I got canned from a Orange juice factory...
Just couldn't concentrate.
Why can't guitars have fun with friends with benefits?
Because without strings attached they just can't play...
What do you give to a sick citrus tree to make it feel better? Lemon aid.
The baker just felt this incredible knead to make bread. That’s certainly the truth.
I painted my dog’s nails So he can look paw-ty.
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his donut?
He was stuffed!
I caught my sister click and post a picture of the soupy noodles yesterday. She was actively instagramen.
What is the perfect name for a sad strawberry? It is called a blueberry.
What do you call a big fish that makes you an offer you can’t refuse?
The Codfather.
What do Mexicans wear on their heads in the pool?
Swimbreros.
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
Not everyone looks good with a wig
But I think you could really pull it off.
Why aren’t trees competitive sports fans? They like to root for everyone.
What country do cows love to visit?
Moo Zealand.
Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
Whenever the peach father gets mad at his son, he just screams loudly: “You are the son of a peach!”
What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
Q. What did the mother doe name her new twin babies?
A. Bam B and Bam A.
You might be startled to see a hamburger working out in your local gym. Don’t worry, they’re just there because they want better buns.
How do sheep greet each other during the holidays? Fleece Navidad!
When I tried taking a picture of my bread load, it came out grainy. I think that that is a common problem.
What kind of dinosaur can you ride in a rodeo? A Bronco-saurus!
The magazine my daughter gets each month always smells like perfume. I wondered aloud if they scent it.
Then I realized, of course they sent it. Otherwise it would have never come.
What do you call someone who’s crazy about corn?
A corn-ivore!
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
Did you hear about the crow who worked at a call Center?
He was fired for Just Caws.
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
Why do giraffes have long necks?
Because their feet smell.
Why did the flower take her husband back after he cheated?
She rose above it.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
What side of a tiger has the most stripes? The outside.
In order to be efficient, I named my parrots Roger, Gene, and Mick.
Two Byrds, one Stone.
What does the ski bum do when the chairlift line is too long?
He's gondola top of the mountain.
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice. Nothing he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
I wouldn't trust medieval executioners in today's world.
They are prepared to kill people, simply to get a head.
Why do sailors eat shellfish when rain is forecast?
It’s the clam before the storm.
The cookie monster couldn’t make his bed, why? Because he couldn’t find his cookie sheets.
How did the vineyard launch the new champagne making business?
They crashed a small boat into it.
What do you call a group of dyslexic crows?
A redrum.
What did the steak say to his girlfriend? You're the apple of my rib-eye!
What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
What would the greatest hockey player in history be called if he would have chosen not to play hockey?
Wayne Regretzky
Why did the dinosaur cross the road ? The chicken hadn't evolved yet!
Why were there cows on the baseball field?
Because they were looking for the bullpen.
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid in existence? It’s pasteurized before you ever notice.
If you get married out on sea or in a boat...
is that a row-mance?
Are sasquatches superstitious?
Yes, they always knock on wood!
There are two reasons why you should never drink toilet water.
Number one. And number two.