What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
What did one flea say to the other?
Shall we walk, or shall we take the dog?
My friend asked me how my pet crow communicates…
I replied, “Microwaves”.
What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.
How are a volleyball coach and a dentist similar? They both use drills.
Why did the basketball player sign up for a crafting class?
He wanted to learn how to make baskets.
What side of a tiger has the most stripes? The outside.
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
What do you call a berry that plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity!
I bought my wife a matching belt and bag for Valentine's Day
She should have that vacuum up and running in no time.
A beaver's tail makes them look odd.
But without it they would look otter.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.
My wife and I went hiking and got lost. I lost my temper and she was so upset she threw the map at me.
Now I know where we stand.
You better beer-live it!
What’s a cetacean’s favorite TV show?
Whale of Fortune.
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
Are you a drum? Because my heart beats for you.
The perfect description of a bowling game is one where there is plenty of room at the top, but no room to lie down.
What did the aged cheddar say when his mom told him he couldn’t see a movie that was rated R?
“I’m mature for my age.”
There's a basic difference between weather and climate: you can't weather a tree, but you can definitely climate.
Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed an opportunity to call it "Substi-tooths"
If you do bowling and for some reason you can’t hear a pin drop, something could be wrong with your bowling.
Where do the mushroom family keep their umbrellas, coats and shoes? In their porch-ini!
Reading whilst sunbathing? You must be well-red!
Why do werewolves do well at school?
Because every time they’re asked a question, they come up with a snappy answer!
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
St. Patrick’s Day makes me Spring to life.
Why are math books so darn depressing?
They’re literally filled with problems.
I did a good deed today by giving up my seat on the bus to an elderly lady...
How was I supposed to know she’d never driven a bus before?
Whenever I hear folksy stories about the hills, I can never get over them.
If Colgate kills 99.9% of bacterias in mouth, what does Colgate sensitive do?
It kills 99.9% without hurting their feelings.
Did you hear that Mexicans created a machine that dispenses fish?
They call it a pez dispenser.
I was walking down the road and slipped on some dog poo. Someone came up behind me and slipped as well. Trying to sympathize, I said "I just did that!"
They slapped me and said "use the toilet next time"
Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs.
Who has large antlers, a high voice and wears white gloves? Mickey Moose!
What do you call the Greek version of Spider-Man?
Pita Parker.
When shouldn't you believe a word your cheese is saying? When it's too Gouda to be true.
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
How do you communicate with a fish?
Drop him a line.
Best in snow.
How do pickles celebrate their birthdays? They relish them.
What did the Cat burglar say when he was caught stealing from a French art museum?
I did it for the Monet.
Took the family on a whitewater rafting trip, and first time we came to a sudden descent in the river, we lost everything...
That was just one of the downfalls!
What do you get when you put the number 3.14 in the middle of the onions? You get o-pi-nions!
What do you call a cab which provides drug therapy? Chemotaxis.
A pig and a horse walk into a movie theater.
The horse didn't feel like buying popcorn so he brought some hay. A theater employee saw him and said. "Are you sneaking outside food into the theater?"
The horse said "nay."
The pig squealed.
Have you ever tried crossing a lion with a flamingo? It will be pink, that’s the mane thing.
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
What do you call an island populated entirely by cupcakes?
Desserted
Why was the mummy added to the game as a pinch hitter?
Because the manager knew he could wrap it up.