“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
I'll fight you with my bear hands.
Oh, deer.
When I refused to have the soup, my sister said "People who do not have soup are stew-pid".
Why did the ski instructor ask for a divorce?
He found out his wife is a real flake.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
Where do fish sleep?
On a seabed, and sometimes they vacation at the river bed.
When I gave the wrong answer about Austrian composers in class, my teacher said, "Are you Schubert that?"
Following a recipe, says I need: pears, five cubed. 125 sounds like a lot of pears for a pie…
Where do vampire bats go to take out a loan?
To the blood bank.
What do you call a cat that has a hundred legs? A cat-erpillar.
What country do cows love to visit?
Moo Zealand.
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
What's a shark's favorite hobby?
Anything he can sink his teeth into.
When I was younger, I once smashed up a nest of heron's eggs.
No egrets.
Q: How do you call a magic berry?
A: Cherry Potter.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
Two tomatoes went jogging. One trips and falls. The other tomato said, "Grab my Heinz and I'll help you up." Trippy tomato replies, "Nah, you go ahead. I'll ketchup."
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
Why do astronauts use linux?
because you can't open windows in space.
What happens when Bigfoot gets lost in the fog?
He is mist!
Where do elves go to get famous?
Holly-wood.
What do baby ghosts wear on Halloween? Pillowcases.
I keep thinking I'll make breakfast pancakes, but I end up waffling.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”
What do you call an electrically charged seal?
A seal ion.
“You’re my soul Santa.”
Flamingos can be a bit of a daring bunch. In fact, they always fly by the seat of their pants.
What do you get if you cross a chicken with an alarm?
An alarm cluck.
Why couldn’t the submarine commander get to the surface after joining Reddit?
He couldn’t get any up-boats
What happens when you look up geology jokes? You know you've hit rock bottom!
What do you call a very little cherry? Pit-iful.
What do vampires do when they are trying to fall asleep?
Count Draculas.
When do vampires like horse racing?
When it's neck and neck.
A young slice of bread came up to his crush. He told her that he was really falling in loaf with her.
“I am hungary.”
“Maybe you should czech the fridge.”
“I’m russian to the kitchen.”
“Is there any turkey?”
“We have some, but it’s covered in greece”
“ew, there’s norway I’d eat that!”
There’s no reason to wine about you.
Restrooms in restaurants often have a sign saying "Employees must wash hands".
But after waiting hours, no one has ever helped me with mine!
I can eat sugar with either hand, I'm ambidextrose.
What do deer always use to clean their homes?
Comet!
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
I chucked my phone into a very deep lake.
Somehow it's still syncing.
My pet seal was getting a bit old and wrinkly
...so I bought a seal iron
Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
What time does the Wicked Witch have her clocks set to?
Greenwitch Mean Time.
What's a woman and a tea bag got in common?
You don't know strong they are till you put them in hot water.
What is a dairy product like as a partner?
They’re your butter half.
How do you catch a unique bunny? Unique up on it.
What do you call a chair in a suit?
A tuxSEATo