Berries are the most fashionista of the fruits, they can really cherry off the wildest outfits.
What kind of music do mummies listen to?
Wrap music.
Why are hands so reliable?
Because you can always count on them.
Professor: "What's a hydraulic ram used for?" "It's where you get steel wool!"
What do cars have on toast.
Butter and traffic jam.
I saw an advert in the paper “Yacht for sale”.
As if people don't know what a yacht is for.
What musical group do men join once they get married?
The Hus Band!
My son claims that he identifies as an ancient Greek string instrument.
Frankly, I think he's a lyre.
Autumn brings re-leaf from the heat.
What is white and has long ears, whiskers, and sixteen wheels? Two rabbits on Rollerblades!
Why do realtors love skateboards?
Because they can flip them whenever they want!
Why should you never break up with a goalie?
Because he is a keeper!
Swimming pools are just chlorified bathtubs...
As long as your dog sticks by your side.
Anything is paw-sible.
Why did the cherry blossom tree seem scared when it was trying to make a cherry pie? Because it was baking like a leaf.
The daddy strawberry got the job to perform at the circus because he was a berry straw-ng man.
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
What did the Ocean say to the shore?
Nothing. It just waved.
Why is it a bad idea to get in a fight with a monkey?
Because they use gorilla warfare.
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
What kind of underwear does a math-obsessed mermaid wear?
An algae bra.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
What do you call a cow apart of the Knights of the Round Table?
Sir Loin
The reason the mountains are hill areas joke gets reposted so often is because it's peak comedy
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
What is a bird that flies over a football field called?
A fieldgull.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
What goes hiss, swish, hiss swish every time it rains? A windscreen viper.
I was testing the speaker phone on the intercom on our landline with my father yesterday.
It started to make that annoying noise. My old man said it was too close to call.
What did the bat say to the friend who itched and squirmined?
Come back when you have washed out the virmin.
If you can't get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries.
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
I can’t decide how to finish this wooden sign telling my parrot that she’s become a member of the Scottish aristocracy
Polyurethane?
After the Moroccan scored a Hat-trick, the players gathered for the fez-off.
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
Biology - It grows on you.
Wife told me to grow a pear.
I did. It tasted delicious.
What’s a gardener’s favorite type of trousers? Ones with turnips.
Where do fashionable ghosts shop for sheets? Bootiques.
I saw a mosquito in the kitchen. I could have killed it, but I let it fly away...
That's probably going to come back to bite me later.
How do you write a book about bats? With a ghostwriter.
Why are small dried up river beds so cool? Because they're ex-stream.
Vampires are not even real. Unless you Count Dracula.
Eggs are going up again.
That'll surprise a few chickens.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
Did you hear the terrible rumor about the volleyball player? That’s what she set!
What did the Turkey wear on Halloween?
He was a goblin.
How do Eskimos make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
Why did the sloth get fired from his job?
He would only do the bear minimum.