What do bees chew?
Bubmble gum.
How does bread win over friends?
“You can crust me.”
Drink happy thoughts.
What is the car dealership in Star Wars called?
The Mazda-lorian
What type of dog would be the best at portraying Tina Turner?
An Angela Bassett Hound.
Why do medieval ghosts refuse to stop at McDonald's?
They prefer Wight Castle.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!”
If there was to be a beauty contest bringing together all the beautiful mushrooms on the face of the earth, the porta-bella mushroom would carry the day.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
Catherine and Peter performed great in 'Dancing with the Tsar'last night. But Ivan was terrible.
What do you call a cat that has a hundred legs? A cat-erpillar.
Why did the dunce get hurt after raking leaves? He fell out of the tree.
My theater group is writing a sci-fi thriller about classical musicians.
I'll be Bach.
Why DID seven eat nine?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!
The plural of mango should be changed to mengo
Bowlers pay a lot of money to play. This is because it is a bum per lane.
What does a birthday cake and a baseball team have in common?
They both need good batters.
I accidentally went to bed with my contact lenses in the other night.
My dreams have never been clearer.
What is soap's favorite brand of beer?
Sud-light
Woke up this morning to a tap on my door.
That plumber has some sense of humour.
Did you hear about the B I V G R O Y rainbow?
The poor thing has a deviated spectrum.
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
Red ship hits Blue ship...
Sailors marooned.
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?"
"You're a real good egg."
I had a job repairing 17th century violins...
I only fixed instruments that were BAROQUE.
My executive assistant has long hair.
I call him my mane man.
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
How did the horse know the others were gossiping about him?
He herd.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and a sheep?
A woolly good jumper.
Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
Why didn’t the teddy bear want any dessert?
He was already stuffed.
What did the perverted pumpkin use for his pick-up line?
Hey gourd-geous! Wanna go back to my place and squash?
What do potatoes become when they smoke weed?
Baked potatoes.
Where is the Ghost’s bedroom located? Down the Hall-oween.
What cosmetic does DNA put on?
Genetic makeup.
Where do they make all the decisions on a dairy farm? At the city cow-ncil.
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
A red ship and a blue ship collided in the ocean.
Apparently the survivors are marooned.
I did a good deed today by giving up my seat on the bus to an elderly lady...
How was I supposed to know she’d never driven a bus before?
What is a cat’s favorite horror movie? The Purrrge!
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
Why can't a tattoo artist be faithful? Because he always has designs on his clients.
What does one vampire say to another before bed?
- I hope you have a fang-tastic day!
I tried wild ox milk
Turns out I'm yak-tose intolerant
Ants in your plants.
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.