How does the Cheese Detective choose his clients?
On a queso by queso basis.
Why should you you stand on the service line? So that you can order ice cream.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.
Why did the hipster burn his lips?
He ate his pizza before it was cool.
What does a mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra, naturally.
What is a bear’s favorite dessert?
Blue beary pie.
Why was the werewolf arrested at the butchers shop?
He was caught chop lifting.
What do zombie actors do before they perform?
They re-hearse.
What beer does everyone at the orphanage drink?
Foster's.
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
Never date a Theater person...
... wayyy too much Drama...
Can linesmen enter the Hall of Fame? Yes, because they decide who's HOFside.
What did the mushroom request when booking his hotel? A shroom with a view, please!
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes.
What do bandages like to put on their salad?
A wound dressing.
I'm moving some couches today...
Sofa, so good!
What happens to elves who misbehave?
They get the sack.
How do llamas say “Merry Christmas” in Spanish?
Fleece Navidad.
Green vegetables absolutely love going on camps as a group. Their favorite is the Brussels Scouts.
Blue and green stopped fighting because they had agreed on peace teal.
How can a bear catch fish without a pole?
They use their bear hands.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.”
You can only know the heart of a pineapple with a knife.
Why does a horse’s hair always look so good?
She mane-tains it.
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
What do you get when you throw lettuce into the ocean?
I don't know lettuce sea.
What kind of ant is good at math?
An account-ant.
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
How do you make a million dollars in real estate?
You start out with two million.
Why did the scientist use a drink container to communicate with dolphins?
Because a bottle knows dolphin.
Did you hear about the clam that could play violin?
It had excellent mussel memory.
My peach friend shaved for the first time the other day, he looks like a nectarine!
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
What does a house wear?
Address.
The football won’t be the only thing spiked at this party.
Whenever I go to a zoo, I only ever see dogs.
They were Shiht-zus.
What do teapots wear to a tea party? A T-shirt.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
Interesting fact: A nectarine can also be a peach if it does not have peach fuzz.
Why do giraffes have long necks?
Because their feet smell.
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
Where do frogs leave their hats and coats?
In the croakroom.
What do you call a frog hanging from the ceiling at Christmas?
Mistletoad.
What do you call police obsessed with keeping good grass?
Lawn-Forcement
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
What is Medusa’s favorite cheese?
Gorgonzola.
What did one horse say to the other after he said he wanted to drop out?
That’s an equestionable decision.