Summer's over; it's time to chill.
My Asian neighbor owns a T-shirt company where he colors white shirts. I think it's a Thai Dye T-shirt company.
Q: How does a tiger stop a video?
A: By pressing paws.
"Wine a little, laugh a lot."
A cream-filled donut and an eclair decided to get a divorce.
It’s a sad story, but the real victims are their children. They’re in for a grueling custardy battle.
Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.
Choreographers are always hard to get in touch with because they are always blocking you.
Why did the orange lose his job at the factory? He didn’t concentrate.
What is the strongest creature in the ocean? A mussel!
My wife: Oh look, here's instructions on building a carpenter bee trap.
Me: Shouldn't they be able to do that themselves?
Why is corn popular around Halloween?
Because it’s so earie.
Reindeer don't go to school—they're elf taught.
What did the vegan wear to the beach?
A zucchini!
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
What do you call a T-Rex that gets into a fight with the Indominus Rex? Dino-sore.
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
What did the wise papa fish tell his son?
Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
Where do math teachers normally like to go on summer vacation?
Times Square.
Shopping at the music store, my friend had to settle for a fiver saxophone ...
They couldn't afford a tenor.
We’re calling your number.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
If tomatoes are a fruit
Then ketchup is a smoothie.
My girlfriend wants to open a yoga studio, even though she currently cannot afford it.
I told her it's a bit of a stretch.
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
What do you call two bandits in a race on the ocean.
Piracy.
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
What would you call a vampire who is into finance?
Account Dracula.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
You should never give milk to someone who is open minded and hasn't yet had breakfast. They're lack-toast and tolerant.
How do bats greet a friend?
With a sound wave.
Where do you go to learn how to make ice cream?
Sundae school.
How can you tell you’re in a pig wine bar? Because everything’s swine.
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships.
You're the ruler of my heart.
Why did the uncouth spud not stop talking during the football game?
Because he was a common-tater.
What happened when the artist tried to draw a cube? He suffered from a mental block.
Why do worms hate graveyards?
They keep bumping into skeletons!
My father said that there was a bug on my computer. The bug was trying to eat one byte at a time.
"You're totally scrambling my brain."
Here’s another one; what about an otter who lives in an emptied out melon? An ottermelon.
That was thaw-some!
The scientist time travels between summer and winter using his autumn-mobile!
The cold weather always comes towards the end of the year weather you like it or not.
What is a neuron's favorite television channel?
The Ion Channel
I recently got offered a job studying fog but I turned it down.
Looking back, I now think it was a mist opportunity.
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...
Because I'm Dragon Ass.
What do you call a skeleton who goes to school but doesn’t do any work?
Lazy bones.
What are the Vikings favorite drink?
Mini Sodas
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? SpongeBob SquarePants!