My friend went bald years ago, but still carries his old comb with him.
He just can’t part with it.
Why does the skeleton wear skinny jeans?
Because it’s got a marrow waistline.
The last time I wanted to go bowling, all the pins were on strike. So I just stayed at home and watched TV instead.
How did the Mother Banana spoil the Baby Banana? She left him out in the sun too long.
Why can’t your ear be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
"Hey there, hop stuff."
While walking down the plains of the river, I lost my footing and got hit on my head. Now my head is swimming.
I need more soap puns!
Because all the good ones keep slipping through my fingers.
Wife dropped a jar of pickles upon opening the fridge; glass and pickle juice went all over the kitchen floor.
Me: Don't worry, it's not a big dill.
What do you get when you have a bunch of moles acting like idiots?
A bunch of mole-asses
I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.
She's made of auntie matter.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
I bought some clear, liquid hand-soap today.
Got home and realized that I can't use it...
My hands are solid, and opaque.
What money do zombies use?
Crypt-o-currency.
What cheese surrounds a medieval castle? Moatzeralla
What kind of jewelry do witches wear?
Charm bracelets.
It’s snow joke.
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
What do crows read? Cawmics.
What did the WiFi router say when it was unplugged?
"Tell my wifi love her
Bowlers pay a lot of money to play. This is because it is a bum per lane.
What happened when the bat swallowed the alarm-clock?
She turned into a ding-bat.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked.
What did one Viking war paint say to the other?
Poly, you're a Thane.
You’re wine in a million.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
How did Reese eat her ice cream? Witherspoon.
When ghosts visit the seaside, they always get an i-scream.
What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick? Designer jeans.
What do you call a bunch of zombie chickens?
The Bu-gawking Dead
She saw Sharif’s shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure those were Sharif’s shoes she saw?
The only kind of Rock music that the Pilgrims were fond of was Plymouth Rock.
What's more impressive than a talking fish?
A spelling bee.
Before I ducked out to the shops, my wife asked me to put ketchup on the shipping list.
Now I can't read it.
When moving a piece of furniture at the weather station, you'll be needing four casters.
Our love started with a Hershey’s Kiss.
What kind of cheese do rodents like?
Mousearella.
Why was the pig a pathological liar? It’s a porcine-ality disorder.
Where do horses go on vacation?
Flankfurt.
Why are Scandinavians the fastest runners in the world?
Because they start out near the Finnish line.
If you drop your white shirt in the Red Sea, what will it become?
Wet
What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?
The strength of the communion wine.
Did you hear about the woman who complained about her rabbit stew? She said there was a hare in her soup.
Why did the cat keep meow-ing? It didn’t want to be fur-gotten.
Cows wear bells around their necks because it is moooo-sic to the farmer’s ears.
What’s every ice cream parlor owner’s side hustle?
Sundae school teacher.
Me and my sister used to be like peas in a pod, but recently she's become too snap-pea.
I rode my bike so much, I had to put a new set of wheels on it. I was about to put a third set on it, but the old bike didn’t work anymore. which is understandable. The bike was already retired.
I don’t want naan of that. Neither do I!
The man next to her on the train spilled coffee all over her shirt. She responded by showing him dis-stain.