Never fart in an apple store
They don't have windows.
What did the zombie get when she was late to dinner?
The cold shoulder.
My daughter was just complaining about washing dishes by hand
I told her, “well... it’s better than washing them by foot.”
What’s a Spanish vampire’s favorite dance?
The Fang-dango.
What do tigers sing at Christmas?
Jungle bells! Jungle bells!
I went to a restaurant and had a salad. Afterward, I got an intense pain in my stomach. I visited the doctor and he told me that I had grass-troentiritis.
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin.
I told him I'd gourd it with my life.
What sound does a bouncy plane make?
Boeing.
What type of dog can use a phone?
A dial-matian.
The chicken farmer died under mysterious circumstances.
The police suspect fowl play.
How do you know you in "love" with spicy food? After getting to third basil.
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs bunny
What do you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman? A dead ringer.
How did the sheep farmer become best in his field?
Shear luck.
I just caught a walking pear tree...
In my Pear Ent trap.
Why did the worm cross the playground?
To get to the underground slide!
What did the pumpkin say to the jar? Soon I will be ajar too.
Q. Why are big gorilla turds always so stinking tired?
A. Because they're all pooped out!
What does a dog love to eat while watching a movie?
Pupcorn.
Where do squirrels go when they have a nervous breakdown?
To the nut-house.
What did the peanut say to the cashew after their argument?
Imma cashew outside!
My grand father always said "fight Fire with Fire".
He was a great man but a terrible Fireman
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said it was jammed.
How is divorce like espresso? It's bitter and expensive.
I went to a mosquito themed restaurant.
It wasn't very good, though. After a few bites I got up and left.
What is a cyclops' favorite winter activity?
Sking. That's like skiing, but only with one eye.
Who is the corniest baseball player of all time?
Ty Cobb!
Why did the two puns go to camp together?
They wanted to be pun-kmates!
The police came to arrest me after I tried to play my cat like a violin
They are charging me with Kitty Fiddling.
Changed my password to fortnight but apparently that's two week.
What do you get if you cross an alligator with a flower?
I don’t know, but I will not smell it!
What happened to the skeleton who sat by the fire for too long?
He became bone dry.
What do you call a dinosaurs fart? "A blast from the past"
The two slices of bread decided to leave the bakery. I heard that they wanted to grow mold together.
Why don’t giraffes make good pets?
They’re too high maintenance.
I’m chocolate to my appointment!
Me and my ears hate badminton so much
It's making a racket.
What can you do if you are the ocean?
Watever you want.
What do crows read? Cawmics.
One should never mix oranges in apple juice. Well, perhaps you may do it once in a blue moon.
What do you call an alien with three eyes?
An aliiien.
What’s Frankenstein’s favorite food?
Frankenfurters.
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a crocodile.
A funeral.
I started dating a girl I really like. She's really into bees.
I think she's a keeper
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
A team of mushrooms was playing basketball against a team of cabbages. The mushrooms won. Everyone cheered for the champignons.
A prankster played a really dark and dim-witted joke at the theatre. He turned off the lights.
When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws.
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
How did the hotdog ask the ketchup out?
He mustard up the courage.