How does a lobster answer the phone?
"Shello?"
Flamingoes have a special name for one of their numbers who has passed away. They call it flamingone.
Which type of dinosaur could jump higher than a house ? Any kind! A house cannot jump!
Did you hear about the man chopping an onion with the Grim Reaper?
He was dicing with death
She sold six shabby sheared sheep on ship.
A little boy asks his dad, “Why is it raining? Is the sky sad?”
The dad replies, “Yes, son, the sky is pretty blue.”
Frankenstein entered a body-building competition…
And soon found he had seriously misunderstood the objective.
What do you call a party for snowmen? A snowball.
You’re brew-tiful!
The difference between popcorn and pea soup, is that you can pop corn, but you can't pea soup.
Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.
What would you get if you crossed a turkey with an evil spirit? A poultrygeist!
Why was the viking boxer loved so much
He ragna"rocked" the house
Which nut is worth the most?
A cash-ew.
What did the ghost say to the bee
“BOOBEE”
How does the Easter bunny stay in shape?
Lots of eggs-ercise!
Why was the book of incantations useless?
Because the author failed to do a spell-check.
How did Gertie Gorilla win the beauty contest? She was the beast of the show!
What do you get if you cross a Triceratops with a kangaroo ? A Tricera-hops!
Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!
What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
Why do Communists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.
Why will you not want to give a bath to the Saturn? It would then leave a ring around the tub.
One day, tamarind, curry and ice were crossing the road. All of a sudden they heard a gunshot. Then, tamabrind ball, curry duck and ice-cream!
Why can't elephants use computers?
Because they're scared of the mouse.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
Both tournament directors published the schedule at the same time. It was a draw.
I took my dog's bone away from him.
She was fur-rious.
A child was bored out of his mind. His mother told him that they are going to the laundry mat and the child said "that is the most boring place on earth."
Then the mother said, "Come on, it will be loads of fun."
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff...
Badum chhh
You may want to seek help if you feel despresso when you don't have coffee.
A thief stole my toothbrush.
It left a bad taste in my mouth.
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns!
Do you know which the most favourite type of fruit of trees is? The pine – apple.
Why are tigers said to be religious? Because they frequently prey with all their family members.
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
What is just as big as a gorilla but literally weighs nothing?
A gorilla's shadow.
How do blondes define hydrophobic on their school tests? A fear of utility bills.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
Silly sheep weep and sleep.
History. History. Did I just rewrite history?
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
The Japanese restaurant serves the best soups. It will always make miso happy.
Talk literary to me.
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
What sound does a gnome make when he's eating dinner?
Gnome-gnome-gnom-gnom-gnom-nom-nom!
Who was the smartest man in the Bible?
Abraham. He knew a Lot.
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
What do you call a broken can opener?
A can't opener