What do you get when you put four ducks in a box?
A box of quackers.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it
What do the guys at the ski repair shop eat their lunch on?
Baseplates.
What do you call a fast broomstick?
A vroom-stick.
What do you call a cute donut?
A-dough-able.
I just caught a walking pear tree...
In my Pear Ent trap.
I asked the librarian for the new book on erectile dysfunction.
She typed on her keyboard and said "It's not coming up!"
I said "Yeah, that's the one!!"
Why wasn’t the pig chosen in the football/soccer team?
It was a ball hogger.
How do you get in contact with a Greek architect?
You column.
What do you call a mouse with no balls? Optical. What is a mouse's favorite record? 'Please cheese me'!
The ghoul didn't get his letter on time because it got lost at the ghost office.
What do math and history have in common?
They both teach people about inequalities.
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
My teacher told me in History class to do some light reading on the history of the light bulb.
I used to be pretty nifty tap dancer...
Until I fell into the sink.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
Why can’t a rooster ever get rich?
Because he works for chicken feed.
An angry fruit yells at traffic in front of them
“Mango!”
Longfellow is the known poet of basketball.
How do you know the tooth fairy is a journalist?
They're always searching for the tooth.
What do you call Santa living at the South Pole? A lost clause.
Why does water never laugh at jokes?
It isn’t a fan of dry humor.
This may be corny, but you are a-maize-ing.
Did you hear that the Lemon and the Orange divorced?
The Lemon was very bitter.
What do horses get after graduating university?
A pedegree.
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
What would you call a familiar scent?
Nose-talgic.
What do you call a giant mushroom? Hu-fungus.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
My wife hates my collection of old snake skins.
So I have to keep them in the shed.
did you hear the one about the sheep in car wreck?
it was baaad.
why are the discarded papers that once held the halloween candy just like vocalists who have lost their rhythm, art, and poetry?
they are both empty rappers
What’s so great about whiteboards?
If you think about it, they’re pretty re-markable!
Did you hear about the guy who got a metal jaw replacement?
I think he just did it for a tin chin.
Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.
It's Taco Night, so on my way home, I grabbed a bag of shredded cheese at the store, queso we needed some more.
.
I used to randomly steal beverages off people...
I stopped when I realized it wasn't my cup of tea
What do you call cheese that is acting crazy? A basket queso.
How did they determine that the shark attack victim had dandruff?
Because all that washed up on the beach was his head and shoulders.
What is yellow and goes bzzzzzz? An electric banana.
What do you think walking on the moon is like?
Not very impactful.
Where does a camel go after he's eaten his main course? He walks straight to the desert trolley.
Why doesn’t Sweden export its cattle?
It wants to keep its Stockholm.
My best friend said we're like two peas in a pod. I'm confused, there's only one P in pod.
Why does Bigfoot only leave footprints behind?
Sasquatch doesn't litter in the great outdoors.
What did the bus driver say to the frog?
Hop on.
What did one hummus say to the other hummus
“Sabra.”
Why did the computer spy get fired?
She couldn't hack it.
Why can't Bill Clinton go scuba diving?
He won't inhale.