Q. Which square dancing step do stags enjoy most?
A. The Doe-si-Does.
I’ll think of another pun soon…
Just bear with me.
You can virtually stay in any room. The only one you can’t is the mush-room because it is reserved for fungi.
What happens to romantic trees on Valentine’s Day? They get all sappy.
Why do witches only ride their broomsticks at night?
That's the time to sweep.
A guy walks into the bar.
It's hardly surprising he didn't make the steeplechase team, on reflection.
What is a car’s preferred TV program?
The Driving Dead.
My physics teacher asked, “So why is v-naught 0?”
I replied, “y-naught?”
Why is a pineapple so attractive? Because it keeps its juices flowing.
What's the meanest thing ever?
When you ask a gnome, “What will you be when you grow up?”
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
Police are appealing to the man who stole all the soap from the supermarket
To come clean
Everyone wondered why Cinderella was such a bad player. If only they knew, her coach was a pumpkin.
What do all French cars come with as standard?
A spare wheel of cheese.
I like to say mucho when i’m talking to my Spanish speaking friends.
It means a lot to them.
Why do gorillas have really big fingers?
Because they have really big nostrils!
What do you get when if you cross a potato and the terminator?
A termitator.
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
I wasn’t sure if I ordered enough tacos from Taco Bell.
So I got a just in quesadilla.
Looking out at the water, a father explains why the ice breaks up in the spring.
The changing sea son.
The bag of flour was so confused.He thought that he saw his friend the loaf yeast-erday.
Where do ski instructors keep their money?
In the local snow bank.
This rainbow is on its last legs, it's really hanging by a red.
Even the most intelligent people can’t survive a day without electricity, like Stephen Hawking.
My sister asked me to hand her lipstick but i handed her a glue stick instead
She still won’t talk to me
I bought my wife a matching belt and bag for Valentine's Day
She should have that vacuum up and running in no time.
What did the horse reply when asked if it can jump 3 feet?
“I lope so!”
How do you write a book about Bats? With a ghostwriter.
What did the cheese say after escaping the mouse? I'm Brieeee!
I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A Snapdragon.
A mycologist is the most ethical type of scientist. They follow morels closely.
Which tooth did Avogadro have pulled?
One of his mole-ars
My friend was bragging about his new L-shaped sofa, so I told him I had one too.
It's just lowercase.
What language do they speak in Italy
Times New Roman.
What did the witch do when her broomstick broke?
She witch-hiked.
The butcher’s life was at steak when the meat market caught fire.
Why does the rabbit bring toilet paper to the party? Because he is a party pooper.
A crab didn't help his friend,
he's shellfish.
I’m a clover, not a fighter.
What do you call it when a football player suffers a career-ending injury in his last game before retirement? Gridirony!
What did Earth say to the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
What are stepfathers called in France?
Faux pas.
Corn mazes should be renamed Maize mazes.
I broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.
Since then I've never looked back.
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
If you don't focus on learning your lines for the production, I shutter to imagine what the reviewers will snap about.
Everyone was spot on, you really did make a great theatre lighting tech.
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?
Because the early beard gets the wyrm.