Where is a frog's favorite place to eat?
At IHOP.
Why did the banana go out with a lemon?
Because it couldn't find a date!
I checked my phone bill after my trip to Italy, and it said I spent DCXII dollars.
I must have left on Data Roman.
You mermaid to go far.
How do you describe an acorn in one sentence? In a nutshell, it is an oak tree.
If fish lived on land, in which country would they live? Finland.
What are strange donuts made out of?
Weird-doughs.
The cookie monster couldn’t make his bed, why? Because he couldn’t find his cookie sheets.
When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren't paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, "Don't you understand the gravity of this situation?"
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
What do you call a t-shirt with cut off arms?
An amputee.
What do confused owls say?
Too-whit-to-why?
Q. What do you call the stench that comes from antlered roadkill?
A. A foul o-deer.
Our weather bureau is actually an umbrella organization.
Broken pencils are pointless.
I started an insurance company for flower and gardening businesses...
It's called "oopsie daisies."
Are you a flame? Because I think I found my perfect match.
What do you call a bee who never brags?
A humble-bee
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
Why does a duck say quack?
Because it can’t say moo.
What’s a spiders favorite barbecue food?
Corn on the cobweb.
What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
One molar solution.
What is a baker’s favorite type of icing?
Fawn-dant.
My dog’s favorite band is The Beagles.
How did the baker cut four loaves of bread at the same time? By buying a four-loaf-cleaver.
What's the best time of year to see gorillas in the wild? Ape-ril.
Why should you never eat the fish in France?
Because it's poisson.
Why are tigers said to be religious? Because they frequently prey with all their family members.
Whom did the cheesy Bible start with? Edam and Eve.
The knife that Abraham used to kill Isaac has been found in Britain.
Apparently, it was a Dyson.
Spent the whole day running around dressed as a zombie. I’m dead on my feet.
Everything in this world is either a potato or not a potato
Why was the orange feeling sad?
It lost its zest for life.
For the record, you’re not old, you’re a classic.
What is a pink bird's favorite dance? Flamin-tango.
What do you call the worlds tallest mosquito?
Himalarya.
I keep thinking I'll make breakfast pancakes, but I end up waffling.
What pillow set do the church organist and his wife have?
Hymn and Hers.
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
Why wasn’t the little pumpkin allowed to swim?
There was no life gourd on duty!
What did the geologist say when his doctor said he needed a colon exam?
No fracking way!
Why couldn’t the donut reach enlightenment? Because it was already holy.
Was the koala able to complete the grueling 26-mile marathon? Bearly.
How do crabs evade taxes?
They set up shell corporations.
Q: How do you stop newspapers from flying away on windy days?
A: Use a news anchor!
What did the maggot say to another?
What's a nice maggot like you doing in a joint like this?
Anything unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.
What does a good spice rack help you win? The Hunger Games.
Who is the worm's Prime Minister? Maggot Thatcher.
Today I learned that mosquitoes love type-B blood.
Oops. sorry, type-O.