I told you snow.
Why did the burglars decide to rob a music store?
For the lute.
Why was the wheelchair basketball team banned from the Paralympics?
They all tested positive for WD-40.
The sun is mad at the clouds because the clouds keep throwing shade.
Did you hear about the flower who joined Tinder?
He just wants somebudy to love.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
What makes more noise than a dog barking outside your window?
Two dogs barking outside your window.
just witnessed a chicken try to pick up a piece of corn for 5 minutes,
ImPeck-able.
Seven sleazy shysters in sharkskin suits sold sheared sealskins to seasick sailors.
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
What is Medusa’s favorite cheese?
Gorgonzola.
How do you make soup rich? Add 24 carrots.
What's the difference between a head of lettuce and a unicorn?
One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast!
What do you call a hamster in between two slices of bread?
A ham sandwich.
What is the difference between a Yankees fan and a dentist?
One roots for the Yanks, and the other yanks for the roots. OUCH.
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
Why can't tomatoes ever beat lettuce in a race?
Because lettuce is always a head, and tomatoes have to ketchup!
What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!
It was my first attempt at repairing my wobbly picnic table.
I totally nailed it.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Elf
Elf who?
Elf me wrap this present!
Drink happy thoughts.
Why don’t people like grumpy vampires?
Because they have bat tempers.
What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
I used to love puns about throwing things, but now I don’t.
It was just a fling.
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
But his brother Frank was a monster.
Reindeer don't go to school—they're elf taught.
I got down on one knee and asked her if she'd be the mother to my kids, she said yes...
Guess who's gonna find a bunch of losers in a box tomorrow morning at their doorstep.
Don’t ask me why I love wine. I have my rieslings.
What did an angry donut say to his wife?
Donut talk to me.
Which monster did the three bears catch sleeping?
Ghouldilocks!
What does a Clydesdale say when you offer them a carrot?
“Of course, my horse.”
Why did the wine connoisseur insist on drinking from an old tire?
He heard it was a Goodyear!
I used to make loads of money clearing leaves from lawns. I was raking it in.
Why did the cow go right up to the spaceship? To see the Mooooooooooon.
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
Why did everyone hide from Sue on her birthday?
Because they wanted her to be Sue-prised!
Heard about the beaver who can split huge logs with his eyes? Yes, he just saw the logs, and they broke into two.
Q: What does a tiger call an antelope?
A: Fast food.
I'm the pun King of Halloween.
What did the rock say to the word processor?
Boulder.
How do you apologize to a koala?
Bear your heart and soul to them.
The tiger ran away from other tigers as they were rude to him. He didn't want to be involved in a catfight.
I got in a fight with a crab yesterday.
When I punched him he ran, goon.
What was the most common game played by Greek Gods?
Hydra and seek.
I’m fondue you.
Where do bats get their education?
In night schools.
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
If a goat grows a beard, is it a goatee?
What do you call for injured ants?
The ant-bulance.