
It starts cracking up.
The magazine my daughter gets each month always smells like perfume. I wondered aloud if they scent it.
Then I realized, of course they sent it. Otherwise it would have never come.
Where was the first donut cooked?
In Greece.
The abdominal snowman is just a snowman with a six-pack.
When the storm begun, the garden party became a bit disorganized and food service was turned to a frost come frost served.
My wife was watching me do some DIY and she said I hammer like lightning.
I never strike in the same place twice.
What do you call the shirt a neurosurgeon wears to every brain surgery?
His specialty.
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
The local zoo just started a recycling collection program to support its mission: 'When you bring in one can, you can save Toucans.'
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
As summer approaches, I think it’s a good idea to use two deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
What do you say to comfort a grammar teacher?
They’re, there, their.
What kind of keys does a kid skeleton use on Halloween? Cook-keys.
This foundation is rock salad.
Soviet goaltenders got their hair cut at Vladislav's Tress-shack.
What did the last of the zombies say to the survivers of the apocalypse?
- It’s been a living hell with you guys around.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
Did you hear about the bank that wanted to put an ATM up a tree? If it works, they are going to expand the idea to other branches.
The fruit politician is losing its support in the country because of hate peach.
What do you call a 2D fairy?
Pixie-lated.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
Why did the firefighters bring a dog along with them?
To help them find the nearest fire hydrant.
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
A bear's least favorite pastry at any party is the blue bear-y pie.
Did You Hear About The Duck With A Drug Problem?
He was a quackhead.
Friend of mine got sacked as a set designer for not producing anything. He didn't make a scene.
Who makes dinosaur clothes? dino-sewer.
Flamingoes have a special name for one of their numbers who has passed away. They call it flamingone.