What do you call it when witches are optimistic about the future?
Witchful thinking.
What is the fastest way to make a setter angry? Each time you make a pass, tell the setter the ball is “Up” and then say “Yours!”
What do you call a silly werewolf in Australia ?
A dingo-ling
What do you call a zombie who stir-fries?
Dead Man Wokking
How can you tell if you are in love?
If they stole a pizza your heart.
Sigmund Freud used to always wear a piece of jewelry on his wrist...
It was an id bracelet.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
There are so many jokes about classical composers I could write you a Liszt.
It's true what they say about scaring vampires with a torch.
You can see it in their fright of light response.
If Van Gogh were alive today, what might the title of his autobiography be called?
The STARRY of My Life
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.
I went to a mansion but everyone had bad etiquette.
It was a Bad Manor.
Why did the man driving a train get struck by lightning?
He was a good conductor.
What do you call a singing laptop?
A Dell.
Q: Why did the wind turbine blush?
A. It broke wind.
Q. Why couldn't the dinosaur play games on the computer?
A. Because he ate the mous
What did the Wife say to the Husband?
You are exhausting!
Why can't pencils move?
Because they are stationery.
Who do you call a pig who can paint like a great artist? Pablo PIGcaso.
What do llamas always say after yoga class?
“Llamaste.”
Why did the artist cross the street? To crosshatch to the other side.
Why do Ghosts avoid the rain? It dampens their spirits.
Which keyboard shortcut doesn't work if you're incontinent?
Ctrl-P
I was sitting in the toilet at Taco Bell and it reminded me of my divorce.
It was extremely messy and involved a lot of paperwork.
How does a mushroom decorate a home? With toadstools.
Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.
At least he told us to be positive.
I saw a joke about chocolate bars but it wasn’t that funny So I just snickered.
Why did the aging bread roll retire?
Her career was already toast.
Avoid pier pressure.
Did you hear about the man who stole thousands of dollars worth of rare tea?
He went to prison for Oolong time.
Why do they eat snail in France?
Because they don’t have fast food.
What kind of flowers bloom on your face? Tulips!
What is a dog’s favorite vegetable? A collie flower.
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
How do sponges talk to the devil?
They use a squeegee board.
What did the penguin say after he went shopping?
Put it on my bill.
Why did the owl invite his friends over?
He didn't want to be owl by himself.
What do you call a friendly volcano? Lava-ble.
What do you call for injured ants?
The ant-bulance.
Why are fish so smart?
They are always in schools!
Why didn't the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush!
Why was the zombie so grumpy?
He woke up on the wrong side of the dead.
If two witches were watching two watches: which witch would watch which watch?
Jehovahs witnesses don’t celebrate halloween
I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming to their door
What do you call it when a giraffe swallows a toy jet?
A plane in the neck.
What do you call it when a sloth eats a second plate of food?
Slothy seconds
What do you get when you put a bomb in a dinosaur? Dino-mite.
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
What do you call corn that joins the army?
Kernel.